Chopping Mall

Stop Right There!

Stop Right There And Surrender Your Weapon.

Now You'll See--

Ladies And Gentlemen, That Concludes The Film Portion Of Our Presentation.

I'm Sure You All Have Questions.

So Let Me Introduce You To The Head Of Development

For Secure-Tronics Unlimited--

Dr. Stan Simon.

Thank You Very Much.

Before I Open The Floor, I'd Like You All To Meet Your Brand-New Security Team--

The Protector 101 Series Robots.

One Week From Tonight At Closing,

The Protectors Will Begin Their Patrol Of The Mall.

Paul, They Look Like The Three Stooges.

Each Assigned To One Of The Three Upper Shopping Levels.

I Don't Know, Mary, The One In The Middle Has An Unpleasantly Ethnic Quality.

Now, Are There Any Questions?

Yes, Dr. Carrington.

So What Do Your Machines There Do Besides Kill Criminals?

First Of All, The Protectors Do Not Kill.

I Wonder If They Kill Cockroaches.

They Could Probably Be Programmed To.

And Merely Detain Intruders Until The Computer,

Located On The Roof, Can Patch Into The Mall Phone System

And Send The Alarm To The Police.

I Don't Know. That Guy Looked Awfully Dead To Me.

Just Neutralized. Protectors Can Achieve This Function

In A Number Of Ways.

At Close Range, Sleep Darts Fired From Here And Here

Can Knock A Man Out In Less Than 30 Seconds.

However, The Likelihood Of An Intruder Gaining Entry

Is Greatly Minimized By The Steel Security Doors

Which Are Time-Locked From Midnight 'til Dawn.

Um, They Seem So Violent.

If They're Called Protectors, What Do They Protect?

Plenty. For Starters, As Seen In The Film,

The Protectors Do Their Work In The Mall Proper, Not In The Stores Themselves.

Maybe We Could Use One At The Restaurant--

Get Rid Of People We Don't Like.

For Instance, Lasers Positioned Here

Can Cut Through Any Sort Of Debris.

Well, That's All Very Well And Good, But What About Those Who Work Late?

How Can Your... Things There Distinguish Between The Good Guys And The Bad Guys?

That's Very Simple.

Watch. This Is Simon.

Bring Number One On-Line.

Whoa! Wow!

May I See Your Identification Badge, Please?

It's Scanning.

They Remind Me Of Your Mother. It's The Laser Eyes.

Thank You. Have A Nice Day.

Same To You. There. You See?

The System Is Absolutely Foolproof.

Now, Everyone Connected With The Mall Has Been Issued An I.D. Badge

So That When The Mechanism Goes On-Line,

The Protectors Will Make Park Plaza The Safest Mall In The State.

Trust Me.

Absolutely Nothing Can Go Wrong.

Ow! Are You All Right?

Coffee? Come On, Sweetheart!

Give It To Me! What Do You Got? Andiamo!

Can I Get Two Uncle Luigi Bellybusters, A Double Anchovy Pizza

And An Order Of Garlic Logs?

Gross. What Mojave Brain Ordered That? Guy Over There.

Oh, God. I Should've Known.

That Orca Beaches Here Every Night. Always Trying To Snag Some Skin.

Play It Safe, Alison. Serve At Arm's Length, If You Get My Drift.

Thanks For The Advice.

Yeah.

Shit!

Oh, Honey, You Breakin' My Heart.

Look, Alison, In About An Hour And A Half...

We Bail This Barbecue And It's Good Times To The Max.

You've Got To Show. Suzie, You've Got A One-Track Mind.

I Already Told You, I Don't Know Anybody.

Yeah, But You Will After Tonight. That's What I'm Afraid Of.

Would I Set You Up With A Slime Dog Or Something?

No Way, "Babe."

It Is Babe, Isn't It?

Come On, Come On! Take It While It's Hot.

Girls, Come On! Yeah, All Right, All Right.

Waitress, More Butter.

Attention, Shoppers.

In The Next Half Hour, Everything in our Drapery Department

Will Be Marked Down 30 Percent.

Your Attention, Please. Your Attention, Please.

We Have A Lost Child In Lingerie Answering To The Name Of Steve.

If My Uncle Finds Out I Let You Do This, I'm Dead.

Don't Tell Me, Freddie. Are You Going Chicken-Shit On Us Again?

We Already Agreed.

He Trusts Me To Take Care Of The Store While He's Gone.

He Ain't Gonna Know Diddly Unless You Tell Him.

You Ain't Gonna Tell Him, Are Ya?

Don't Force Me To Pull Rank.

Oh, I'm Shaking.

You Know, Brennan, You're Becoming A Real Candidate For Prickhood.

What? Look, Guys,

This Party Is Gonna Happen, But We Need A Little Teamwork.

Besides, If The Place Looks Like Shit On Monday, It's All Our Asses.

You Got The Beer?

Correct.

Come On. Dude!

The Fridge Is Packed. Good. Rick And Linda Are Bringing The Food.

Clean Sheets Are Definitely Waiting.

And, Uh, Suzie--

Suzie Has A Surprise For You.

I Don't Know, Guys.

Come On, Ferdy.

Forget About Your Uncle Awhile. This Is Gonna Work, Okay?

Ferdy, You Can't Back Out On Us Now.

Okay, Okay, Let's Party. All Right.

First I Gotta Find Mrs. Flanagan's Fuchsia

You Find Mrs. Flanagan's Fuchsia.

You, You Hold Down The Fort. I Will.

I'm Gonna Go Find Leslie. I'm Sure You Will.

Quack, Quack.

Greg, I-- Ferdy,

Don't Worry.

I Can't Find The Fuchsia.

Ah, Fuck The Fuchsia. It's Friday.

Tell The Old Bag To Wait.

Okay. Give It A Try.

Strike Three, Walden.

You're Out.

My Turn.

It's Okay. I Got It, I Got It.

You Know The Rules, Buster. Into The Cab.

Okay, Butch. You Know I Can't Resist It When You Get Tough.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Just Crank It When I Tell Ya.

Well? We're Waiting. Just A Sec, Huh?

All Right. Hit It.

Always The First Time.

I Don't Want To Hear It, Not Another Word.

Me? No Way.

I Covered This Whole Deal When I Said, "For Better Or Worse," Remember?

Of Course I Remember.

Who Could Forget That 40-Weight Stain Right There On Your Chest?

Should've Been "For Better Or Weird."

And Speaking About Weird, What About This Furniture Store--

Come On, Walden. Indulge Me.

We Haven't Had Any Fun Since We Sunk All Our Wedding Money Into The Business.

Besides, Suzie's Counting On Us.

Honey, I Don't Care About-- Okay. Okay, Okay.

I Guess I Won't Be Needing This.

Or, Um,

Will I?

Attention, Shoppers. Attention, Shoppers.

Park Plaza Will Be Closed In 20 Minutes.

The Mall Will Be Closing In 20 Minutes.

The Lower Parking Levels Will Be Closed At 10:00.

Attention, Please. Mr. Brad Trevoy To The Information Kiosk.

You Horny Bastard.

Can't You Wait?

No. No, I Can't.

What Can't You Wait For, Michael?

Mr. Todd.

Uh, Well, I--

Uh, I Was Just Telling Leslie Here That, Uh,

Uh,

Well, That, Uh-- Daddy.

He Was Just Telling Me How He Couldn't Wait To Take Me To Suzie's House Tonight

For Her, Um, Birthday Party.

I See.

Well, I'm Running Late.

You Lock Up?

Sure, I'll Take Care Of Everything.

Yes.

I'm Sure You Will.

Okay, Daddy.

I Love You Too. Bye.

So, What He Say? He Said, "Go Out And Have A Good Time.

All Right! That Is Bitchin'.

I Wish I Had It That Easy. My Parents Still Think I'm A Kid.

Why Do I Have The Feeling I'm Gonna Regret This In The Morning?

Look, Alison, You've Had Yourself A Very Rough First Week.

You Owe Yourself A Little Blowout.

Come On. It'll Be Fun.

Okay, Just So Long As I Don't Have To Look At Any More Pizza.

You Won't. I Promise. Oh, Great! This Is Gonna Be Wonderful.

You Won't Regret This.

I Bet.

Attention, Shoppers.

Park Plaza Will Be Closing In 10 Minutes.

I Am So Nervous. Hairspray, My Lovely.

I Really Hate Blind Dates.

Oh, Yeah! Audacious! Lipstick. Suzie--

Oh, No. This Is A Terrible Color. Give Me Another Color.

What If He's Not My Type? Oh, Yeah, That's It-- Luscious Lust.

Are You Listening? What Are We Gonna Do All Night?

Will You Stop Worrying? Like I Said, He's Got--

A Great Personality! That's Right!

He Does. You're Going To Love Him. Trust Me On This.

Hey, Babe. It Is "Babe," Isn't It?

Let Me See. Okay. What? What, What?

You Look Good. Yeah. Are You Sure?

Really? Yeah!

Marty, I'm Sorry I'm Late, But It Was All-You-Can-Eat Night Down At The Pit,

And I Couldn't Resist The Opportunity To Pig Out.

Marty?

Yo, Marty!