Community

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Frankie, are you awake?

I'm in bed, but I only rest half my brain at a time. Go!

Greendale in jeopardy.

Need to call emergency meeting, ASAP, no time to explain.

I can be at the school in 30 minutes, and I'll have the Dean notify the others.

- Could you notify the others? - You don't think the Dean can handle it?

Do what you think is best.

Annie Edison requesting emergency meeting at school in 30. Greendale in trouble.

- I'll notify the others. - I can do that if you like.

I think I can handle notifying others, thank you very much.

Annie, Jeffrey, emergency meeting at the school in 30 minutes.

I already know. I'm the one calling the meeting.

- What up, yo? - Who is this other number?

It's a group text. I'm texting you and Jeffrey.

It's me. I am Jeffrey, best friend of Dean.

Hi, Jeffrey. Hm.

Dean, that number is not in my phone as Jeff's,

and it doesn't even look like an American phone number.

Oh, my God. How stupid can I get?

You never told me you gave Annie a fake phone number.

Yes, Dean, this is me, Jeffrey, you are best friend.

Hold on, I'll cover.

You're right, I had the wrong number, see you at the school.

I am so sorry, Jeffrey. I hope I didn't get you in trouble.

No worries, Dean. I love you.

You're always so sweet, when we're texting, but then in real life.

Bro, I just secret that way with love. You know, my style.

We keep loving in text, but then secret forever.

Meow.

Oh, hm.

Meow.

Annie, if you're not dying, I'm gonna murder you.

I had to remove my night cream, it's $200 an ounce.

It's 3 A.M. in the fricking morning, Edison,

what gives you the right to haul us in here?

Chang, how did you even find out about this?

I have a right to be here.

Hi!

Why are you awake?

I have a theory about this, Britta may be secretly twins.

- No, I was working. - At the bar? Does that mean you're drunk?

Could a drunk person do this?

Hi, everybody.

Jeffrey.

Okay, 41 minutes ago, I received this email from a friend that interns at KZBC.

The TV station?

No, the unrelated, totally random combination of those four letters.

Meow.

Subject: "Heads up." Annie, still going to Greendale?

Thought you should know,

City College is running a negative ad about your school at 7 A.M.

Heard it's pretty bad.

Let me see that. City College is running an attack ad?

That's a first.

They're getting desperate. Our registration numbers are trending upward.

Because the population keeps growing, and no one here ever graduates.

Actually, our numbers are up because of improvements Frankie's made.

Those improvements, were only possible through your hard work, Annie.

Oh, get a boardroom.

Interesting.

When were you gonna share the whole truth about this,

- and not just the parts that suit you? - What?

"PS: I was glad to hear Brenda's doing better."

Ha? Ha?

Just because City College is scared, doesn't mean they're not dangerous.

Is there anything in particular they could smear us with?

Nothing in particular, just overlapping clouds of many thousands

and thousands of things.

- Let's not forget the Brenda factor. - There isn't a Brenda factor.

He says she's doing better. Better than what?

Her thyroid condition! Can you focus?

Can Brenda?

Probably more so, now.

Okay, we need to see this ad before it airs.

I'm working on getting us a copy.

I have friends in the AV department at City College.

Ooh la la.

The brotherhood of AV exists beyond your petty factionalism.

We serve only video, the one true queen, and her faithful consort, audio.

Oh, could you guys be bigger nerds?

No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.

Well, Annie's right.

We do have a situation here, so we will make this our situation room.

Yes.

We need whiteboards, corkboards, laptops.

A bunch of clocks with different times on them, a red phone,

a big tabletop map with little Nazi tanks, and/or a Godzilla.

The ad airs at 7 A.M.

That means we have four hours and 13 minutes

to figure out what they're throwing at us and how to respond.

You know, it's the darndest thing,

I think Britta somehow crapped in my pants too.

Uh-huh, better head home.

Jeff, you can't just leave a situation room.

It's only a situation room, because she called it that.

I mean I could declare it a...

Cookie room!

There are no cookies. There is a situation.

You guys, where's the Greendale spirit! Where's the pride?

- I'm fine. - Found it.

She was wandering around campus, without pants.

- What's going on in here? - Situation room.

- What's the situation? - Brenda's got a bad thyroid.

I'm sorry to hear that. You can keep the pants.

- I'm going back to bed. - I'm going with him.

- I'm gonna watch. - Got it!

Downloading it now.

You work hard to earn your degree,

and your school should work hard to make that degree valuable.

So, why is Greendale Community College giving degrees to dogs?

In 2001, a Staffordshire terrier mix named Ruffles took up

residence on Greendale's campus.

By 2008, Ruffles had earned a Bachelor's Degree.

Not a two year degree, a four year degree.

Where will you get your degree?

If the answer is Greendale, prepare to get boned.

Paid for by City College, license 264392.

Did we give a degree to a dog?

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Okay, it's okay, it's all right.

So, this is Greendale, not City College?

I'm gonna get more pants.

They've been calling me in to do more stuff lately. It's pretty exciting.

Well trust me, we'll be lucky if we get in three words before...

The first step is to pull our facts. The most important one being, Dean Pelton.

Did Greendale Community College give a degree to a dog?

I seem to recall, no.

No way. There's absolutely no way.

Not that dog.

- That dog? - You remember the dog.

- Was it enrolled in classes? - Hm.

How are these hard questions?

Why, are these the questions you're asking?

You don't wanna know, if a dog got a degree here?

It's not important.

What I wanna know is, did a dog get a degree here, in any way that can be proven?

Ooh, I like that, Jeffrey.

I don't like that! I like the truth.

Play lawyer on your own time.

This is my own time. You wanted me invested?

Well, this dump cuts my paychecks, and I've got three hours to defend it.

So, how many seconds of that should I waste on truth,

which is an artificial construct that rarely holds up in court,

and has never changed the outcome of a fight.

- I'm sorry you have to see him like this. - Well, he is right about one thing,

if City College can't support their claim, it's libel, we can have

the station pull the ad, but that is precisely why the truth does matter.

- The Brenda paradox. - I found the dog.

I also found a lot of people's social security numbers.

You know, this incident's gone to far.

Yeah.

This says she's registered as a border terrier.

- They said Staffordshire in the commercial. - Isn't that something?

I mean we've known this animal 30 seconds and she's already unreliable.

Who is the real Ruffles?

I'm sorry. Our strategy is to go after the dog?

Our strategy is denial, which includes discrediting the source.

Aben, can you make one of those attack ads?

Jeff wants me to make me an attack ad. So, why is he a pedophile?

- Just demonstrating the formula. - You can refine your technique as you go.

I wanna know everything about this Ruffles, she thinks she went to this school, fine.

But, maybe she thinks cat turds are delicious.

And maybe she barks just a little bit more, at black mailmen.

And she's spayed now, but how many puppies are out there?

If you do this, we're no better than City College.

We've never been better than City College. We gave a degree to a dog.

Allegedly, this conversation is privileged.

I could do a Banksy style stencil of a dog, and spray paint it all over a school.

That sounds great!

But first, why don't you go get a bunch of coffee,

drink all of it, then go get some more and bring it back here.

I actually love that idea.

- Mm-hm. - I'll go with her.

She's wearing my pants.

I know this is crazy, but I'm gonna check the school records to see if,

you know, we gave a degree to a dog.

- We didn't. - That's good.

You guys go find that truth you love so much.

If it's the kind we can use, bring it back.

If not, you know, stuff gets lost.

No. No. Bad! We are better than City College.

We always have been.

Which is why I know, that we did not give a degree to a dog.

Oh.

I say we fight fire with fire.

City College try to embarrass us? We should embarrass them, right?

Right.

I say I go to City College with a camera,

shoot a really gross porno movie on their campus and put it online.

- Fine. - Cool.

Wait, what?

It's very inspiring to watch you work.

You are inspiring, too.

In what way?

I need olives, can you bring me olives?

Not again. You did this a month ago.

Then I brought them to you, and you acted like you hated them.

It's only my style to be secret, please bring me five can of olives.

Five cans?