The Great North

All right, I've chopped this month's wood,

mended the fishing nets, canned a batch of pepper jelly,

brainstormed my Halloween costume.

I think people are gonna love me

as Sully from Monsters University.

And it's... 5:00 a.m.?

Kids'll be up soon.

Ooh, I almost forgot to stare with wild wonder

at Alaska's majesty while whispering "Hot dog."

Hot dog.

- Dad. - Moon.

Drinking coffee again?

Yes. I am ten.

Besides, I was up all night tracking a red squirrel

I believe ate some bologna I was drying on the roof.

You mean this guy?

- You got him. - I'll set him free

once I've had a few words with him

about whose bologna is whose around here.

Thank you, Father.

Good morning, Ham. How'd you sleep?

Spectacularly.

I dreamt I tasted an ice cream flavor called "buffet,"

and I awoke feeling complete.

And then I took a glorious dump.

Sup, chumps?

I'm just kidding. Just fooling around.

Good morning, brother, brother, Father.

Ah, the fiancés are up.

I've been thinking about your wedding,

and I have some... one idea.

We do it on the family boat!

No. Mm-mm. I picked out our wedding theme a few months ago

on my drive, when I moved here from Fresno.

I want to base the wedding on my favorite romantic movie,

Brokeback Mountain.

It'll be in a giant tent.

Everyone's wearing jean jacket.

There'll be a lot of loose sheep everywhere.

But no one will be quitting anyone.

And I'm inviting Jake Gyllenhaal.

But if he can't make it,

hopefully Maggie Gyllenhaal.

And if she can't make it,

then hopefully her husband, Peter Sarsgaard.

And if he can't make it,

then Alexander Skarsgard.

It was a very long drive.

Well, speaking of celebrations,

as you all know, it's your sister Judy's sweet 16 today,

and I planned a celebration

that's every teenage girl's dream,

a full day out on the fishing boat with her brothers and dad.

No frills, no thrills...

Just hard work and the feeling of a birthday job well done.

Uh, should we at least look into a clown who's afraid of water?

That could be fun. He'd be all nervous.

Where is Judy anyways?

She said she wanted to have a luxurious birthday morning

and sleep in till 5:45.

How decadent.

Good morning, Judy!

You are finally 16 today, you beautiful beast.

I went to sleep a child, and I woke up a sophisticated

and artistic woman.

This is the year I trade in my barrettes for berets.

But not literally, because I need

to keep my hair off my face.

Ah, good morning, imaginary best friend/inspiration

Alanis Morissette.

And good morning to my best friend/inspiration

- Judy Tobin. - Aw. Really?

Or are you just saying that because it's my birthday?

- Yes. Happy birthday! - Oh.

Well, I have a big birthday announcement.

I got the job!

Well, Judy, I have one hand in my pocket,

and the other one is very proud of you.

You are looking at the newest associ-ette photograph-ette

at the Point & Shoot Photo Studio,

conveniently located at the most inspiring place

in all of Alaska!

- The mall. - The mall.

Oh, the bouquet of perfume samples at La Smell Hut.

The weird empty area between the fountain and the directory.

The cute, slightly older boy who works at Smoothie Boss.

The way his semi-tight pants highlight his,

um, downstairs situation.

Yeah, you get it. You specifically get it.

But, Judy, did you tell your dad yet?

No. You know how he is with change.

I mean, when Mom ran off to Pennsylvania

to be with her lover Marcus,

my dad told us all that she got eaten by a bear

in the Val-U-Buy parking lot.

But she's alive, and we all know that.

And ever since then, he just wants the whole family

to be together all the time.

It'll break his heart if I can't be on the boat

from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

But... Judy, get real.

You-you don't want to spend your life catching fish

after fish after fish

after fish after fish

after fish.

- I know, but... - After fish.

Oh, sorry. I thought you were done. Are you done?

Look, there comes a time

in every young artistic woman's life

when she must put aside her barrettes,

put on her berets...

I was just saying that earlier.

...and grab life by the ass.

Yes. I just need to take one butt cheek of life in each hand,

spread 'em apart, and dive...

Oh!

Calm down, Judy! Oh, God!

I got to calm down! I have to calm down.

For safety.

And now,

entering the kitchen,

16-year-old Judy Tobin!

It's me. Hi.

I made 16 pancakes for the birthday girl.

And I made a portrait

of the whole family's inner yearnings out of yarn,

and it's called Inner Yarnings.

Oh. That's going right up on the fridge.

Everybody stuff up with carbs and meats,

'cause it's gonna be a real Nippy Nora

for the birthday boat party.

Just how we Tobins like it.

That's right, son.

From the day we chew ourselves

off our mother's umbilical cord

to the day a wild animal eats us,

we are fighters,

born to wrestle nature itself into submission

year after glorious year.

My God, this man can give a toast.

Now let's take a moment of silence

for someone who can't celebrate with us today,

your dear departed mother Kathleen.

Is that the same fur bikini your dad has in the guest cabin

with all the candles around it?

It is.

Hark,

some sort of beast has entered our abode.

Line up behind me in order of bravery.

- Moose! - Everyone stay back.

Let me try to get him out of here. Easy.

Does that moose have "sexin" balloons in his antlers?

- Easy. - Is that a sex moose?

That's not what... The balloons spelled out "sixteen."

And they weren't supposed to be on a moose!

How did a moose even get in here?

Oh, moose can get in anywhere.

Last fall, one got into the school gym

during a basketball game.

He made the winning basket and then nearly killed the coach.

Yeah, moose are super dangerous, my love.

But they're so big and cute, like Jason Momoa.

I find him more brutally handsome than cute, but...

Guys, please! I'm trying to focus.

Dad, hold the moose. I'll ride it out of here.

Moon, for the hundredth time, you can't ride a moose.

You can't ride a moose.

- You ruined Judy's birthday balloons,

- you friggin' jerk! - Wolf, no!

Just let him go!

Oh, no! The moose got Mom's pageant bikini!

And her gorgeous hair extensions!

No! Sexi! Stop!

Those were the last things we had of your mom's.

No, Dad, we still have...

uh, our memories.

Like the day she left for Pennsyl...

Uh, Pennsyl... heaven.

Uh, penc... uh, pencil heaven.

To be with the angels.

And the pencils.

Uh, because she was a saint who is definitely dead.

Mm-hmm. End of discussion.

If only being a saint was enough to stop her

from being eaten to death by a bear

on her way to buy medicine for the children's hospital.

The children's hospital accepts donated medicine?

Well, as much as I'd like to track that moose down...

For the sport of it,

not because I'm obsessed with your mother's things

that still smell a little bit like her

and that I sometimes like to smell...

We can't let this ruin Judy's big day.

Let's load up for the boat.

Psst, everyone,

family meeting right now.

Why are we whispering?

Because I don't want Dad to hear.

And it's fun.

Yes. Moon gets it.