Scream Queens

You have to come.

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period all over yourself?

This isn't my blood.

Holy crap!

Who told you you could have a baby here tonight?

Guys, I'm so sorry.

Obviously, I'm as upset

as anyone about this.

I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade.

I don't care if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you to the front door

without everyone seeing you all gross

and postpartum?

No one wants to see that at a party.

Right. Of course. Uh...

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

I just thought it was the freshman 15.

I thought I was having a bread baby.

You are officially the worst

Kappa pledge of all time.

Okay, we have to get her help.

You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls."

Is that a baby? Amazing.

Look, this is our song.

TLC!

I am not missing "Waterfalls"

for this.

"Waterfalls" is my jam.

We can't just leave her.

We'll be back after this song.

Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

Kappa!

You guys, I'm such a good babysitter.

I brought you some Bartles and Jaymes.

What the hell?

What's wrong with her? She looks awful.

She's dead.

How do you know she's dead?

Because her eyes are stuck open. (sniffles)

I tried to touch one, but she didn't move.

Dude, that is so gross.

I can't even wear contact lenses because

that freaks me out so much.

She's dead.

Okay? What the hell are we gonna do?

Good morning, slits.

Good morning, Chanel.

My name is Chanel Oberlin,

and I am the queen of Kappa Kappa Tau.

No.

No.

No.

These are my minions.

I don't know their names.

I don't want to know their names.

They're known as...

Chanel #2.

Chanel #3.

Chanel #5.

I'm Chanel #1, obvi.

There was a Chanel #4, but she got meningitis.

She was like, "I'm sick. I have to go home."

And I was like, "No. Stay."

But she went home anyway, and then she died.

So another thing I was right about.

I'll see you ladies in bio.

I have a colonic at 10:00.

A lot of people talk smack about how sororities

are exclusive and they're a class system.

Well, guess what.

Life is a class system.

And a sorority is the one place left in the world

where you get to pick and choose the people around you.

That obese specimen of human filth scrubbing bulimia vomit

out of the carpet is Ms. Bean. I call her White Mammy

because she's essentially a house slave.

Watch this.

Excuse me, White Mammy.

You're not allowed to call me that.

Sorry. I have a question. And it's just a hypothetical.

If I asked you

if you knew somethin' 'bout birthin' babies

or if you didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies...

what would you say?

I'd say I don't know.

Don't know...?

I don't know nothin'

'bout birthin' no babies.

Amazing. Thank you.

Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.

Let's make that a priority.

The things you say are hilarious

- and poignant. - Thank you.

Yeah, you have an amazing skill at telling people

what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did I ask you to pull down my panties

and blow a compliment up my butt?

Nobody likes a suck-up, Chanel #5.

Oh, Ms. Chanel, I almost forgot.

The Dean of Students called, and she needs to see you right away.

I'm gonna be honest.

I hate sororities, and I hate you.

For years, I've seen the damage

these so-called sisterhoods have had on young girls.

Do you think you like to munch box

because your last name is Munsch,

or is that just a coincidence?

First of all, I'm not a lesbian.

Second, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

You see, out in the real world,

people just don't talk that way to other people.

It's not normal.

Now, I'm not sure you're aware,

but I'm no longer Associate Dean.

After Dean Reynolds' unfortunate passing over the summer,

I was promoted to her position.

Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

Yes. I snuck into the home of my 80-year-old colleague

of 20 years and dropped a transistor radio in her bathtub

so I could get a five percent raise.

Take your glasses off.

Now, Dean Reynolds' oversight of Greek life

at this school was so negligent that it bordered on criminal.

And Kappa is the source of rampant reports of alcoholism,

prescription drug abuse, racism,

as well as allegations of bestiality...

No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got.

That's on him.

But all of it is like children

playing in a sandbox compared to the horrors

that occurred at Kappa last spring.

This is the final police report on the assault

on your presidential predecessor at Kappa, Melanie Dorkess.

That girl was a bitch who thought she was all that

because her family founded the Olive Garden

and she had no gag reflex.

My main problem with you, Chanel, is that you're short.

And, historically, short people are sneaky backstabbers,

like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

I asked, but the dry cleaner said

they couldn't rush the clothes.

I'm so sorry.

I'm not finished.

I could actually handle

that you're built like a Thai lady boy,

but what I can't stand

is that you think you're my heir apparent.

The Greek system is under fire all over the country.

The next president of this house has to be willing

to dance with the devil himself

to keep this thing of ours going.

And, baby, you ain't got it.

I'm sorry, Chanel.

You are no longer invited on my plane

down to Punta Mita for spring break.

No. Please don't do this to me.

Don't you want me to spray-tan you?

I have it all ready.

No, Chanel. I would honestly rather not have you around.

Okay. Someone turn me into Jada Pinkett Smith.

The police still can't figure out

who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.

You know what I think?

I think you did it.

I think you knew

that with her out of the way,

Kappa would be yours for the taking.

I'm flattered.

But like the final police report says,

the manufacturer of said spray tan

settled with Melanie out of court.

It's good enough for me, and the D.A.,

who, last I heard, considers the case closed.

This is personal for me, Chanel.

You represent everything that is wrong

with young girls nowadays, and I'm gonna take you

and that so-called kingdom

you call a sorority down,

and I'm gonna start by revoking its charter.

Uh... Chanel, I can take it

from here.

Gigi Caldwell. Hi.

Hi, hi, hi. I'm president of the national chapter

of Kappa Kappa Tau.

What is that skirt?

Uh, it's Forenza.

Yeah.

So, um... you can't revoke our charter.

I'm so sorry.

That'll be up to the board of trustees.