The Simpsons

The Simpsons? Wha...!

D'oh!

Beer!

God, I love to watch that woman get beer.

You little...!

D'oh!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

They always come up with such catchy ways to make us pay

for things we don't need for kids we didn't want.

Wow-- the gym ropes are seaweed,

the basketball nets are fishing nets...

Yarr! Just plastic.

Which is healthier than what you find in the ocean.

Buy a Springfield Elementary T-shirt?

I don't want people to know my kids go to this lousy school.

We also have T-shirts from other schools.

Ooh!

We can wear those to the nice mall.

And now it's time for lights, camera, auction!

No cameras.

Ooh, first item up for bid is always a favorite,

lunch with Principal Skinner.

I'll just leave the food on your doorstep and ring the bell.

Moving on.

Next up for auction is this wonderful bench hand-crafted

by our second-grade class.

Don't buy it.

I bought one last year and it was crap construction.

Shh.

Do I hear $50?

Paddles down.

It's the only way to change the system.

Hello?

Calling from England?

Certainly I can put you on speakerphone.

I am Edith Knickertwist,

an eccentric widow.

For this masterpiece, I bid

$1,000.

Sold.

To the mysterious and unverified Mrs. Knickertwist.

Next item: our school band will play

at a function of your choice.

I bid $4,000.

Well, it looks like our model solar-system

will finally get an Earth.

And that concludes tonight's auction,

which has raised a school record $116,000.

And our windfall is all thanks

to our dear new friend on the phone.

'Allo, luvs!

Mm. I've got a bad feeling about this.

I'm Mrs. Knickertwist.

And I've had a proper hardy-har at your expense.

Why do I believe everything I hear in a British accent?

He has thrust upon us the motley of the tomfool.

I wore this all night for nothing?

Mr. Simpson, I know you're not one of our wealthier parents,

but surely you'll honor your son's enormous debt.

Why, of course.

Even if I don't have a legal obligation to pay,

it's clearly the right thing to do.

Here's $1,000,

$2,000, $3,000...

Oh, I need more cash.

Better go to my invisible ATM.

What? Two dollar charge for non-network bank?

- Oh! - Oh.

Skin-ner!

Yes, sir?

I was very pleased with your work last night.

Really?

Nope. Fooled again.

I'd say you're dumb as a post,

but at least you can put a sign on a post

that says "fresh strawberries-- one mile."

You are a nitwit in an ill-fitting suit.

I'll have you know I'm lop-shouldered.

I'm sorry, what did you say?

I said, I'm lop-shouldered.

And I have been since I was hung by my armpits

in a North Vietnamese prison.

I... I didn't know that.

Oh, the list of things you don't know could fill

a week's worth of morning announcements,

with enough left over for a send-home flyer.

There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.

If you think it's so easy to handle Bart Simpson,

why don't you do it yourself?

You tell him, Seymour.

As some guy said to some dude with a beard,

"Death to tyrants."

You mean Booth and Lincoln?

I'm not the history teacher.

Anymore.

Fine. I will personally take over Bart Simpson's education--

and for once, that boy's going to learn something.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm expecting an important call

and cell phone coverage in here is, uh, spotty.

Oh, nicely done, Seymour.

I guess there's some stones in your leaf bag after all.

While I'm on a roll, I'm gonna call

that carpet cleaning service

and tell them our hallway doesn't count as a room.

Hello, is André there?

Oh, yes, I'll hold.

I know I can superintend-- superintend like the wind--

but teach?

It's been years.

And we both know how that went, don't we, Gary?

So, you are the so-called Breakfast Club.

Wrong room. We're the Fight Club.

Thank God they never went on to do anything since.

So, Simpson, you'll be studying with me now.

Same garbage, different Dumpster.

We'll start with American history.

Now, I'm sure you know who these gentlemen are.

Dollar bill guy, five dollar bill guy,

sex guy, Will Ferrell, black guy.

Bart, what if I told you there was a president

who was an actual cowboy?

I'd act like I'm interested, but inside I'd be bored.

That's as good a place to start as any.

...great fundamental issue

now before our people...

...can be stated briefly.

It is, are the American people fit to govern themselves,

to rule themselves, to control themselves.

I believe they are. My opponents do not.

Hey, this Roosevelt guy was sort of interesting.

Did you know he was a colonel in the army?

You don't say.

And one time, during a speech, he was shot by a saloon-keeper,

but Teddy finished his speech before heading to the hospital.

Aha! I'm mad at you for some reason.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy...

I've never said this before, but I'd like to learn more.

Man, Teddy Roosevelt killed more Spaniards in one day

than most people do in their whole lives.

You know, I hate to say this, Bart,

but the library is about to close.

Really?

I wanted to learn more about trust busting.

Take that, Standard Oil.

Tomorrow, son. Tomorrow.

Well, I've learned a lot today.

Now, to go home and let TV slowly rot it all away.

Eh-eh-eh. Not so fast.

Teddy Roosevelt believed you could learn from books.

But he also believed you can learn

just as much from the out-of-doors.

I thought teachers only went outdoors to smoke and cry.

Yes.

Son, have you ever seen a horse your father wasn't betting on?

No, sir.

Come with me.

So, Bart, what have you learned so far?

Well, when horses poop, they don't stop.

They just keep walking. Yes, yes.

Well, here's another fun fact for you.

All around you is a national park

created by Teddy Roosevelt.

Mm!

Wow!

And here I thought God created all this.

Thanks for setting me straight.

Well, wait, I didn't mean that.

You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism.

And all these years, I thought I was unteachable.

Let's stop talking now.

"A man who is good enough to shed his blood for the country

is good enough to be given a square deal afterwards."

Just quoting our 26th president, Lise.

You could use a little T.R. in your life.

Please.

I went through my T.R. phase in first grade.

Now I realize that the greatest Roosevelt is Franklin.

Balderdash!

Teddy Roosevelt protected America's wildlife.

Yeah, so he could shoot it himself.

Franklin Roosevelt led this country

through the Depression and World War II.

Face on a dime!

Face on a mountain!

I hated the "Roosie-velts" and all them family dynasties.

The Kennedys, the Bushes, Jon Voigt and Angelina Jolie,

Mayor Daley and his smart-ass son, the Daily Show.

That's a lot of anger, Grampa.

Well, I like Stephen Colbert,

but that's because I don't get the joke.

And on July 1st, 1898,

Colonel Theodore Roosevelt and his band of Rough Riders

charged up San Juan Hill and liberated Cuba.

Cuba si! Castro no!

I love Teddy Roosevelt because he had asthma as a boy.

I love him because he said, "Bully."

The dude really knew

how to rock some jodhpurs.

Hey, maybe Chalmers would let you guys sit in on our lessons.

After me, men.