100 Questions

Don't touch.

You already broke my zen rake.

I am so sorry.

I just needed to see if it came apart.

I don't know why.

Aw, is that your husband?

You're assuming a lot there, girl.

I'm sorry, boy.

Uh-uh. - I won't do that.

I'm not gonna do that.

So you think a gay man can't have male friends?

No, I didn't mean that.

That's my best friend...

With benefits.

Oh. Sounds like an interesting friendship.

Sounds like I need to ask you the next question.

Are you open-minded?

Well, to answer that I'm gonna have to tell a story

About my friends, without benefits.

Ain't nothing to it but to do it.

Sorry. Does that mean "begin"?

Begin. - Okay.

Well, it's been a heck of a day.

Let's pack it in.

I get the feeling you want me to leave.

No, not at all. Nighty-night. Home safe.

Hello. - Oh, boy.

Charlotte, you should be happy to see me.

Why? - Because I'm fun.

Ladies. - wayne now.

I need milk for cereal.

Do you have any cereal?

Guys, really, you need to leave.

I'm going out. - I knew it.

Those are your going-out lips.

Those lips do say, "where's the party?"

Oh, do you have a date?

Hey, charlotte, are you ready?

Ew. Are you going on a date with mike?

I mean, are you going on a date with mike?

No, she's coming to meet a girl I'm seeing.

Are you hiding another girlfriend from us?

Yes, I am. - Charlotte.

Well, you guys weren't invited,

And I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

oh, I, on the other hand,

Don't care about your feelings.

charlotte, let's go.

Hey, that's not fair.

Even my kindergarteners know when they have a party,

They have to invite everyone.

You want to know what's not fair?

You and leslie pecking away

Until you find a flaw with every girl

I've ever introduced you to.

Name one time we did that.

Kristy silva. - Sarah taylor.

Jessica rosen. - Okay.

Why can't I come?

Because I say to them,

"this is my friend wayne," and then they say,

"mike, would you give wayne and I some privacy?"

Name one time that happened.

Kristy silva. - Sarah taylor.

Jessica rosen.

Look, guys, I really like kate.

Kate?

See, that's why charlotte's

The only person who gets to meet her.

Because she doesn't judge.

The way I don't judge her trampy lips

And her weird vest.

Shall we?

Is that her? - No. No.

Is that her? - No!

Is that... Wayne, jill, and leslie?

Please, god, no.

Hey, buddy.

Did you follow us?

No. - Yes.

Okay, listen, you guys have to leave.

You have to leave right now.

is that her?

No, charlotte. Yeah, that's her!

That's her. Okay. Um...

Um, you two can stay long enough to say hi.

That's it. And you...

You have to turn off the charm.

Like a computer. You got to put it in sleep mode.

I can do that.

Activate sleep mode.

God, that is amazing.

Mike. - Kate. Hey.

Um, kate, this is jill and leslie.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming.

So your name is kate?

They have to leave

Because they're paramedics, and they just got a call.

But it was really nice to meet you.

A pleasure.

What was her problem?

This is wayne.

Hello.

And I'm charlotte. It's wonderful to meet you.

Finally, the charlotte payne.

Mike goes on and on about you.

He goes on and on about you too.

I'm an "on and on" - er.

I go on and on. I tend to-

I'm doing it right now. I just...

I don't know when to- - stop.

Okay.

So what is this? Art?

Um, yes, I'm an artist.

I'll be the judge of that.

Um, kate, should we go and get some champagne?

All right. - Yeah.

Wayne. - Yeah?

Do you think maybe you could find a nice balance

Between turning off the charm and just being rude?

Okay, if that's a gamble you want to take,

But the charm is pretty strong in me, buddy.

Damn it, it is.

Why would anyone look at art

When they could look at shoes?

Leslie, mike did look happy.

Maybe we should give kate a chance.

No, we shouldn't.

Okay.

Look at these boots.

They're so beautiful.

They would look really cute with jeans.

Or a dress. Or a skirt.

Or shorts.

I want them.

You need to have them. You should buy them.

Buy them right now.

is that the price?

Or the number you have to call to get the price?

That's the price. I can't afford those.

Leslie, those boots would make you a better person.

They'd fill that hole in your soul

That jeffrey tore open when he dumped you

And married that other woman.

You're hurting my feelings.

Because I want you to have the boots.

I'm getting them.

You're not seriously getting them, are you?

Okay.

I mean, I guess I initially moved here to get away

From my family, who can be a bit crazy.

Me too.

cheese puffs!

I love things with cheese. - Me too.

I knew kate and charlotte would like each other.

They're both so sophisticated.

I think I could kill someone for cheese fries.

Well, that's the real reason I had to leave England.

I can see why mike likes you.

I'm so happy you two met.

Yeah. Me too.

God, sleep mode is so relaxing.

Guys don't want to be my friend.

Girls aren't hovering.

Mike, your life must be so easy.

And then kate said that you said she was funny.

Well, she is.

and then kate said

That you both like cheese and candy.

What are the odds of that?

Everyone loves cheese and candy.

Oh, and wayne, you know what kate said about you?

Nothing.

Sleep mode is a powerful tool.

Whoa, that's my sandwich.

I can't afford my own.

I'm saving for boots.

Good for you. I mean, they're nice,

But they could definitely be bigger.

Boots.

Boots with a "t."

Shoes.

Hello.

kate.

Kate! - Oh, that sounds great.

That sounds great. - What sounds great?

I'd love to. - You'd love to what?

Okay. I'll see you there.

Bye. - What?

Kate's invited me to see a show with her.

This is so great.

You guys are gonna be total buddies.

I love it! I love it! I love it!

Jesus christ, mike, get a grip.

Don't let them ruin it for you.

He's a man in love.

Well, he sounds like a seventh-grade girl in love.

You know, I don't really miss london that much.

I've such great friends here.

And now I have a new great friend.