How I Met Your Father

Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da

Ripped and corrected by - YoungJedi -

So in addition, my client is offering

the townhouse on East 63rd Street,

the oceanfront estate in Farhampton,

and this bottle...

of 1831 single malt Glen McKenna,

valued at $3 million.

I was saving this for a special occasion.

But without my Becky, no occasion will ever be special again.

Captain...

I don't want your houses.

I don't want your car.

I don't want your private jet.

You're having second thoughts. Marvelous!

Let's drink to celebrate.

Maybe there's a bar nearby.

Captain...

You broke my heart.

You hit me where it hurts.

So now, I'm going to hit you where it hurts.

Oh no. Rough seas ahead.

I only want

three things.

Boats, boats...

- Please don't say boats. - ...boats.

Oh god...

That's right, Captain.

I'm going to take

all your boats,

and I'm gonna sink 'em!

Every. Last. One of them.

- But, you love boats-- - I hate boats!

Mom! You left the story off

on you in a restaurant, being stood up.

You've got to stop with this random rich couple.

Would you trust me?

They're going to come into play soon.

So, I was waiting at the restaurant...

Dear god...

I'm being stood up.

Sophie. Hi!

- Hi. - I am so sorry.

I was on the train. I bumped into that guy I got in a fight with.

You remember the dad with the two 5-year-old breakdancing twins?

And I was like you shouldn't make your kids perform like that,

And he was like, "They love it!" I was like, "They're 5.

They'd probably also love a dad who obeyed child labor laws."

Anyway, I didn't want a repeat incident, so I got off the train, and I ran here.

Okay, listen.

I wanna start this off right.

I went to see Meredith earlier today.

Uh, she released a single,

and I kind of spun out about it,

and I-I just needed some closure.

I-I hope you can understand that.

Did you get the closure you were looking for?

I did.

- I'm glad. - Me, too.

Good.

We'd waited a long time to get to this moment,

so we decided to take things slow.

That was...

Wow.

Yeah. Uh,

I see your wow, and I raise you a whoa.

You think that Thai place delivers?

Maybe.

Or we could just do that again.

Yeah. We'll eat when we're dead.

On one hand, it's the best cardiothoracic fellowship

in the country, and I got a spot.

Of course you did, Hannah.

You're like the ideal cardiothoracic fellow.

Sometimes, I want to puncture my own lung just so you can fix it.

But it means another year of long distance.

Year-schmear!

It's this ad I saw for the cream-cheese-of -the-month club, but it applies here, too.

Hannah...

There's only one thing to do.

We've got to become a bicoastal power couple.

We are going to scrimp and save, so we can visit each other a lot more often,

and we've got the best of both coasts.

Bagels and burritos, baby.

I do like the sound of that.

You always know just what to say.

You wanna go do it bicoastal style?

What's bicoastal style?

I'm not sure, but I've got an image of you in a bikini top

and me wearing mittens.

Ooh!

Ellen, where have you been?

I can't sleep. I need you to do that thing

where you scratch my back and sing Enya to me.

And why do you have a cat?

Well, first I had my interview at Goliath Market,

which did not go well.

- Ellen, hi. - Hi.

I'm Mark, the lead producer buyer.

Lead produce buyer?

So, you're like the... head of lettuce.

Y-you know, the head of lettuce?

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

Th-the head of--

After my interview, I went on OkCupid 'cause I thought a date might cheer me up,

but the woman showed up with her husband.

And then I realized that I had set my settings to

"couples only" for months.

When I finally got home,

I found this little lady outside the building.

Think she's exactly what I need right now.

An emotional support animal.

Look at us.

We're totally bonding.

Had something of a night myself.

Valentina let slip that she wants kids someday.

And I absolutely do not.

Really?

But, you're a bossy narcissist with a sentimental streak.

I know. I mean, on paper, I'm a born parent.

It's just...

Having children turned my mother into a mean, spiteful woman,

and I want to be kind and generous

and not the sort of person who throws jewelry at their children in a fit of rage

whenever the Duchess of Cornwall cancels tea time.

Charlie, you and Valentina are still a very new relationship.

Valentina's nowhere near ready to have a baby.

Hi, Ellen. How'd the interview--

Kitty!

Oh hi, little baby!

Aw...

Mama loves you. Yeah.

We fell asleep after an amazing night,

and all felt right with the world,

- until... - I love you, Sophie.

- Hey, you. - Ah!

I mean...

hey!

Last night was pretty great, huh?

I mean, two times? What are we, porn stars?

I think keeping the laptop off my crotch has really paid off.

Son, I'm not proud of this,

but I wasn't used to guys

wearing their hearts on their sleeves,

and it freaked me the F out.

You gotta go now.

I mean, I've got to...

start getting ready for my gallery show.

- Really? Already? - Mm-hmm.

It's not for, like, 10 hours.

Yeah. But then, I-- You know, I gotta shower.

And then another shower,

and maybe squeeze in one more shower.

One thing you're going to learn about me is I love showers.

- Uh, okay. - Tata for now!

Wow.

All turned around from two times with Jesse.

Wow. I have never planned two weddings for one couple before.

Love the Pinterest board you sent over, by the way.

Yeah! Dope boards, huh? You like the rustic chalkboard table signs?

Truly inspired.

I've never seen anything like it before.

Anyway, here's what I think we're looking at price-wise

- for the New York wedding. - Okay.

Uh... I had to move my head to get to the end of this number, Lisa.

This is too long of a number.

And here's what I think we're looking at for the Indian wedding.

Oh my god, you better tell me that's in rupees!

What did you think this was going to cost?

You're supposed to enter on a white horse.

I can get you a great deal on a white horse. Do not ask me how.

Okay, you can ask me how.

- How? - How?

You've heard of Tiger King?

- Yeah. - Well,

I am in an on-again, off-again relationship

with the White Horse King.

And right now, we are on, baby.

She fits perfectly in my arms.

It's like they were made for you...

Oh god.

I also just...

adore her.

- Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! - Whoa!

I can't take this anymore. Valentina...

I don't want kids, okay?

Not now. Not ever.

- Uh... What? - Yesterday, you said, "One day,

we'd watch soccer with our future children," and I...

care about you too much to not be honest with you.

I'm never going to want children.

Oh.

Got it.

Claw-kward.

I don't understand why you're suddenly freaking out about costs!

You're the one who wanted a second international wedding.

Yeah, when I thought our lives were about to get way less expensive.

Like, Hannah, I thought, we were gonna live in one city and share one apartment,

not constantly be flying across the country