Comedian

Hey, guys, life-centered comedy.

Come on in.

She weighed 1200 pounds, and the guy stayed married to her.

Can you imagine that?

"Honey, do you think l look fat in this?"

I have noticed that there is a certain compulsion

Among stand-up comedians to go onstage and perform.

Yeah, unless you wanna go.

It's a real need.

What am I doing here?

I made it!

I had my own show!

What did I do?

I'm back here now!

I screwed up.

Why are you here?

Why am I here? That's a good question.

I could ask you the same thing.

Well, I did an HBO special last year.

I retired everything l've ever written

And wanted to start fresh.

And you have just these couple little things to hang on to.

It's very strange. lt's very hard to get used to.

I was in L. A. last week.

Everyone's going, "l'm not just blowing smoke up your ass."

You know that expression?

Hey, I really thought it was, you know, it was good.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.

What is it about having smoke blown up your ass...

Yeah, I've got, like, two bits, and the rest is...

Shit.

I tell ya, I could not fuck around with these people,

Or I was going down, l knew it.

But they were with you.

That was -- like, you looked like you were having fun.

That's my job.

I just have no idea what the curve is

Of when it's gonna be, you know...

Something...

That's like -- it feels like --

Like -- like it used to feel.

When you're killing,

And while you're up there killing, you're miserable,

Then it's back where it used to be.

When you're like, "Ah, big deal.

I made these idiots laugh."

I saw this lady today with a little, uh -- what was it?

I don't even know the names of these little dogs.

The really little one.

- Chihuahua. - Shih tzu. - Yorkies.

No. I don't know. l don't know.

I wouldn't even know if you said it.

- Rat in a dog suit. - It doesn't matter.

You really can just relax, sir.

I'll take it from here.

This place absolutely has that unmistakable smell

Of every comedy club I went to starting out in New York --

That -- this kind of wood

With, like, with alcohol, the cigarettes.

I don't know what it is.

It's so distinctive.

Colin Quinn, everyone!

I just love it.

I love walking downstairs.

Jerry Seinfeld!

Go in there. lt's all crowded. Everyone's perched.

You just go on and grab the mike and bust it out.

You know what I mean?

The bare essentials.

It's like Tyson fighting with no socks --

Just his shorts and his shoes, and that's it.

It is the smelly gym.

Yeah.

I love the conspiracy people.

You always have the friends that think

They have the inside dope on everything.

I go to the movies with my friend,

I go to reach for a straw -- the straw thing, you know --

He goes, "Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Never take the first straw.

"Don't take the top front straws.

"Always take the straws in the back.

"My nephew used to work here.

They rub their balls on the straws."

They rub their balls on the straws?

"That's how they fuck around."

Really? That's a very nice way to pass the time.

He yells at the popcorn kid, "Don't give us from the top.

"Underneath the top. We don't want the top level.

They jerk off in the popcorn. My cousin used to work here."

He's like, "Don't give us ginger ale.

They piss in the ginger ale. My brother used to work" --

Sounds like the problem might be your relatives.

It's a real pleasure to bring this next guy to the stage.

It's been a pleasure to watch him grow in the last few months.

How about a big hand for Jerry Seinfeld, everybody?

People always say to me, "lt must be so easy."

It's not easy.

What's easy?

For me, now, because people know who I am.

No, you get a little bit of a break up front.

You're goddamn right!

Yeah.

And then, uh, you still gotta be funny.

That's the beauty of stand-up, though.

That's the -- that's why it's closest to justice.

Not that it's just, ultimately, but it's close to justice.

Even Jack Nicholson, who everybody loves,

If he's in the middle of a comedy show,

Everybody'd give him five minutes of grace.

And then they'd be like, "Okay, Jack, you know,

If you're not making us laugh, get going."

You know what I mean?

He's the most beloved person there is.

Right.

So, in the end, whatever it is --

Whether it's three days or seven days --

You're still irritated, still annoyed, still frustrated,

Still hating the whole experience all the way through.

And, now, my point here...

What is my point?

God damn it.

I got off on that whole thing about the number.

Oh, damn it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What was it about?

And it's -- I didn't even want to say what I just said.

That's the ugly part.

I don't remember.

Anyway, there's something good there about --

ls this your first gig?

Yeah. Yes, it is, actually.

No, l, uh --

Well, you know, uh, doing all --

All this stuff I have never said before to anyone.

These are thoughts.

This is how comedians develop material.

And, uh, as you can see, it's quite painful.

The equivalent for a normal person

Would be to go into work in your underwear

And try and do your job that you normally do.

All of a sudden, you can't do anything.

That's how a comedian feels when he's doing a new bit.

I'll tell you what's funny -- that think-tank bit.

- Oh, come on! - What?

That's so stupid.

I would always -- l always thought this --

I hear about these places called a think tank.

I mean, it's just really -- just a bunch of smart guys,

And they bring in problems and try and solve them, right?

Nick Depaulo has a friend who's in a think tank in Boston.

Really?

Nick, where's your friend -- where is he in a think tank?

I can't believe that many people have heard of a think tank.

I'm thinking here.

What do you think people say when they go,

"l can't even think"?

They say, "Wanna go for lunch?

Just give me two more minutes."

"All right.

"Let's get going.

I just want to finish this one thing."

He just sits there looking at you.

It's in there. lt's in there.

It would be kind of cool if there was a submarine, too.

Descend into the tank, and we'll let you up.

Well, that's the tank aspect of it.

Yeah. And they won't let you up

Till you have, like, five thoughts.

"What do you got?"

"Uh, what about, uh, a pair of shoes with" --

"No." Shut the door on you.

So when you go for the interview --

He doesn't think. lf you know how to think --

You know, sometimes, you just don't think.

You just don't think.

That's why they fire you. They fire --

"What do you mean you're letting me go? Why?"

"Because sometimes you just don't think."

That is very funny.

"lf you think that's thinking, you better think again."

"l swear, I'm racking my brains."

"That's what you think."

"Hey, Johnson, l see you sitting in there."

"l don't know what you're thinking."

"To me, it's like you don't even think sometimes!"

"l swear, boss, l'm racking my brains."

"Maybe that's what you think!"

Mark my word, that think-tank bit is gonna be big.

Yeah.

Now, I've tried biking. And don't bike in the city.

Oh, no, don't do it.

I just got a ticket for running a red light on my bicycle.

I got pulled over by a cop on a bicycle.

This guy's chasing me for three blocks.

He's like, "Ring-ring! Ring-ring!"

"Move away from the bicycle.

Move away from the bicycle!"

See, I'm not 1 00%%% confident about this stuff,

And that's what kills me.