The Catherine Tate Show

Three double cheeseburgers, three large fries,

one special salad and three Diet Cokes. And would you like a dessert with that?

- Um... - You get a free dessert

'cause you spent over £10, is it?

Actually, I think that's fine. Thank you.

Have you got everything from your server that you asked for?

- Sorry, everything that I... - Asked for.

Is it that you got everything from your server that you asked for?

Um, yeah, thank you.

But is this the best that you ever been served in a burger bar?

I'm sorry?

Is it that that I am the best server you have ever seen in a burger bar?

Well, you're certainly very efficient.

Employee of the month, though.

Well, that's a great achievement. I'm gonna go now.

- Are you employee of the month, though? - Uh, no, I'm not.

So, you've never been employee of the month, then?

I'm afraid my firm of lawyers don't have employee of the month.

Well, shut up, then.

Can I...

What are you doing?

- What? - You work in a burger bar.

- No, I don't. - That is well bad.

- I don't work here, though. - But you're standing behind the counter.

Yeah, well, I got bored waiting for my order.

- So, why are you in that uniform? - Right, this ain't a uniform.

- Why are you wearing it, then? - I ain't wearing it.

- But it says your name on it. - That ain't my name.

- It says, "Lauren." - No, it don't.

"Welcome to Billy's Burger Bar. My name is Lauren."

- Are you laughing at me? - Yeah, man.

-Right. Do you think it's funny? -Yeah, it's well funny.

- Do you wash cars for a living? - What?

- Do you wash cars for 3.50 an hour? - Shut up.

Are your best mates at work all from Poland?

You are employee of the month, though.

- No, I ain't, though. - But that is your photograph, mate.

- Uh, no, it ain't. - That is well bad.

You're gonna sell burgers for the rest of your life.

- Are you saying I'm fat? - No, I'm just saying...

- Are you saying I should be American? - No, I'm not. I'm...

- Am I a big, fat Yank, though? - No, you're not.

- Are you calling my mum a lardarse? - No, I'm not.

Are you saying they need a crane to get my dad out of bed?

Are you saying I've got dinner-lady arms?

Lauren, it's 1:00.

Lauren, it's Billy Burger Hour. Come on.

Billy Burger mask. That is sick.

Am I bovvered?

- Am I bovvered, though? - No, but...

I ain't even bovvered.

- I ain't even bovvered, though. - Yeah, but...

-Look at my face. Look at my face. Just...

Look at my face.

Yeah, but... - Does it look bovvered?

No, it looks like Billy Burger.

- Are you calling me Billy Burger? - But you are Billy Burger.

- No, I ain't Billy Burger. - But that is Billy Burger.

- That ain't Billy Burger. - It is, though.

- It ain't, though. - It is, though.

It ain't Billy Burger!

You do look like him, though.

Right, face, bovvered.

- Am I bovvered, though? - No, I'm just saying...

I ain't bovvered. Look at my face. Look at my face.

- Billy Burger, face. - No, listen...

No, I ain't even bovvered. Polish. Carwash. Lardarse.

Face, bovvered.

Can I have a double cheeseburger, please?

Do you want fries with that?

Now, remember what Daddy told you about sports day.

That taking part is everything.

To win with dignity

and lose with pride in the knowledge that you did your absolute best.

Remember, whatever happens here today,

Mummy and Daddy are immensely proud of you.

Thank you, Mummy.

Okay, darlings, now, it's nearly time.

In lane one, Chloe Taylor-Thomas.

In lane two, Thomas Taylor-Thomas.

In three, Imogene Fitzroy-Ferguson.

In lane four, Fergus Fitzroy-Ferguson.

In lane five, Amelia Harvey-Henry.

And in lane six, Henry Harvey-Henry.

On your marks.

Get set.

Go!

No!

It's the eggs!

They're not organic!

And I said to her, "Don't think I don't know

"about your Tommy's extended sick leave, either.

"Repetitive strain injury, my eye.

"It's the drink that's his problem, so it is,

- "and don't think we don't know it." - So it is.

She says to me, "Don't you dare talk about my Tommy like that."

I said to her, "I'll talk about your Tommy however I like",

"so help me God. The lazy, good for nothing, lowlife, skiving drunk."

- Isn't that the truth? - And then she had the audacity

- to call me a liar. - Mummy.

Did you get any work today, son?

Aye, I picked up a bit of hod carrying down at the quarry.

Good man. Me, a liar? I said to her, "Who do you think you are,

- "hurling insults around like that?" - Mummy.

I've done you bacon and potatoes for your tea.

I said to her, "There's only one liar around here,

"and that's you, and that's no lie."

- You told her that? - Indeed I did.

Mummy, I need to speak to you.

Have you been fighting with the McVie brothers again, Johnny?

- Have you? - No, it's not that.

Have you been joyriding around this estate?

'Cause if you have, your feet will not touch the ground.

No, Mummy.

Have you gotten Mary McCatherty's daughter into trouble?

Mummy, please, if you'd just listen...

Well, would you spit it out, son? What's the matter with you?

I'm gay.

I'm a gay man.

You're a what?

I'm a gay man now, Mummy.

Are you sure?

Aye.

Great. I have a new pencil skirt upstairs.

Come on and see if I've got the hips for it.

A gay man now.

What a godsend!

Oh, God.

- Is that you, darling? - Yeah.

- Did they get off all right? - All packed up and ready to go.

Oh, I will miss them.

That's the last of them now, innit?

Poor Lena died last year.

Don't see old Kate since she went to live with her daughter.

And now they've carted poor Tommy and Dolly off to the nut house.

Nan, it's not a nut house, it's sheltered accommodation.

Call it what you like, love.

They'll still be splashing about in their own piddle come teatime.

Well, at least they've not split them up.

Well, you can't split up twins, darling.

Tommy and Dolly Mostow lived together for 60-odd years.

- Are they inseparable? - No, they ain't Siamese.

I mean, that is dreadful, that, though, innit, eh?

I mean, when they're joined at the hip, they got half a chance,

but when it's one great, walloping head and two bodies hanging off it...

You don't know where to look.

All right, Nan.

No, no, I see a programme about it on the telly.

American pair, they are. One of them rolls about on a trolley,

the other one's a country and western singer.

I mean, fair's fair. I'm all for the Special Olympics,

but they ain't gotta make fucking records, have they?

Nan, I didn't mean that. I meant, are they close?

They're stuck together at the head. How close do you want them?

I meant Dolly and Tommy.

Oh, what? Oh, yeah. Oh, they're devoted to each other, darling.

They never lived more than 10 minutes apart, even when they were married.

Oh, we have had some laughs over the years, though. I know that much.

During the war, we was all evacuated together down to Wiltshire.

We ended up in a lovely old farmhouse with a big dung heap out the back.

Oh, she was a beast, though, the woman who looked after us.

She made us leave our shoes at the door.

I'll never forget the first letter

Dolly and Tommy wrote home.

It said, "Mother, get us on the first train out of here."

"She won't let us wear shoes in the house,"

"and there's a big pile of shit in the garden."

Oh, that was one I didn't want.

Nan.

Oh, well, ta-ra, Tom, ta-ra, Doll.

That's the end of an era, that is. Oh, I'm all on me own now, ain't I?

Oh, Nan, I nearly forgot. They asked me to give you this.

- What is it? - A little present.

Oh, they didn't have to do that.

Oh, ain't that kind of them? Oh, I weren't expecting that.

Oh, that's choked me up, that has.

Well, look at that, eh. That's cost a few quid, innit?

It's a wooden squirrel.

It's a wooden fucking squirrel.

Seventy years I've known them,

and they got a lump of wood and made a squirrel out of it.

What a fucking liberty!

Look, there's an inscription.

"Some people come into our lives and go quickly."

"Others stay a while, leave their footprints on our heart"

"and we are never, ever the same."

Oh, they want shooting, they really do.

Nan, Dolly and Tommy don't have much, but they still wanted to buy you this.

It might not be a lot, but it's a token of their gratitude

for all the years of friendship and good times you had together.

It's a fucking squirrel!

Oi, Mostows.

Yeah, both of you.

Take your friendship, take your good times,

take your fucking squirrel and shove it up your twin arses!

Oh, these shoes are tight.

No, it's okay. It's fine.

Yeah, look, I'll speak to you Monday. Okay. Bye.

- Damn, that is so annoying. - What's up?

Well, I'm supposed to be playing tennis tomorrow