Community

Happy Friday, everybody. What are you doing this weekend?

The question is, who am I doing this weekend?

He's asking because he's already forgotten.

It's nobody.

I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.

- Aw. - Animal hospital?

The animals are the patients.

That makes sense.

Yeah, Dr. Zizmor's letting me work off

the cost of Daniel's eye surgery.

Wait. You won't spend money on a name-brand phone,

but you got lasik for your geriatric cat?

He only has the one eye, Jeff.

I can't exactly buy him a cat monocle, can I?

It's pretentious.

And for your information, this is a totorola.

Troy and I will be having a very special Saturday night,

as in Dark Knight.

It came! Our limited-edition, $299 Dark Knight DVD

with bonus footage, special commentary,

and a Christian Bale autograph,

including a personalized message of up to four words!

"Abed is Batman now, Christian Bale."

- It's official. - From the man himself.

May I have that back, Annie? Thank you.

And just to clarify, if you see this lying out,

I'm still using it, so you don't have

to take it to the kitchen, dump it out, and wash the bowl.

Is this about your buttered noodles?

I didn't say that.

- Yes! - Into your face!

Your tears reveal your weakness!

What is it with those tools and foosball?

- They've been at it for weeks. - I think they're European.

It's probably a more important game over there.

Foosball's like the soccer of ping-pong.

- I can't take it anymore. - Oh, Jeffrey, let them be.

Gentlemen, my name is Clarence Thaddeus Foos.

My grandfather, Fletcher Morton Foos,

invented this game for one purpose--

to have the loudest, dumbest thing happen.

Now it has.

The game of foosball is completed.

You're free to return

to your undoubtedly hearing-impaired families.

Tell you what, we'll stop playing,

if you can score a point on us.

Tempting, but then wouldn't I be playing foosball?

And, if so, how would I not be a loud, weird knob?

Free shot.

I'm not even touching the foosenschaften.

Sorry, luftballons. I'm above it.

Boo-yah!

I wish there was a word to describe the pleasure I feel

at viewing misfortune.

'Tis the face of a broken man.

Jeff. Smile.

- Uh, uh... - Ooh!

They, uh, -- they come in a six-pack.

Oh--

Buttered noodles.

I'm allowed to throw out the dust, right?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

I-I...

Why?

- I stepped on it. - Why?

- I was dusting the tv. - Why?

I can run out and get a new one before he gets home.

Oh, sure, Annie.

And--and then we just have to record

fake exclusive commentary by Christian Bale.

Go ahead, you first.

This scene was a special challenge

- to all involved-- - Stop it!

That's not a real option!

The disc is irreplaceably awesome!

What if we got a different disc, and--

Annie, do you know how many sitcoms

have done the "secretly replace a broken, priceless item" thing?

'Cause Abed does.

Abed knows everything,

and I know you think you can think your way out of this

with your "thinkiness," but don't think too much.

You just have to confess.

- Okay? - Okay.

We shot this scene on location--

Okay, he's right. It won't work.

Jeffrey? What--what are you doing?

Hmm? Oh.

You know, I just thought...

Next time those deutsche-bags try to show off,

maybe I can catch them by surprise.

Jeff, you don't need to worry what foreigners think about you.

That's your birthright as an American.

Okay...

Small confession.

I used to love foosball.

It was a great after-school game

for a lonely kid with no dad--

you know, just masculine enough

without having to know how to throw or catch.

I have seen you throw.

And it was fun...

Till I started getting bullied by people like those Germans.

So I quit.

Well, you did the right thing.

Foosball is a vile game for vile people.

Shirley, you wouldn't get it. It's a guy thing.

It's not a fresh-baked-pie thing.

Well, I might get it a little.

You don't know me.

Ho...Ly...Crap.

All right, I think I figured out the viewing order--

original version, director's cut,

director's cut with commentary,

and then original version cool-down.

- Yeah, we'll see. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, you guys.

We've been robbed!

Oh, man.

I can't believe we got robbed.

Shirley, Shirley.

You have to teach me.

Please, help me beat those evil power krauts.

Don't you get it, Jeff?

They're not evil people that are good at foosball.

They are good at foosball because they're evil.

It's an evil game that brings out the worst in us,

like--like out-of-town weddings where the reception's

in the same place as everybody's rooms?

Great. After three years of religious advice

and carb-laden pastries,

you finally have one thing I actually need, and--

I'm sorry.

Um, that was rude.

It--it shouldn't be so important to me.

I'll, uh... I'll see you Monday.

Jeff...

Tomorrow, dawn--

be in the student lounge.

Shirley, you are the best.

Dear lord, please forgive me.

And please have mercy on him.

The stakes have never been higher.

Shut up, Leonard.

I found your YouTube page.

What's the point in reviewing frozen pizza?

You're talking about it.

Well, that is true.

Now, Jeffrey...

The key to winning foosball

is to tap into your darkness,

so I need you to promise you won't judge

the side of me that might come out.

Shirley...

I'm gonna be perfectly blunt with you.

The few times that you've been a little bad

are the times I've liked you most.

- Really? - Remember making fun

of Britta's boyfriend's tiny nipples?

Oh, yeah, they were tiny.

Remember what you did to Pierce's hoagie?

That was so disturbing, I almost proposed on the spot.

Now, come on, show me how to dominate.

All right, Winger, hands on the grips.

I'm coming up on your right side

in three, two, one!

You know why you can't stop me?

'Cause I'm not playing a game.

For you, it's winning and losing.

For me, it's life and death.

That's how I win.

That's where you have to go.

No more thought, no more feeling.

Kill or be killed. Kill or be killed, little man.

Think back to when this game mattered,

before you got to be too cool.

Stop acting like you're not ashamed right now.

Follow that shame to the fear.

Follow that fear to the rage.

You put that rage-- aah!

Up your ass, Turkey. Ha ha!

There's only two ways off this table--

kill or be killed.

- Say it. - Kill or be killed.

I said say it, mumbles!

- Kill or be killed. - Kill!

- Kill! - Kill!

Kill!

Yeah!

You called me Turkey.

I love it.

Sorry we couldn't get a car over here until now.

Our captain was killed on duty last night.

My God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Good man--

leaves behind two kids and a pregnant wife.

So you're missing a Batman DVD?

My Dark Knight extended extended cut--it wasn't insured.