Joe vs Carole

* *

* *

- Hey. Hey, man, yo, I'm here.

Where you at? It's Travis.

Travis Maldonado.

What do you mean it's not happening?

Wait--dude, I came all the way down here from Texas.

I don't have-- hello?

God. Fuck!

* *

Every fairy tale starts out sad--

parents dead, evil stepmothers,

kids orphaned without a shot in the world.

And then the fairy godmother shows up,

or the dwarves or some old guy who makes clocks.

Hey, kid...

lookin' for work?

- And nothing is ever the same again.

Go from being a regular kid

to standing at the foot of Neverland.

Hey. Come on.

* *

And before you know it, you're Peter fuckin' Pan.

[Son the Father's "Fucked Up"]

Whoo!

* *

What the f...

* *

Son of a goddamn--Amber!

Get everybody in the fuckin' gift shop now!

- And in local news, the primaries

for the Governor's race are heating up

- with less than two months... - Shut that shit off!

Latest SoonerPoll--

- You motherfuckers think you can pull a fast one on me?

Well, I got news for you--

I see everything!

Hey, Rink, how was your nap?

Hey, Cowie and Saff, still filling the meat buckets?

Should've had the goddamn tigers

in their lockout cages already.

Take it easy, Joe.

I was up all night feedin' the cubs.

- Cry me a fuckin' river. It's your job!

I got two guys at home fucking me up the ass.

I don't need y'all to join in.

- Joe, you've been comin' down on us a lot lately, man.

- Yeah, man, we're working hard.

- Be fair. - Fair!

I got the Baskins tryin' to take every penny I got.

You think that's fuckin' fair?

- If you're so worried about money,

why'd you spend so much on the security cameras?

God damn it.

I gotta find out who I can trust around here!

- You know you can trust us, Joe.

Oh, really?

- It ain't our fault your reality show didn't sell.

No.

That's 'cause of the animal rights Nazis.

And so help me God, if I find out

any one of you are in cahoots with them bastards...

- What are you talking about, man?

- We're all on your side here. - Then show it!

I got a whale from Vegas

comin' down here and lookin' for a place to house his cats.

That's the kind of money we need!

Okay?

It's put up or shut up time.

And if y'all do how you been doing,

I don't give a flyin' fuck

who you are, I will fire all your asses!

All right, thank you, Sidney.

Okay, conference call with Joe is set for tomorrow morning.

Wow. Hell has frozen over.

I'm excited to talk to Mr. Exotic.

- Oh, God, this can't end soon enough.

- Mr. and Mrs. Baskin, this is Congresswoman Vivian Ross.

- How do you do? - My pleasure.

- Carole? - Yes, hello.

It's so nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for sponsoring our bill.

- The Big Cat Public Safety Act. It's a good name.

- Ah. - My wife is very creative.

- I didn't realize you were a dog person.

Oh, is that an issue?

No, of course not.

- Well, I'm happy to report

we're bringing your legislation to my sub-committee.

- Oh, my gosh, that's great news, great news.

- Oh, wow, so then we can bring it to the House floor?

Oh, not so fast.

There are a couple of hurdles first,

including your testimony before my committee.

Ah, okay, well,

as long as you're there to whip up votes, I will do my part.

- Fair warning, my fellow members are gonna grill you,

so you have to know your stuff.

You're going to have to show them why this bill

makes sense for them and their constituents.

- Can do. Ready to be grilled.

You're doing great stuff.

And to think, I always thought cat people were a little weird.

What's going on?

Waiting for Mr. Moneybags.

Wanna give him the red carpet treatment, you know?

This is a biggie for us.

I want everyone to be on point today.

What can I do to help?

- You just keep bein' you. That's all I need.

[DMX's "Party Up (Up In Here)"]

- * Whoo, y'all gon' make me lose my mind *

* Up in here, up in here *

* Y'all gon' make me go all out *

* Up in here, up in here *

* Y'all gon' make me act a fool *

Jeff Lowe.

Damn nice to finally meet you in person.

And this must be your...

- Wife. - Right.

- This is Lauren. - Hi.

- Welcome to our little slice of paradise.

* *

It always smell like this?

- * Ain't nothing y'all can do *

- * Ain't nothin' y'all can do now *

- Where the fuck did you get a camel?

- Hell, Jeff, we got 50 species of animals,

over 200 big cats, livin' their best life

in cages as clean as a nun's wet spot.

Plus I got state of the art security now too.

I got a hundred cameras all around the park.

You know why I do all that?

- I'm pretty sure you're gonna tell me.

- 'Cause ain't nobody gonna love on your cats

the way I'm gonna.

This park is my whole life.

Hey.

So was the one I used to own,

before those animal rights pricks shut it down.

- Don't get me started on those motherfuckers.

- I heard they came for you too.

- Yeah, they still are. That bitch Carole Baskin?

Got a hard-on for me.

She's the worst of the bunch.

- Seriously, I think Carole comes when she thinks

about putting me out of business.

Now, Joe, Joe.

Promise me that you'll never use the words "Carole Baskin"

and "come" again in the same sentence.

- Yeah, there ain't enough Viagra in the world.

- What you got there? - Look at these.

Oh, my God.

- I love the condoms with you on them.

- Take as many as you want, on the house.

- That's okay, the last thing I want to see

before I hit this is your face.

Will you guys hang tight?

This Baskin root canal

shouldn't take more than a few minutes.

- Hey, you give that bitch hell, all right, Joe?

For all of us, all right?

- Okay, so, once everyone signs off

on the final terms of payment, my office will handle the rest,

unless you have any objections.

- Are you kidding?

We're only too happy to finally put this to bed.

Okay, good.

Hi, this is Sidney Pierce representing the Baskins.

- Hi, this is Joe, representing my own goddamn self

'cause I can't afford a fuckin' lawyer anymore thanks to you.

- Okay, well, Mr. Schreibvogel,

I'm assuming that you received the final schedule of payments.

- Yeah, I got them, but I can't make

these payments during the winter.

And why's that?

Because this ain't Tampa.

I work a seasonal business. How many kids you know

like walkin' around a zoo freezin' their asses off?

So what are you proposing?

- How about you show some humanity and cut me a break?

I'm doin' everything I can here.

Um, one second please.

Carole?

Can't do it.

I'm not here to make friends.

I have to do what's best for the cats.

- I'm afraid that's not going to work for us, Joe.

- Why don't you come out and tell the truth, Carole,

that you won't stop till you take my zoo from me.

Ain't that the big fuckin' end game here?

Joe, this is Howard.

This isn't a negotiation. You have no leverage here.

- You know, this is all such a big goddamn waste of time.

This is so far from fuckin' being acceptable.

So why don't you take those payments

and why don't you shove them right up your lily white asses?

- I'm sorry, who's speaking please?