Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Yes, Judith, I did deduct $30

from your child support check this month.

Because I paid for Jake's haircut.

Yes, it is usually nine dollars,

but he wanted to go someplace without hobbyhorses.

I know he's never gonna win any beauty contests,

but he is our son.

Look, I've got a patient. I got to go.

Sorry you had to hear that.

That's, uh, that's my ex-wife.

Bee-yatch.

Hello, Mrs. Honeycutt. I'm Dr. Harper.

Doctor.

Okay, so you are having spasms in your lower back?

Yeah, it's awful.

Some days I can't even get out of bed.

Oh, I know how that is.

You have back problems, too?

No.

Anyway, why don't you lie face down,

and we'll see if we can locate the problem.

I've tried everything.

Acupuncture,

yoga, shiatsu.

Nothing seems to work.

Not surprised.

Those Eastern practices are mostly hooey.

Modern chiropractic, on the other hand,

is built on over 50 years of solid science.

Okay, let's take a look at what we've got here.

Okay, now is this too much pressure?

No.

Okay, how about this?

No.

Okay, now is this where the spasms occur?

A little lower.

Okay.

Here?

Lower.

Here?

Am I hurting you?

No! God, no!

Nobody's touched me like this since my husband died.

Oh, um, I'm so sorry.

Um, how long has it been since...?

That long, huh?

Oh, my, it's, uh, pretty... pretty sensitive here.

Harder!

Oh, okay, no problem. Um...

So, just out of curiosity, how did you find me?

Uh, referral? Uh, my Web site?

Or the fliers on the counter

of the Mongolian barbecue across the street?

Shut up and rub!

Uh, I'm not technically rubbing.

Whoa! Whoa, Nellie. Whoa!

Don't stop! I'm not stopping.

Oh, spank me!

I'm-I'm sorry?

Spank my lonely ass!

What?! Do it, bitch!

Yes, Doctor, harder!

Yes!

Oh, God, yes!

Okay, let's take a look at the schedule.

See what the, uh, rest of the afternoon looks like.

Oh, that's not too bad.

So, how are you liking your first day at work here?

Thank you, Dr. Harper.

Uh, you are most welcome.

A-And remember, alternating an ice pack with a heating pad

is, uh, very helpful for spasming.

I'd like to make another appointment.

Oh, sure, sure. Uh...

What were you thinking? Maybe next week, or...?

Tonight.

Uh, tonight?

Oh, oh, gloriosky.

Uh, uh... well, we, uh... we close up at 5:00, so...

So I can expect you at my place at 9:00.

Oh, gee. Uh, I-I don't do house calls.

Per se.

See you at 9:00.

Uh, some patients pay in cash.

Uh, uh, their insurance, uh, won't cover chiropractic.

Uh, part of our ongoing health care crisis.

Tragic, really.

Uh, by the way, you are doing one heck of a job.

In fact, here's a little something for you.

Just 'cause your smile lights up the place.

You know what? Let's sweeten the pot.

Um, can you give me ten back?

Not a problem.

Can't put a price on a smile.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

I like the new look.

Thanks.

It's fashion forward.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It's what the guy who cut my hair said.

He also said it was "fun and fabulous."

Really?

Yeah, and he invited Dad to a party.

I didn't go.

It's just nice to be asked.

So, why'd you decide to abandon your classic cereal bowl coif?

What's a "coif"?

You can't glean it from the context?

What's "glean"?

Why'd you change your freakin' hair?

My new girlfriend wanted me to.

If your new girlfriend wanted you

to jump off a bridge, would you do that?

If she put her tongue in my mouth when she asked me, yeah.

Well, I can't blame you.

I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.

She put her tongue in your mouth?

Sure, let's say mouth.

Can we get the check, please?

Hey, why don't you let me get this one?

Really? You're not going to go for the world record?

What are you talking about?

1,647 meals in a row

where you haven't taken out your stupid Velcro wallet.

You were counting?

Am I close?

Nevertheless, I'm paying.

You smell that, Jake?

The air coming out of your father's wallet

has been in there since before you were born.

Very funny.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Nobody is going to believe this.

For God's sake.

Hey, isn't that Chelsea's friend, Gail?

Oh, yeah.

I wonder if I should say hello.

I wouldn't mind saying hello.

Finish paying the check, you weasel.

Hey, Dad, as long as you got your wallet out,

I could use some new sneaks.

Hmm. Oh...

Sure.

Are you dying?

Charlie.

Oh, hi, Gail.

Great to see you.

How've you been?

Pretty good. You?

Well, you know...

Yeah, I'm sorry to hear about you and Chelsea.

The way it goes.

Win some, lose some.

Start having liquor delivered straight to your house--

you don't have to put on pants.

Well, if it's any consolation, I know how you feel.

I'm still not over my breakup.

But I'm not much of a drinker, so...

Cheers.

Have you, uh... have you seen Chelsea?

Yeah, actually I had dinner with her, and...

We had dinner just the other night.

Her and Brad?

Yeah, come to think of it, he was there.

Looks like they're an item now.

I guess.

You guess?

What do you want from me, Charlie?

They're in Mexico for the weekend.

Mexico. Nice.

I went there with her once.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, it's fine.

We had a great time.

In fact, when we got back, I bought her a car.

Yeah, she told me.

Ooh...

Listen, I got to go, but...

if you ever want to talk.

Oh, thank you.

Bye. Bye-bye.

For the last time, I am not dying and I'm not sick.

Everything's fine.

Okay, I got it.

But you can understand my skepticism, right?

* Men.

I really don't see why I shouldn't ask her out.

Seriously? The woman is Chelsea's best friend.

So?

She's single, I'm single. She's lonely, I'm lonely.