Man of the House

FIVE YEARS AGO, MY DAD LEFT.

HE SAID HE LOVED ME AND MY MOM, BUT HE NEEDED HIS OWN SPACE.

HE TOOK HIS SECRETARY ALONG WITH HIM.

HE SAID HE NEEDED SOMEONE TO ANSWER HIS PHONE CALLS.

HE PROMISED TO COME VISIT ME FROM TIME TO TIME.

BUT HE WAS NEVER VERY GOOD AT KEEPING PROMISES.

MY MOM WAS REALLY UPSET.

BUT I TOLD HER WE STILL HAD EACH OTHER.

AND I'D LOOK AFTER HER AS LONG AS I LIVED.

WE DECIDED TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.

A WHOLE NEW LIFE.

SO WE MOVED INTO A SMALL LOFT APARTMENT DOWNTOWN.

IT WAS PRETTY GROSS AT FIRST.

BUT MY MOM'S REAL CREATIVE, AND SHE TURNED IT INTO A HOME IN NO TIME.

SHE EVEN CREATED A KIND OF BACKYARD GARDEN ON THE ROOF WHERE I COULD PLAY.

AFTER A WHILE, SHE GOT OVER MY FATHER LEAVING.

I DID TOO.

EVENTUALLY, SHE STARTED DATING AGAIN.

BUT THEY WERE ALL JERKS.

AND THEY NEVER LASTED LONG.

AND EVENTUALLY, WE WOULD GO BACK TO THE WAY THINGS WERE.

JUST THE TWO OF US.

I LIKED IT THAT WAY.

WE STARTED MAKING A COLLAGE FROM THINGS WE FOUND ON THE BEACH...

TO TAKE OUR MINDS OFF EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED.

WE'VE BEEN DOING IT NOW FOR ALMOST FIVE YEARS.

MY MOM SAYS WE'LL FINISH IT SOMEDAY.

UP TOP. RIGHT THERE.

THEN TWO WEEKS AGO, THE WORSE THING IN THE WORLD HAPPENED.

MY MOM TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO GET MARRIED AGAIN.

JUST WHEN WE GET OUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER,

SHE HAS TO GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YOU'D THINK BY NOW SHE WOULD HAVE LEARNED HER LESSON.

I DON'T CARE HOW OLD I GET, I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMAN.

THE FEDERAL DISTRICT COURT OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON IS NOW IN SESSION.

THE DEFENDANT WILL RISE.

FRANCES JAMES RENDA,

YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY OF THE CRIME...

OF TRAFFICKING IN NARCOTICS.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO THIS COURT BEFORE A SENTENCE IS PASSED ?

YES, YOUR HONOR. I WANT TO THANK THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY...

FOR GIVING ME A FAIR TRIAL.

I WANT HIM TO KNOW THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS IN SPITE OF THE OUTCOME.

AND I ALSO WISH HIM A LOT OF LUCK IN HIS FUTURE ENDEAVORS.

YOUR HONOR, PROSECUTING ATTORNEY WOULD LIKE TO KNOW...

IF THE DEFENDANT'S REMARKS ARE IN THE NATURE OF A THREAT.

THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY HAS ME ALL WRONG, YOUR HONOR.

I'M A HARMLESS OLD MAN. I DON'T MAKE THREATS.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE FOR A MOMENT THERE,

THE PROSECUTING ATTORNEY WAS REALLY, REALLY SCARED.

THAT WILL DO, MR. STURGES.

THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. NOW, IF YOU TWO GENTLEMEN ARE FINISHED,

I'D LIKE TO PRONOUNCE SENTENCE.

FRANCES JAMES RENDA,

IT IS THE JUDGMENT OF THIS COURT THAT YOU SERVE NOT LESS THAN 50 YEARS...

IN THE FEDERAL CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTE AT SHERIDAN, OREGON.

THIS COURT IS ADJOURNED.

BAILIFF WE'LL APPEAL THIS. DON'T WORRY.

WE'LL APPEAL, HUH ?

CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY. CONGRATULATIONS, JACK. YOU'RE THE BEST.

THAT'S ONE MORE PIECE OF GARBAGE OFF THE STREET.

MR. RENDA, THIS WAY PLEASE.

WELL, THAT'S DONE. WE CAN GO.

HEY, STURGES, YOU THINK YOU'RE PRETTY TOUGH, DON'T YOU ?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, COUNSELOR.

YOU MAY BE ON TOP OF THE SITUATION NOW, BUT KEEP IN MIND...

THINGS HAVE A WAY OF COMIN' AROUND.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

WELL, JOEY, IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT COMES AROUND,

I'M GONNA STEP ON YOU LIKE A BUG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN ?

WHO WAS THAT GUY ?

THAT'S FRANK'S SON JOEY. HE LOOKS DANGEROUS.

I'VE DEALT WITH A HUNDRED OF THESE GUYS. THEY'RE JUST CHEAP HOODS IN EXPENSIVE SUITS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

I'M GONNA GET THIS GUY.

I THOUGHT I'D BRING MY STUFF OVER AROUND NOON TOMORROW. IS THAT OKAY ?

MMM. SURE.

YOU HAVE ROOM FOR MY BIG BALL OF USED DENTAL FLOSS OR NOT ?

OH, I'M SURE WE'LL FIND ROOM FOR IT.

BEEN SAVING IT SINCE I WAS THREE YEARS OLD.

HATE TO SEPARATE FROM IT. IT MUST BE ABOUT 400 POUNDS NOW.

WHAT ? WHAT'D YOU SAY YOU WERE BRINING ?

NOTHING. I JUST WANTED TO GET YOUR ATTENTION. YOU'VE BEEN DISTRACTED ALL DAY.

IS IT THE OPENING OF YOUR SHOW OR IS SOMETHING ELSE BOTHERING YOU ?

NO. NO, I GUESS I'VE JUST BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU MOVING IN WITH ME AND BEN.

YOU'RE NOT HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS, ARE YOU ? NO.

NO. I WANT YOU TO MOVE IN. IT'S BEN.

WHAT ? IT'S BEN ?

WAIT-WAIT-WAIT A MINUTE.

BEN DOESN'T WANT ME TO MOVE IN ?

NO, I GUESS HE'S JUST NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THE IDEA YET.

OH, WELL, IF THAT'S ALL YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT, RELAX.

I KNEW BEN WOULD HAVE THOSE FEELINGS.

SO I WENT OUT AND GOT JUST ABOUT EVERY BOOK I COULD FIND ON STEP-PARENTING.

PRACTICALLY AN EXPERT.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT SEX, ISN'T IT ?

PLEASE, BEN, I'M YOUR MOTHER !

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND.

I ALREADY KNOW THAT WOMEN REACH THEIR SEXUAL PEAK IN THEIR 30s.

WHERE DID YOU PICK UP THAT KIND OF STUFF ?

DONAHUE.

I'M GETTING RID OF THE TELEVISION SET.

HEY, HOW ABOUT THIS ? OH, GOOD ONE.

ANYWAY, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT SEX.

I THINK IT'D BE A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO HAVE AN ADULT MALE...

AROUND THE HOUSE AS A ROLE MODEL.

WELL, WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE DAD AND SPLITS WITH HIS SECRETARY ?

HE'S NOT LIKE YOUR DAD.

ANYWAY, HIS SECRETARY'S ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE A SERIAL KILLER...

AND TRIES TO BOIL OUR HEADS IN ACID ?

YOU'RE STRETCHING, BENJAMIN. THAT COULD HAPPEN.

THIS IS JUST A TRIAL PERIOD. AND JACK'S GONNA KEEP HIS OWN APARTMENT.

SO IF FOR SOME REASON THINGS DON'T WORK OUT,

HE'LL GO BACK TO HIS PLACE.

AND YOU AND I WILL GO BACK TO THE WAY WE WERE.

OKAY ?

DID YOU KNOW HE ACTUALLY IRONS HIS JEANS ?

YES. AND I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT MAKES HIM AN AXE MURDERER.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT A COMPULSION LIKE THAT...

GENERALLY INDICATES A DEEPER PSYCHOSIS.

I HEARD IT ON GERALDO.

LOOK, BEN.

I LOVE JACK AND I'D LIKE TO HAVE A HUSBAND AGAIN.

BUT YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN MY LIFE.

AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.

OKAY ? OKAY ?

YEAH, OKAY.

BUT I STILL THINK HE MIGHT TRY AND BOIL OUR HEADS IN ACID.

I KNEW IT.

LET'S SEE. STURGES. STURGES.

HMMM. NOT HERE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT A SERIAL KILLER.

IT JUST MEANS THEY HAVEN'T CAUGHT HIM YET.

[ Door Opening, Laughing ]

BEN, CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND ?

I'VE GOT A SORE BACK. MY DOCTOR SAYS I SHOULDN'T DO ANY HEAVY LIFTING.

PERHAPS YOU CAN DO SOMETHING LIGHT LIKE MAKE SOME ROOM FOR JACK'S THINGS...

IN THE CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS.

BUT THAT'S WHERE WE KEEP ALL THE STUFF WE COLLECT ON THE BEACH.

WELL, WE CAN PUT IT SOMEWHERE ELSE FOR THE TIME BEING.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT STUFF.

IT'LL BE FINE IF WE PUT IT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. I DON'T NEED TO UNPACK ALL MY STUFF RIGHT NOW.

I CAN JUST HOLD THIS. IT'S MORE CONVENIENT IF I NEED TO GET ANYTHING.

NO, IT'S NO TROUBLE. IS IT, BENJAMIN ?

NO.

IT'S NO TROUBLE.

THANKS, BENNY. I APPRECIATE IT.

HE'S CALLING ME BENNY ALREADY.

I MEANT TO TELL YOU. HE HATES TO BE CALLED BENNY.

NO BENNY ? THANKS, BEN.

* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DINAH *

* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN I KNOW *

* SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DINAH *

JACK ! COME ON, JACK ! * STRUMMING ON THE OL' BANJO

ARE YOU GONNA BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT ? * I'M SINGIN'

* FEE, FI, FIDDLY-I-OH FEE, FI FIDDLY-I-OH-OH-OH *

* FEE, FI FIDDLY-I-OH STRUMMING ON THE OL' BANJO *

* OH, DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW *

* DINAH, WON'T YOU BLOW--

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HOT WATER ?

IT'S AN OLD BUILDING, JACK. SOMETIMES THE WATER JUST CUTS RIGHT OUT. YOU NEVER KNOW.

BEN, I WAS SHOWERING. I'M COVERED WITH SOAP. COULD I JUST COME IN ?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

BEN LOCKED ME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.

YOU DON'T THINK HE DID IT ON PURPOSE, DO YOU ?

'COURSE NOT. I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.

UGH !

WHOA ! WHAT IS ALL THIS STUFF ?

UHH ! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS GUY ?

IS HE DECOMPOSING OR SOMETHING ?

ALLERGY MEDICINE ? GREAT.

HE SMELLS BAD AND HE'S A WIMP. WHAT A ROLE MODEL.

HEY, MOM, WHERE'S MY TOOTHPASTE ?

I CAN'T FIND ANY OF MY STUFF !

EXCUSE ME. DO YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO THAT ?

SORRY. CAN'T RESIST A PRETTY GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BUDDY ?

I'M 11. I HATE GIRLS.

OH, RIGHT, OF COURSE.

I USED TO BE 11 MYSELF. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

COOTIES, RIGHT ?

YEAH, RIGHT, COOTIES.

MOM, I CAN'T FIND MY TOOTHPASTE. I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING. ALL MY STUFF'S GONE.

IT'S NOT GONE. I PUT IT IN THE CABINET ON THE FLOOR. WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR ?

BECAUSE JACK'S TALLER, SO IT MAKES MORE SENSE FOR HIS STUFF TO BE UP IN THE MEDICINE CHEST.

BUT, MOM--

IT'S NOT GOING TO KILL YOU FOR YOUR TOOTHPASTE TO BE IN THE CABINET.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT FACE !

WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SOME ADJUSTMENTS AROUND HERE.

I'M THE ONE MAKING ALL THE ADJUSTMENTS.

WELL, I'M BEAT. GONNA TURN IN.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, BENNY.

OOPS. SORRY, I MEANT BEN. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, BEN.

OH, MOM, COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE ?

I'M SORRY.

BEN SAID THE THOUGHT OF US BEING IN THE SAME BED...