Happy Endings

Ok, in no way is this movie based on a true story.

It's a future true story.

A zombie apocalypse is going to happen.

I mean, why do you think I live the way I do?

Mm, lack of ambition, no self-respect. Credit score in the ones.

No, guys. Zombies!

I mean, studies show only one of us would survive.

The question is... Which one? Depends on survival strategy, you know?

It's like are we talking strength to fight them

Or ability to blend in and live amongst them? Amongst? Are we doing "amongst" now?

Mm-hmm. Can we focus up here? Okay? This is life and death.

All right. If we're gonna do ability to blend in, I say dave.

He's basically a zombie anyway. What?!

Yeah, I've seen your daily routine, bro--

Wake up at 7:00, shower, eat the same fiber-based cereal

That is clearly geared towards menopausal women. "her choice crunch" is for everyone.

Eee. And like a zombie, you don't really have any hopes or dreams.

I have dreams! Really?

Look, I am still working on opening my own restaurant. Oh, yeah,

You were just mentioning that, like, six years ago. Yeah, but I de

These delicious steak sandwiches for us tonight,

Despite the fact that max's oven only goes up to 150.

Well, I could tell you who would die first in a zombie attack.

I mean, it's obviously max.

I did that double spit take to illustrate

How insane you sound right now.

I'm sorry, brad,but jane wo. Me?

Oh, yeah. You are out of shape, you have no marketable talents,

And you have no survival skills.

Counterpoint--there are things in this world that you love.

That slows people down. My cold, black heart

And living without attachments

To anyone or anything--it's my greatest asset right there.

Don't do this, dude. She is seriously competitive.

with that 59th hot dog,

Kobayashi is now the best competitive eater in the world!

I need 60 hot dogs and an egg timer.

Let the zombie olympics begin, crazy hot dog lady.

Bring it on.

On your mark, get set, go!

Make it work, baby. Get him, baby. So I'm really a zombie?

Hey, you could stand to shake things up a bit.

I know that selling meat isn't a dream job,

But I make good money, it's restaurant-adjacent,

And I just got comfortable taking deuces there.

Well, you know, on the bright side,

Zombies are super in right now.

I'd rather be a vampire. we'd all rather be vampires, bro.

ohh! aah!

Crushed it! Right now max's face

Is being eaten off by zombies. This is not over between us.

Bring it. Okay, I own you, all right?

I am in your head, and I got a 3-bedroom condo in there

With a marble island and a pizza oven

And a wine fridge! Okay, we got it.

Okay, but you do know that that's my dream kitchen,

Right, babe? You guys... You guys just go, okay?

I'm about to hit my runner's high.

We're going out tonight. We're gonna do it big!

Captioned by closed captioning services, inc.

My laundry day outfit is not meant for public eyes.

It's all right. It's a laundromat.

Everyone here's a weirdo.

Well... Not... You.

oh, you know what? I gotta get some quarters.

Nice outfit.

Ha. You, too. So you come here often?

Only when mylothes are dirty. Oh, so we have that in common.

I'm toby.

Penny.

You know, these dryers take forever.

You... Wanna go next door, get a cup of coffee? Oh, um...

Sure.

Yeah. Okay.

Did you fax the brains?

Did you see the third quarter brains?

Top sirloin's $10 a poun

It's flash-frozen to retain all the nutrients.

Thank you for calling trans corps. Have a great day.

I spend so much time trying to look good,

And then I wear my grungiest outfit,

And a cute guy is into me.

I should hang out at laundromats more.

Yes, I'll have to put up with a lot of abandoned underpants,

But every on in a while, cute guy.

Rockefeller over here-- too good for free underpants.

I cannot wait for you guys to meet toby!

Oh, my god. We are into all the same things--

The home shopping network, baby animals on the internet.

He even thinks it's cool that I needlepoint.

I gotta tell you, it sounds like you're dating my grandma.

Oh, I just got a text from jane.

She's building an addition on the condo she has in my brain?

Not okay. Not during a recession.

Toby's here. Why is he still dressed like that?

Oh, my god. You know what he is, right?

He's a hipster. Oh, no.

The skinny jeans, the scarf no matter the season.

This guy's a hipster, penny.

All those things you like-- he likes them ironically. You don't know that.

Yes, I do. I can smell him from here, and he smells like

A flea market. Watch your mouth.

oh, hey. You ready to go?

Just heard about this awesome underground mix-tape swap.

Max was right.

Hey, uh, that bike lock out there--

Is that also your belt? Oh, I know, right?

Yeah.

So... What's with the getup?

Oh, um... Oh...

It's, uh... Um...

It's penny's laundry day.

You must love doing laundry.

I really attract stains, you know? All over.

Let's head out. All right. See ya.

Nice to meet you. The pleasure is ours.

Take it easy.

You guys were right.

I'm a zombie-- in my job, with alex.

She did literally run away from you at the wedding.

You shoulda eaten her brains when you had the chance.

Yeah, but, see, that's it. I'm done. I'm making some

Serious and aggressive changes in my life. Okay, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm 29. I'm not going m30s

In the same place I am now. What?

Unh-unh, no, you didn't. Exactly, man.

Which is why I'm quitting my job

And I'm opening my own restaurant. Really? What?

Come again? Who's gonna pay the rent?

Dave quit his job? Don't worry. Not yet.

but he's definitely going to.

Well, that's not like dave, so someone needs to tell him

That's a horrible idea.

He has tons of debt, and the economy sucks.

How can you tell a man not to follow his dream?

I know another man that had a dream--

Fievel--in "an american tail." are you gonna tell fievel

He can't go west? You just switched movies at the end there, bro.

It's about a dream, and we are not dream crushers,

Like some blonde ladies. What are you doing with your thumb?

I'm thumb-pong. I can see it.

guys, great news! I found my inspiration basket!

I don't know what's more upsetting--that you have one

Or that you call it that. It's got all my restaurant ideas and my menus

That I've collected over the years, to-do lists.

"get haircut." maybe I will, 2007 dave. Maybe I will.

Anything you guys wanna say?

Nope. Uh, no, just good luck with that haircut, bro.

Thanks. Look, I'll talk some sense into him, and he'll get it,

All right? Dave and I have been friends forever.

We're on the same brave-length.

Brave-length.

It's a brad and dave wavelength.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, don't act like you didn't have to explain that,

'cause that made no sense at all.

Two words to describe my date with toby--ri-dic.

He took me to this secret foursquare party,

And there was a band made up

Entirely of speak & spells.

And that was fun? I think so!

Are you sure about this guy, pen?

I just feel like you're doing that thing where you take on

The characteristics of the guy you're dating. I don't do that.

Hey! Hey!

Love makes us do crazy things.

Does it?

Max, I really like him, okay?

And you gotta just tell me what to do

So I don't embarrass myself. Okay, but you've gotta do everything I say.

Follow every direction without asking a single question.

Hipster rule number one--

Never try. Never put effort into anything. Got it.

Like a flight attendant.

Uh-huh. That's right.

Okay, we're gonna need to put jeans under that skirt

And sweats over those jeans.

Hipster rule number two, only like things ironically--

Books, movies, tv shows, the environment.

Oh, look at that.

Okay, you're playing ping-pong against jude law.

Aah!

You're brewing coffee with glenn close.

Uh, guys, you know I sell clothes here--nice clothes?

Alex, adults are speaking here. Hipster rule number three--

You can never show too much enthusiasm.

I can do that. Can you? Fight it, pen.

don't dance. Don't dance.

She can dance. Look how much fun that is. Don't feel it.

Too much--too much fun. Don't dance.

Good. Final rule-- everything is dumb.

Someone says something you don't understand,

You just go, "I'm over it."

Froyo. Over it. Other stuff. Over it.

Great. Just missing one thing.

Oh, perfect.

Go, my little weirdo. Uh, careful. Don't--

Just watch your way. Please be careful! Yeah. Those are prescrip.

ohh.