Vice Principals

Lee and I have some issues to discuss.

Open or closed?

- Open. - Closed.

He said to do closed.

You all are probably wondering why I'm sitting with you.

Lee Russell is an asshole.

- (LAUGHING) - No shit.

He's got me substitute teaching history class.

You even go to college?

Yes. I went to college.

What were your SAT scores?

I think my SAT scores are none of your business.

The teachers definitely hate you and mock you at every turn.

King Ding-a-Ling?

So, I made it my wall paper.

Woo!

I am the Principal.

Uh, I was supposed to be Principal too, so...

Yes... But, then you got shot.

You were broken and I brought you back.

Most mischievous foul sin...

What a life is this,

that your poor friends must woo your company?

A fool, a fool!

I met a fool in the forest,

a motley fool, in a miserable world!

All right. Listen, listen, listen, listen!

My good friend Joni Mitchell once said,

"Laughing and crying..." And shut up, Maggie!

"...is the same release."

Think, think, think, think, think, think.

Seychelles!

Seychelles!

Where are you, big boy?

Seychelles!

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Seychelles.

Seychelles. I see you in that red hat!

Get out here, right now!

Team-building is mandatory, Russell says so.

Have a heart. I have all this work to do, you know that.

Seychelles-- You don't understand!

You're not an artist! Get the fuck out!

Move it, ladies!

If we are passionate, there is nothing we cannot accomplish.

Power is speed and force. Let's go!

These guys are working the teachers like Hebrew slaves.

SweatDogs are the best team-building company in the world.

They've even done it for Japanese corporations.

Look at Seychelles's ass.

Flustered, sweating, and looking like a bitch.

What are you doing? Don't look at me.

Get up. We don't fall over. Don't look at me.

On your feet, sir!

I can't do it. It's too heavy.

It's too heavy? Well, we've identified the weak one.

The man in the infinity scarf.

That's how you keep people in line, Gamby.

You push them to the limits.

That's enough. He's trying his best.

Break them down to nothing.

I think you should get back to doing what you were doing. Don't touch me.

And rebuild them into whatever you want.

Pretty diabolical there, boss.

It's good to be the king.

What I just witnessed: the most obnoxious,

arrogant, out-of-shape group of teachers

that I have ever seen in my life.

And we work with the Special Olympics!

Well, why do you think I fuckin' called you?

Huh? You got your fuckin' berets.

You got your tank tops.

Isn't it to whip people into shape?

Don't worry, don't worry. We like to implement

involuntary reeducation of basic beliefs and values

to adjust to your institution's philosophy.

Hmm. So brainwashing. It's not brainwashing.

We call it... Think-change.

Shawn came up with that term.

I used to be fat as fuck,

but I had to change my lifestyle and my mindset

to get jacked and pumped.

Think-change.

You, my friend, are fuckin' cool! You're damn right.

What, Janice?

Can't you see I'm talking to these SweatDogs?

Oh, I'm very sorry to...

interrupt. Then why are you interrupting?

Your wife called,

and, um, it's urgent.

So, what's the emergency, Russell?

My father passed away.

Aw, shit.

I'm sorry, Russell. Were you guys close?

No.

He was a Navy captain, my daddy.

A fuckin' man's man.

He showered my two older sisters with all the affection.

They grew up to be tomboys,

interested in sports and cars.

He was always more proud of them than he ever was of me.

That's tough.

That's real tough.

I know how it is.

Really? Your father was an asshole who looked down on you too?

I mean... not really.

Actually, he supported me in all my endeavors,

was there for me pretty much every step of the way.

What the fuck?

You have no fuckin' idea what I'm going through, Gamby!

Well, I still really, really pity you.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes.

I need you to run Jackson while I'm gone.

For a day.

You think you can do that without fuckin' it up?

Trust me, okay? I can handle anything.

Can you handle these lazy, fuckin' teachers? Yeah.

Don't let them get out of the team-building workshops either.

I paid these SweatDogs good money to beat them into submission.

If they participate, you write them up.

Mandatory attendance. Got it. Easy. And a fine.

And a fine.

Look at that.

Come tomorrow,

you will be principal of North Jackson high school.

For a day.

It'll be nice to see your sisters again.

We haven't seen them in ages.

Their boys must be all grown up by now.

All four of their kids together look like

a retarded Hitler youth group.

Oh, fuck, no!

Christine, I have a white stain

on my special black funeral suit!

It's so small, you can hardly notice it.

My sisters notice everything.

Lynn will say that this looks like dried-up cum,

and Lacey will say that it is dried-up cum.

You know how my sisters are towards me, Christine!

Yeah, but everything's closed.

Nothing's open now. But...

Nobody's going to be noticing your suit.

You're there to celebrate your father's life.

It doesn't look like dried-up cum.

Okay.

God damn it.

...with liberty and justice for all.

Unbelievable.

Good morning, boss for the day.

Principal Gamby.

What do you two think you are doing? We just raised the flag,

getting the doors open for business.

You don't think I would have wanted to raise the flag, Nash?

Russell usually does it, but we didn't know that you were--

Listen to what you're saying, okay, Nash.

Russell usually does it because he's the principal.

What am I today? I'm the principal, Nash.

Of course I want to raise the flag!

And why are you wearing a hat when you're pledging allegiance, Nash?

The one fuckin' time I've ever seen you with a hat,

and it's when you're raising the flag.

You guys suck beans at being patriots.

Mr. Gamby, you have a nine o'clock with Harold in maintenance,

and then you have a 9:30 phone call with the district,

and then after lunch, you have a meeting with student government.

Oh, and, um, here's the checklist

of all the teachers doing new curriculum proposals.

You're about to give me a fuckin' panic attack,

and I'm just starting to get situated, okay.

Don't be fuckin' with my head!

I'm sorry, um...

You have about seven minutes until morning announcements.

I have to do that?

It'll be fun.

Okay. This is a teleprompter.

Can you read okay?

These are the words that I'm to say? Yes, it is.

Okay. Easy fine. Cinch. Okay.

I'm gonna give you a countdown and we're gonna start. Three.

Two. Two, one.

One. Three, two, one, to do what?

To do what? To do the thing? I'm ready.

Go! Fine. Shut up.

Oh shit, Mr. Gamby on TV.

Hey! Good afternoon, ladies.

Tigers. Tigers.

I'm Principal Namby...

Robotics Club is canceling their monthly meetings next Thursday,

so, no reason to go to the meetings,

'cause no one who does robots is going to be there.

Uh, today, is Miranda Clarke and Ricky Leache's birthday.

It's a special time to have a birthday,

to be able to celebrate with your friends.

Mr. Gamby looks like he's having a stroke.

Uh, faculty is reminded that today after school,

team-building with the SweatDogs will continue.

Attendance is mandatory.

And in the final words of every...

the stuff for the morning announcements,