Rules of Engagement

Sir, I just got a call from your father. He's on his way up to see you.

Oh, I did not know that my dad was in town.

Sir, I know your father can be intimidating.

But you're a grown man.

Why do you allow him to have this power over you?

I don't know.

Why do you allow me to have power over you?

Anyway, he's in town for a couple of days,

and he's excited to meet your wife.

What? No!

My wife is Liz!

I mean, look at this grill.

Sir, you're overreacting. She's not that bad.

Compared to the chicks he marries, she is.

His latest wife is one of the hottest, youngest women

in the world.

That's it... I need a professional escort.

You're going to use a prostitute to pose as your wife?

That's a great idea.

When I'm finished, I'll have her do that.

Russell!

- Hey. - Come here,

you little flyweight! Come on.

Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

So, wait, what are you doing in town, dad?

Well, I came in to check up on my company,

and I thought I'd meet that tasty little piece

you married.

What do you think, Timmy? Is she a looker?

In the sense that she can see? Yes.

Well, I've set quite a high bar in the marriage department.

That is, if you throw out Russell's mother

as a mulligan.

It's funny, because she gave me life.

Here, take a look at my latest.

I was in Tahiti,

and I saw the most beautiful woman.

And then...

I married her daughter.

My God, she's exquisite.

Yeah? You should see her naked.

Matter of fact, give me your email address.

Oh, no. You don't have to do that.

- It's right there on the card. - All right.

Russell,

let's see a picture of your wife.

Oh, Liz? My wife? Um,

I don't think I have one, like here, handy.

Well, no matter.

Bring her to the club tomorrow night, at 6:00. I'll meet her then.

- Okay, dad. - Ho! Ha ha ha!

- I never liked that. - See you, Timmy.

Sir.

Sorry I had to put you through that.

Ah, it's all right, sir.

No, I'm talking to the shredder.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's Booger doing in our booth?

Who?

That's Booger, from Revenge of The Nerds.

Oh, hey, hey. Guys! Guys!

Check it out! It's Curtis Armstrong.

- Hi! I'm Curtis! - Yeah, we heard.

Shove it over, Booger.

Um, it's actually Curtis.

Oh, it's all right. It's all right, Adam.

I'm...I'm proud of my work.

Jeez, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back.

Adam was actually just about to tell me

how he and Curtis met.

- It was raining. - Mm-hmm.

And we both reached for the cab door

at the same time, right? And I was like,

remember? I was like, "where are you headed?"

- And I'm like... - "Where are you headed?"

And so we get to chatting, and whatnot.

And what we realized, that we have

so much in common, you know?

Like I love Revenge of The Nerds.

And I'm in Revenge of The Nerds.

Right.

Thank God.

It's Audrey. Hey, uh,

- did the, uh, doctor call? - Yeah, uh,

he said the thing in my throat's just a node,

and, uh, he's running some tests

to make sure it's nothing.

And he said I shouldn't worry.

All right, so let me guess.

- You're going to worry. - Of course I am!

We won't know the test results till Monday.

I'm going to need you to keep me calm this weekend.

Just try to relax.

I can't!

Good start. I'll see you in a bit.

No test results until Monday.

This is devastating.

Oh, my God. Is she going to be okay?

Who?

Audrey!

Look, she's going to be fine.

But this whole throat thing

is just going to wreck my weekend plans.

Dude, I am sure she can still do other stuff.

I'm supposed to go to Syracuse this weekend,

to see my old college buddies.

- Oh, so go. - I can't.

Wait. Can I?

You do, and she will resent you.

Yes, and when her, uh, test results

come back fine, I will resent her.

Once again, in marriage,

there are no winners.

You know,

there may be a way for you to go

and not have Audrey resent you.

Actors always have the answers.

Go ahead, Curtis.

Okay.

The key is, to have Audrey think it's her idea that you go.

How?

Be such a nice guy

that she'll feel too guilty

to ask you to stay.

What?

You know,

Booger actually might be on to something here.

You know, I have made over 30 movies.

You played Booger in all of them?

No!

Just four.

- Wow! Fancy! - Huh?

What gave you the idea for my day of beauty?

- All the other days. - Oh, you!

But seriously, you deserve to be pampered.

You know, the way my stomach's going, I could use some pampers.

Bonjour.

Hey,

- There you go. - French!

You know, I speak French to my husband.

With my tongue.

Stay down, Cobb salad.

What can we do for you today?

Everything!

I mean, whatever you got, throw it at her.

I'd like to look like

January Jones in Mad Men.

Mmm.

Okay, you heard the lady.

January Jones in Mad Men, it is.

Hey, call your families.

You won't be home tonight.

Oh, we have a special delivery for Audrey Bingham.

Jeff, that is so...

Wait, is the special delivery what's behind the basket?

Not this time.

Then that is very nice.

Uh, this stuff should just help

keep your mind off of your test results.

Uh-huh. Trashy magazines, wine,

romantic movies.

Look at you, with your thoughtfulness.

And I'm going to be here every minute

to take care of you and support you,

even if it means not going on my guys' weekend to Syracuse.

Oh, God. That's right.

- That's this weekend. - It is.

Uh, but you... Just say the word,

and I will cancel it.

Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.

Of course, I want you to stay.

Yeah, yeah, this will be fun. I'm going to go open this wine.

Then we can watch that Tilda Swinton movie.

That's great advice, Booger.

You look beautiful.

Boy, it's really nice of you to invite me.

It can get lonely working on location,

away from home.

- Oh... - Well,

it is the anniversary of our first date,

so it makes sense that Booger's here.

You know,

I'm getting a little tired of this, Jen.

Um, Curtis is more than just Booger.

- Oh... - No, no. He has done

countless classics, okay?

Risky Business, Better Off Dead.

I wrote additional material for the Goofy Movie.

Huh. I did not know that.

Way to go, man.

Thank you, Adam.

What is happening?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get upset.

This is our anniversary.

This is our special night.

- To us. - To us.

Get in here, Curtis.

Hey, Timmy, thanks for coming.

They're ready to release Liz into the wild.

Well, sir, I'm sure they did a fine job.