American Dad!

So there I am, Staples parking lot is full.

I'm talking zero open spots.

Game over, right? No graft paper for Stan?

Well, I see a woman by a minivan.

Is she loading her kid in or taking him out?

20 minutes later, the person next to her pulls out,

and that's how I came to find my parking spot at Staples.

Is it over? Is the story actually over?

Yes.

Okay, then I have a sick story.

You know that machine gun I found on the roof?

But with an interesting addendum.

When I came out of Staples, the minivan was gone.

Honey, when you say your story's over,

it's not fair to keep going.

What's going on?

I take 20 minutes of my time,

give you a solid-gold parking-lot story

and your jaws aren't on the floor?

Your stories are boring, Dad.

You're boring.

Ouch. I get it.

You didn't like hearing that story,

but you're gonna love seeing it in pictures.

I actually took a photo of that parking spot.

You guys are gonna go bonkers over this.

I can't build this up enough.

You're in luck.

I must have accidentally hit the burst mode

and taken thousands of photos.

You guys hate my stories this much?

But I was just getting to the Shyamalanian twist.

Turns out it was a CVS parking lot...

and I wasn't allowed to park there.

Where did it go? I can't see it.

I can't see it!

There it is.

Don't you see how hurtful this is to me, Steve?

Aah!

Can you believe that?

My family would rather hide under the house

and get tased over and over than listen to my stories.

That's ridiculous.

I tell great stories, right?

Oh, yeah, top notch.

Dick, did you just deafen yourself to avoid listening to my story?

Uh... I had Thai yesterday.

How about Mexican?

Hey, Stan. Bullock needs to see you.

And I need to see you.

What did I tell you about shooting my trash cans?

Sorry, janitor.

Smith.

I'm just getting ready for my vacation off the coast

on Central America to Headonism III.

Sweet, flying solo to an island full of swingers.

Hell yeah!

The grippin' and the slurpin'.

The grippin' and the slurpin'.

Yeah, yeah, get it!

Get it!

Uh!

Now, I'll need you to do me a favor while I'm gone.

I need you to teach my class at the C.I.A. Academy.

Although, it won't be easy.

My students are quite fond of me.

They call me Professor X.

Because you look exactly like...

Because I'm always trying to sell them Ecstasy.

Thanks for saving me an extra-dry hot dog, Chet.

- Get ready. - Aw, here we come.

- Prepare yourself for greatness. - Yo, yo, yo.

- What's that? - Check it out.

Your style's weak. Your arms are whack.

Only good thing about you is your sister's rack.

Oh, got him!

Oh, yeah, he did.

- Oh, he brought it. - Yeah.

You hooked up with my sister and I ain't even pissed

because that's my sloppy seconds, bro.

I taught her how to kiss.

Damn! Bringing the pain!

- Oh! - That's hot!

Burned him!

This guy kissed his sister and thinks he's all manly.

Well, guess what? I've banged everybody in my family.

This dragon is spitting fire!

- Murdered him! - Bring it, dawg. Bring it.

- It's Juicy Lou. - The King of Rap!

Sweet, I found a triple-A battery in my hot dog.

I watched that whole battle and one of you really impressed me.

Not you two, you're terrible.

I'm talking about the fish.

But I didn't hip-hop.

In fact, I was just about to file a racially charged noise complaint.

Oh, you're no rapper, but you've got what it takes

to be a great hype man.

A what?

Every MC has a hype man, someone to cheer them on,

pump up the crowd and guess what?

I got a concert at the Shark's Nest tonight.

Are you asking for a ride?

Hell no. I got tons of cars.

I'm giving you the opportunity of a lifetime,

the chance to be my hype man.

- I'll do it! - Great.

Now that that's settled, I actually do need a ride.

I got mad cars, but I also got mad DUls.

All we ask is you do your best to inspire our future agents.

I don't know if this is a good fit for me.

People don't really like to listen to me talk.

Tell me, Agent Smith, how old are you?

- 65? 70? - I'm 40.

My point is I'm 73

and I'm the most jacked man at the academy.

Go ahead, try to fit your hand around my arm.

Come on, try. Boom!

How often do you think I work out?

I don't know, a lot?

The answer is never, not a day in my life.

I willed my body to look like this.

That's how powerful I am.

Never forget that.

Anyway, this is your class.

Don't let us down.

I can carry those huge bags of dog food like they're nothing.

Hey, guys, I'm gonna be teaching your class for a few days.

Not sure what I'm supposed to say or how to make it interesting,

so I'm just gonna pop in "Spy Kids 3D."

For what it's worth, my favorite character is Juni.

Just to be clear, how do you spell Juni?

A great and controversial question.

It appears one way in the credits

and another on the Wiki page,

of which I am the sole contributor.

- Wait, what are you doing? - Taking notes.

- Are you making fun of me? - No.

I'm just assuming anything you say could be on the test

and we need to know.

Um, yes.

Everything I say is super important.

Back to "Spy Kids 3D," how about the casting?

Carla Gugino, Cheech Marin, and peep this, Monkaphiliacs,

it's your boy Tony Tony Tony Shalhoub!

Can you repeat the list?

I want to make sure I didn't miss any.

They're hanging on my every word.

I feel so alive.

"I'll be back to teach tomorrow.

I got kicked out for not jerking it in the steam room."

Damn it. I can't lose my class.

Come on, fish. It's time to get them hyped.

But I don't know what I'm doing!

I'm just a guy who likes to eat at 7-11

and read the pornography there until I'm asked to stop.

You got this. Just follow your instincts. Trust me.

Make some noise if you high as right now!

Don't worry, gang.

I've been kicked out of better sex resorts than this one.

Well, if not better, at least worst.

Hi, gentlemen, all aboard.

That's right, your ferryman has an unexpected

effeminate Southern accent.

Now, don't be shy, y'all.

The last one up the gangplank is a rotten egg.

That was the only ferry off the island.

We're trapped!

We're trapped.

Good news, class, from here on out, I'll be your teacher indefinitely.

Will you be holding office hours?

Definitely.

Sorry, got stuck in third gear there.

Office hours are from 5:00 to 7:00.

Damn, can't quite seem to shake it.

Where the hell did I get this?

Okay, everyone, take 5.

Okay, for real,

what's happening to me?

I am legitimately terrified.

I think this might be a gluten thing.

What is the perfect temperature to set your home thermostat to?

74 degrees!

Texas, what was the best thing that happened to me last week?

Sir, you watched "Addams Family Values"

from start to finish at Best Buy, sir!

Stop right there.

What kind of mashugana curriculum is being taught here? Opa!

And who, goddamnit, who are you?

Mrs. Weinsteinopolis. Half-Greek, half-Jewish,

all overprotective mother to my son, Demetri, here.

Mom, we talked about boundaries.

And I told you my heart knows none.

Okay, everyone is dismissed

except for Mrs. Weinsteinopolis.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm doing the only thing I know how to do

and that's love the boy I've brainwashed

into believing he's my son with all my heart,

so you better start teaching what's-his-face for real.

Spanako-peeta?