Teachers

Caroline, you look like a country music star.

How'd you get those curls?

I slept sitting up with Coke cans in my hair,

but it was worth it. These pictures last forever.

Pictures?

Oh, my God. How could you forget about Picture Day?

I gave myself a colonic and full body exfoliation just to prepare.

What are you slathering yourself with?

Self tanner. It takes a while to set,

but by this afternoon, I will be

intriguingly ethnically ambiguous.

Dudes, my pic is gonna look jacked.

I haven't had my eyebrows done in three weeks.

You look naturally beautiful.

You look like a '70s vagina with eyes,

but don't worry.

I have an emergency waxing kit in my desk.

I can totally fix them.

Thanks.

Morning, ladies, you all look really nice.

Feldman.

I just wanted to stop by to tell you

that we've hired a new photographer this year,

Don LaRondasack. No more Geoff with a G.

Oh, but I liked Geoff with a G.

He always put me at ease.

I get really self-conscious having my picture taken.

Well, I'm sure this LaRondasack fellow

will be just fine.

He's got a firm hand-shake, looks like he works out,

nice smile.

Anyway, it's time to announce whose class gets the honor

of having their photo taken with our mascot, Millard.

He's not a mascot. He's an "ig-whuana,"

and he shouldn't be paraded around like a trophy

by the winning class each year. It makes me sick.

Well, I love it, and I really need a win.

This could turn my year around.

There's only so much Chardonnay and cough syrup can do.

The winner of the school spirit prize is...

Ms. Watson's class!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my...

Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Oh, my God, this is gonna change everything!

Easy, tiger. It's just a dumb iguana.

Nobody likes a sore loser, Deb, especially a winner,

and I am the winner! I am the winner!

I am the winner! I did it! Yeah!

In your face! In your face! In your face!

Oh, cool. I didn't think that you were gonna do me.

Yes! Oh, how you like me now? Oh, yeah! Yeah!

God, that stuff is making this whole room

smell like a sloppy sorority girl.

Thank you, but I can't wax you right now.

I'm in the middle of my own crisis.

I'm still not the right shade. I'm supposed to be Camel Taupe.

No, camel toe isn't a color, it's a shape.

Camel Taupe, with a "P"!

Oh.

I'm getting carpal tunnel

trying to deal with this streaky mess.

Oh, here, I'll help.

I'll do it everywhere so it all looks the same.

Just make sure it looks good.

Oh, don't worry, I got this.

I had to paint a rec center one summer

for community service.

There she goes.

Okay, Cinderella, do me a favor.

I want you to look at the birdie.

Where's the birdie?

That's not a birdie, that's my hand!

What? Come on.

Great job. Next!

Hi.

Hi. I just want to warn you

I get a little nervous when I have my picture taken.

Oh. Well, there's no need to worry.

Old Don's gonna make sure that you're very well taken care of.

All you gotta do is sit back and relax.

- Okay. - All right. Now, normally,

at this point, I would say, "Cheese,"

but you're not a mouse.

There it is.

Oh. What are you worried about?

You have a very captivating smile.

It's very nice.

You know what? Let's take another one,

all right? All right, this time, um...

just shake your jaw loose. Kind of give me a little...

There you go,

and while you're doing that, then just kind of...

Do that, push out your lips. Just...

Yeah, just like... like you're tasting something sour,

you know? Yeah, there you go.

Very nice, very nice. Um...

I don't know, arch your back maybe, just...

Yeah, I want you sitting up straight and tall,

very confident, very... strong.

There you go, arch that back.

Nice, now give me a little twist.

Maybe lower the shoulder a little bit. Yeah, that's it.

Don't... don't lose the lips.

Something sour. Mmm, what's going on?

I don't know, yeah, you nasty little slut.

Okay.

Great. Well done, very nice.

We're done here. Next.

You look like a baseball player. Am I right? Huh?

Blake?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Where did you get that shirt?

My mom sent it to me from Myrtle Beach.

Oh. So your mom and dad are still separated?

Yeah.

Your poor father.

He's such a nice, caring, perfect man.

It must be lonely for him...

and for you.

Is that what you wanted to talk about?

No. I'm just concerned

that only the first word on your shirt

will show in the photo, you know what I mean?

No.

I'll just call your dad and have him

bring you another shirt.

- I'll call... - I'll call him.

- I'll call him... - I'll call him.

Now I know for some of us, it's been

an emotionally exhausting year fraught with disappointment,

and we thought that getting our class picture taken

with Millard would finally get the pendulum

swinging in the other direction,

but sometimes you win and sometimes you lose,

and unfortunately, today, I have some sad news...

For the other classes... because we won!

Oh! oh!

We love you, Ms. Watson!

It's the best day of my life!

Millard!

Millard! Millard! Millard! Millard!

Millard! Millard!

Millard. Millard.

He's not doing anything.

Well, I think he's asleep.

Maybe you could wake him up, Rodney?

Maybe tap a little harder?

Millard's dead!

Oh. Oh. Okay.

I know for some of us, we thought that this was

going to pull us out of an emotional nose dive,

but Millard has passed away.

Has anyone ever had a pet die before?

David?

Pets don't die. My mom said

all of my hermit crabs went to the farm.

There's no farm, dummy. They're dead.

Rodney, that's enough.

David, I think it's really nice that your mom told you

there's a farm. It's a wonderful thought.

So there's no farm?

I didn't say that.

What are you gonna tell me next,

there's no Santa Claus?

Why are you taking so long to answer?

Poor Millard.

I know. I tried to talk to my students

about death, but then I ruined Christmas.

Just order them a pizza. This just in,

kids love pizza.

You could tell them about heaven,

but apparently, that's "illegal" in schools.

All I can say is, we better watch our backs.

Millard's number one.

What are you talking about?

Rule of threes.

Death always comes in threes.

- No, that's a myth. - Maybe you should celebrate.

Millard's life by having a ceremony.

That's a really good idea.

Hey, did the photographer say

anything inappropriate to any of you?

I haven't had my picture taken yet.

I still gotta deal with these mustaches over my eyes.

He was really nice to me. Is something wrong?

Yeah, you know what? There is.

I will not be treated like a piece of meat.

So where'd we land on the pizza?

Don? Do you have a minute?

Well, I'm here all day, so I've got 1,440 of them,

to be exact.

That's how many minutes are in a day.

- Yeah, I got that. - Okay.

I just want you to know...

I was not amused by what you said to me.

Ugh. The mouse joke, huh?

I know, I'm sorry.