Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Fade in.

Exterior--night.

A dark, desolate prairie.

A lone cowboy sits on a sturdy horse,

gazing up at the moon.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky,

and a burning meteor plummets to the Earth.

Fade in.

Exterior-- night.

New York City, Hell's Kitchen.

A lone cop sits in a patrol car,

gazing up at the moon.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky,

and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth.

All right.

Now we're cooking.

Alan?

Mia?

I thought that was you.

What a nice surprise.

Uh, didn't you move back to New York with your husband?

We did, but then we split up, and I came back here.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I mean, not that you moved back here,

but that it didn't work out.

So, how's Charlie doing?

Oh, he's fine. Uh, actually,

he's engaged, if you can believe that.

You're kidding.

No, no, she moved in and everything.

Good for him. Hmm!

So, where are you living now?

What do you mean?

You know,

since Charlie's fiancée moved in, I assumed...

You look great, Alan.

Thank you-- you, too.

Please give Charlie my best. Uh, will do.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Fade in.

Interior-- coffee shop.

Night.

An unconventionally handsome man

pounds away at his lonely laptop,

writing the summer blockbuster that will lift him

from poverty and put him in a home of his own.

A beautiful woman crosses to him.

Their eyes meet.

Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky,

and a flaming meteor plummets to the Earth.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

But I was looking forward to having dinner with you.

All right, I'll see you later.

Yeah... love you, too.

"Love you, too."

Alan?

Yeah?

Smack your kid for me.

Should we really risk more brain damage?

Thanks for sticking up for me, Dad.

Oh, hey.

You'll never guess who I ran into.

Kobe Bryant?

No.

Lauren Conrad? No.

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?

What is wrong with you?

No, I ran into Mia at the coffee shop.

You're kidding.

No, uh, apparently, she's single again

and, uh, living in L.A.

What's wrong with you?

So...

Mia.

How did she look?

Oh, better than ever.

Damn.

What did she say?

Uh, she said to give you her best.

That's it?

Pretty much.

How did she say it? What do you mean?

I mean, was it perfunctory or was there subtext?

"Perfunctory."

That could be my rap name.

MC Perfunctory.

I don't know.

Um...

but I-I mentioned that you were engaged,

and, uh, she seemed happy for you.

You told her I was engaged?

Why the hell would you do that?

Because you are, in fact, engaged.

And she seemed happy about that?

Yeah, she said, "Good for him."

How did she say it?

Was it perfunctory?

Or were there subtitles?

I'm leaving.

And yet the memory of him lingers on.

Hey, Uncle Charlie. Yeah?

Love you. (smacks lips)

To think I fought for shared custody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so... so back to Mia.

Oh, don't tell me

you're still carrying a torch for her.

No, I'm not carrying a torch for her.

Why, do you think she's carrying a torch for me?

Charlie, you are engaged to a wonderful woman.

Just forget about Mia.

I had forgotten about her.

I had forgotten about her face...

her eyes...

her lips, her legs.

Oh, God, those legs.

You're the one who brought her up.

Sorry.

Look, I'm the last one to tell you

you can't have feelings for an old girlfriend.

I mean, I myself still have very strong feelings for Melissa.

Who's Melissa?

My receptionist.

Oh, right.

The one that caught you in bed with her mom.

Uh, you're leaving out a lot

of extenuating circumstances, but...

yes, she caught me rubbing against her mother.

And you want to compare that freak show

to what Mia and I had?

I almost married her.

All I'm saying is,

you can acknowledge your feelings for Mia

while still moving forward with Chelsea.

That's exactly what I intend to do.

Good. It is good.

You're thinking about sex with Mia, aren't you?

You're thinking about sex with Melissa, aren't you?

Trying to, but her mom keeps popping in.

* Men. *

Okay, okay.

I'm just going to come out and say it.

Baseball was better with steroids.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, this guy

is leading the league with 11 home runs.

Back in Sammy Sosa's day, that was a slow weekend.

Mm-hmm.

Call me crazy, but...

I think people would pay real money

to see a meat-covered robot hit a ball 750 feet.

Mmm...

Okay, well...

Sportscenter is over.

Time for sex.

Charlie, please, this report's due tomorrow.

All right.

I guess our relationship is getting to that mature,

evolved stage they talk about.

Guess so.

Terrific.

I hope I die soon.

What?

Love you.

Remember when you used to close the door

and tried to hit the porcelain

so I didn't have to hear you pee?

Yeah, way back when we used to have sex after Sportscenter.

Hello?

Uh, hang on.

Charlie, there's a woman named Mia on the phone.

Ow!

Should I take a message?

No, no, no.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Mia.

What a surprise.

Yeah, Alan mentioned he ran into you.

Old friend.

Yes, yes, you heard correctly.

I am engaged.

Thank you.

Yes, that was her.

Oh, she's terrific.

And how are you?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

And I'm sure you'll get out there

in that old dating pond and catch something.

You know, a-a-a fish, not a disease.

Anyway, thanks for the good wishes.

Bye-bye.

Okay, well, good night.

Old friend, huh?

Yeah.

She heard I was engaged

and wanted to congratulate me.

Sweet kid.

Is this the woman you almost married in Vegas