Two and a Half Men

'So, to make a long story short'

they say it's my fault for leaving the pistol

on the seat of the Jeep.

I say it's the general's fault for sitting on it.

But either way, I'm not allowed to have a gun for a while.

And a weary nation breathes a sigh of relief.

Yeah, yeah, terrific, um

so, they've got you workin' in the kitchen?

'Yeah, we call it the mess.'

'That corn's not gonna'

'cream itself, Harper!'

Uh, yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

Uh, gotta go back to work

defending our nation against terrorists and whatnot.

Take care of yourself, buddy.

Don't worry, dad.

I'm being all I can be.

Wow.

Yeah.

Seems like just yesterday

he was an adorable chubby-cheeked little boy

catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica.

Now he's a fuzz-faced buck private

catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.

Hey, guys. What do you think?

Oh, yummy.

You look like a maitre d'in heaven.

What's the occasion?

It's Zoey's birthday.

Oh, well, tell her happy birthday.

- What are you gonna give her? - The rest of my life.

Beg your pardon?

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

- Hello. - Are you serious?

Absolutely.

Wow, wow, that's, uh..

What he's trying to say is, once you're married

where's he gonna live?

No, stop, please.

No, I'm, what I'm trying to say is I-I-I think

it's wonderful and-and I'm very happy for you.

I figured, why not, you know?

I mean, I love her, I love her daughter.

Yeah, it's win-win for everybody.

Gonna miss ya.

Hey, I don't wanna get ahead of myself

but...I was hoping you'd be my best man.

Oh, uh...Walden

I-I-I'd be honored to be the best man at your wedding.

What's so funny?

You wouldn't be the best man

at the Dinah Shore Golf Classic.

Alright, you can be the maid of honor.

Okay, I gotta go.

Good luck with Zoey.

Oh, thanks, but I mean

come on.

How about that? The kid's getting married.

Yeah. Crazy, huh?

If I looked like him, I wouldn't take myself off the market.

- Is that so? - Oh, yeah.

I'd be out there every night

wearing my penis down to a nub.

It would look like a golf pencil.

Hey, a golf pencil does a lot of scoring, lady.

This is magnificent.

As are you.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Zoey..

...my life...is so much better with you in it.

Aw.

The first time I saw you..

...it was like..

...fireworks.

- Did you do-- - I did.

And when I hear your voice..

...it's like music.

Music.

Sorry.

God, Walden.

All this for my birthday?

Not just for your birthday.

You see, Zoey

when a man...loves a woman..

...he can't keep his mind on nothin' else.

Okay, I'm totally lost now.

He'd give up all his comforts..

...and sleep out in the rain

if she said that's the way it ought to be.

Wait, that's from some song.

No, no, not some song.

A great song.

Bolton, you're up.

Get up, get up.

Stop it.

Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce..

...will you do me the honor of becoming..

...Zoey Hyde-Tottingham Pierce Schmidt?

No. I'm sorry. I can't do it.

Zoey!

Shut up, Bolton!

So, after they get married

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Oh, Alan, don't be coy.

If you want to come live with me, just ask.

Can I come live with you?

No.

Oh, come on, mom, I'm gonna be homeless.

Once he marries her, I'm gonna be living on the street.

Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills

so I can visit you.

Does this guy belong to you?

Michael Bolton?

Hi, Alan.

Uh, y-yes, b-bring him in.

What happened?

She said no.

Oh, oh, Walden, I am so sorry.

When I proposed, she just ran out of the restaurant.

Now she won't return my calls

or e-mails or texts.

It's like she's ignorin' me

across the entire digital spectrum.

It's like she's Amish.

So...you went out drinking

and ended up picking up Michael Bolton?

No.

I hired him to sing while I was proposing.

I should've gone with Josh Groban.

Wait, you're gonna blame me for this?

I'm gonna call her again.

Oh, my stars, Michael Bolton.

I have a vibrator named after you.

Zoey, why won't you answer?

Was it something I did?

Was the ring not big enough?

- Was it Bolton? - Hey!

Okay.

Screw it, I just can't sit around here.

Come on, Bolton, let's go find her.

I'm not gonna go looking for your girlfriend.

Why don't you see if Groban's available?

Hey, I bought and paid for your ass until ten o'clock.

It's 10:01. So now you can kiss it.

Fine, I'll just drive myself.

Oh, no, no, hang on, hang on. You can't drive.

I-I-I'll take you.

See, you're a good friend.

You're dead to me.

I can't believe the things I do for money.

You won't believe the things I'll do for free.

I really, really think you ought to wait

till tomorrow to do this.

No, no.

- I need to know why. - Uh-uh, not a good idea.

See, i-it's like asking a woman why she won't sleep with you.

You always hope that it's 'cause you're too big

and you'll ruin her for other men.

But, no, it's usually 'cause she

sobered up and got a good look at you.

Oh, Walden. Ugh!

Ugh! That's the sound they make.

We need to talk.

Can we do this tomorrow?

Let me use a word that you're fond of.

"No."

Have you been drinking?

Let me use a word that you're not fond of.

Yes.

She's right, Walden. You can come back tomorrow.

No. I'm not leavin' until I get an answer.

Oh, Walden, please.

Zoey, I need an answer.

Oh, it's complicated.

No.

Peeing with morning wood is complicated.

True. That thing is like a Water Wiggle.

Once, I shorted out a light socket in the ceiling.

- I've done that. - Yeah.

Saying yes to someone who loves you

more than life itself

is not complicated.

Fine. Do you really want to know?

I really want to know.

Oh, hang on, hang on. Okay, okay.

This is a textbook example of

what I was talking about earlier.