Wrecked

Wouldn't it be crazy if this plane just...

Last season on "Wrecked"...

- We crashed, man! - We're all gonna die!

Hey, no one is gonna die, okay?

All the airline food and first-aid stuff...

- It's all just gone? - It's a real nut punch.

The worst kind of punch... Right on the nut.

We are one step away from living like apes.

Why don't we go hunting?

And when it comes... Boom, boom!

I think we need an election.

The new leader of the island... Steve!

We're creating a new society.

Who's to say what sort of legal system we should be using?

I just figured we'd do it like on "Law & Order."

Yeah, I like that show.

Throw him in the pit!

This is effed up! You freaks!

I've done unspeakable things.

Whatever you did, it can't be that bad.

- I ate a dude! - Holy sh... wow. Okay.

We are all slowly dying on this hellhole!

You, island!

I'm sorry!

We're not leaving the island!

Did he just kill Turdhole?

I stuffed up, okay?

- There's a ship! - We're saved!

The truth is we're not actually fishermen...

We're pirates, mother.

- Danny Wallace? - You don't know who this is?

His family's worth billions!

Seriously, you need to come with us

or we're going to shoot all your friends otherwise.

Son of a bitch!

I'm taking another shot.

Hey, come on, Dick.

That's not the way the game's played.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

Did I not bail your company

out of a $300 million cluster last year?

You did.

- I'm sorry. I-I-I-I didn't hear you. - You did.

Well, then if it's okay with you two jagwagons,

I'm gonna take another shot.

Dad!

God damn it, Margot!

I was right in the middle of a shot.

It's Danny. They're calling off the search.

Well, that's that, then.

What? Dad, what if he's still out there?

I'm not paying for a waste of time.

He's your son.

I've been losing money on your brother

since the day he was born.

Frankly, that plane going down

was the best thing that ever happened to our legacy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go fish my ball out of a goddamn lake,

like some kind of itinerant.

Dad?

- Oh, my God! - Holy shit! Dick!

Oh, thank God.

I am so sorry for your loss, Margot.

Thank you, Tom.

I don't mean to pester,

but there's still the matter of the will.

I need to know how you want me to classify

the disappearance of your brother.

Tom, my father just passed.

It can wait.

Of course.

As for my brother...

I know in my heart of hearts

that somewhere, somehow, he's alive.

Danny! Get over here now

or I'm going to shove this gun up your asshole! Whoo!

Get in the boat, or I'll kill everybody!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You know, I think that this is all just a big misunderstanding.

Yeah, Danny is not the son of a billionaire.

Wh... What are you talking about?

Look at him.

You don't let yourself go like this if you've got money.

Right? I mean, look at his shoes.

Nobody chooses shoes like these.

- Ah. - Look at his teeth!

They're all crooked and yellow.

These are poor-people teeth!

- Also, Danny is fat. - What?

Not like an, "I love life" fat, but like a fast-food fat.

You know what? Shut the up.

We know who you are. Tell him.

It's true.

- What? - Really?

Cool? We good?

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

IF you're going to take him,

you're gonna have to kill me first.

Oh! I didn't think this through!

Please don't kill me! Oh, God!

Somebody help me, somebody help me, somebody help me!

Get ready to die.

You're gonna have to kill me first, too!

- For real? - For real.

You're gonna have to kill me first, then him,

and then you can take Danny.

You'll also have to kill me first, too, as well.

God, okay. You know what? Who else wants to die?

Let's get that out of the way.

Anyone?

Todd.

No.

- Todd. - No.

Todd!

Oh, God damn it.

Fine, me too, I guess, after them.

Put me down, too. I'm ready to die!

- Yeah. - I can die.

Okay, okay, everyone just... Just... just chill out!

Just give us a second to talk, okay?

Yo, man, what the hell's wrong with this island?!

This is very unsettling, okay?

I don't know that I feel comfortable executing,

- what, like, 30 people? - And I got to be honest with you.

I don't have enough bullets in the gun to handle this mission.

What? Damn it, man. This is why you can't be popping off.

Well, I'm sorry.

No, you're not sorry, 'cause we have the same talk.

This is... This is me being sorry!

I have a plan.

- Whoa! - No, no!

Are you crazy?!

You pull that out, they're gonna gun us all down.

Yeah, not if I get them all in a row.

Boom... one shot right through all their heads.

- What? - It could work.

- Thank you. That would never work. - It might work.

- That is a dumb idea. - They'd have to be in single file.

- We're not doing that. - Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!

Here's what we're gonna do, all right?

We'll have to get back in the dinghy,

then we go to the boat, then we get more bullets...

This is a logistical nightmare, man.

- It's very embarrassing. - Yes.

They're not at all how I pictured pirates.

Yeah, I know. Where's the friggin' parrot?

- Neither one of them has a sword. - Yeah, no sword.

They're not cartoons. They are like "Captain Phillips" pirates!

- Mm, no. - Uhh, sorry to break it to you,

but "Captain Phillips" was just a movie.

It's a true story.

I think you're thinking of "Sully"?

Hanks was good in both.

- Yeah, Hanks crushes every film. - Of course he was.

Of course he was, but shut the eff up.

- "Road to Perdition." - Wow.

Listen, and you're not gonna like this,

but I think we need to call the Barracuda.

What? No! No, this was supposed to be a simple snatch and grab.

Well, it's not! Okay, I didn't want to tell you this before,

but look over there at 2:00.

You see that? You see that?

- Is that a body? - Yes, that's a body.

And look, it's fresh. There's still blood on it.

What is wrong with these people? What, are they murderers?

What are you seeing? Who's shooting who?

Shut up. Just keep still, you big tree!

Okay. They've got big guns... Please!

Karen! Sorry. Sorry.

They look soft. I think we should...

We could make a run for it.

People whilin' out here, man. I'm getting creeped out!

- Oh. - What?

- Look. - What?

Oh shit!

Are there people in that hole?

Are there people in that hole?

There's hole people?

Oh! Oh, they've seen me!

Okay, let me down! Whoa!

- There's hole people. - They have hole people. We ain't prepared for hole people!

I think we need to call the Barracuda.

Okay, fine! Fine. No popping off.

All right, everybody, listen up!

We were gonna be real nice to you guys,

but now it's gonna get messy.

We're going to have to bring in our boss... the Barracuda.

Very cool name.

Y'all in trouble now!

Shit.

Ugh.

What's she gonna do?

She gonna jump in the water?

She's in the water.

Oh, that's gonna be bad.

- Oooh! - Shit!

Jet ski's acting up.

- I hate that thing. - They sold us a lemon!