M*A*S*H

The bleeding is arrested, Doctor.

Arrested and convicted.

Two counts of attempted escape with intent to clot.

Anyone need fresh gloves?

Not me. I'm waiting for the after‐Christmas sale.

I could use a pair, Father.

What for? Pretend the germs are poor and snub them off.

Ha ha, Pierce. The rapier‐like thrust of an armless D'Artagnan.

Oh, Colonel, you have a visitor.

Tell him to come back during visiting hours.

He's a congressional aide, sir, all the way from Washington.

He must be on important business.

Probably heard we were running low on red tape.

Well, personally, I'm thrilled

to have someone come all the way from Washington.

I'm not. Some flunky probably trying

to rustle up votes for his boss.

Hope he can wait a couple of years.

Most of these kids aren't old enough to vote.

Well, he's waiting outside, sir. What shall I tell him?

Would you keep him company, padre?

I can't ask this kid to wait.

Right now he can't hear me.

Very good, sir.

Oh, and if anyone needs more gloves,

I'll be glad to give you a hand.

Pierce, Hunnicutt,

you two have been a rotten influence on that man.

I'm surprised you didn't get my letter, Colonel.

I'm not.

My regular company clerk is on R&R.

The fella who's supposed to be filling in for him

has his own system:

a pile for everything and everything in its pile.

I understand, Colonel. Believe me,

my concerns are more important than neatness.

So are his.

Now I know you didn't come to Korea for the opera season.

Quite true. You see, Congressman Daniel Lurie‐‐

Are you familiar with him?

I can't, uh, say that I am.

I don't get to read a lot of papers here.

The newsboy keeps throwing 'em in the minefield.

The congressman is very interested in the war effort.

He's concerned that everything goes smoothly.

He's intent on getting our boys the proper support.

And he's up for reelection.

Sir, I think you'll find that this is more

than just political grandstanding.

That's what all you cloakroom boys say.

Colonel, this is important.

I want to talk to your people,

study the inner workings of this unit.

Well, do what you have to do.

Just don't get in our way when we're working.

Your people won't even know I'm here.

Fine. And another thing.

Don't expect this to be a spit‐and‐polish outfit.

We're a little disorderly here.

But we get things done.

Thank you, Colonel.

"Colonel Says Hello to Visiting Fellow."

Klinger, what the devil are you doing?

Sir, it's for the Stars and Stripes photo contest.

First prize is $500, two weeks in Tokyo,

and a date with Marilyn Maxwell.

I got a dress that's perfect for her.

Williamson, meet my very temporary company clerk.

Klinger, did I get a letter from Mr. Williamson?

‐Oh, uh, yes, sir, Colonel. ‐I don't remember seeing it.

When it came, sir, you were out.

So I put it in the "Out" box.

‐Course, now that you're in‐‐ ‐Uh‐huh.

Now, would you show our visitor to the V. I. P. tent?

Immediately, sir. I knew right away you weren't one of us.

Your clothes fit.

As a matter of fact, I work for a congressman.

Wait a second.

Did you say congressman, as in Washington, D. C....

‐go to Baltimore, take a left? ‐Klinger, get moving...

or I'm gonna take a picture called

"Former Corporal with Camera Up Nose."

I can hardly believe it.

I've never been so close to an actual congressman,

a man with his finger on the pulse of the nation.

Well, actually, I'm not the congressman.

I'm just his aide.

Of course, I do have his ear.

Well, I've never been so close to a man

who has the ear of the man

with his finger on the pulse of the nation.

Thank you. It is important work.

I've always felt that I'm married to my country first

and my wife second.

How nice. How can I help you?

The congressman has asked me to talk to a few people,

get their impressions about the war,

and I thought that you would be

the ideal person to start with.

Ha!

I'm told that you are

especially knowledgeable about this unit.

Well, I guess you might say

I have my finger on the pulse of the MASH.

So, tell me a little about yourself.

How do you feel about being here?

Very proud.

I mean, to be a woman with the rank of major

stationed so close to the Korean front.

It could only happen in America.

What about the staff here? Is it adequate?

The best. You won't find a better staff in a stateside hospital.

Oh, I know Pierce and Hunnicutt, uh,

may be a little short on military discipline.

Who?

Doctors Pierce and Hunnicutt.

I haven't had the pleasure yet.

Pierce and Hunnicutt. Is that two T's?

Oh, uh, please. I hope I haven't given you the wrong impression.

They're both first‐rate surgeons.

It's just that they like to do crazy things.

Oh, really? What do you mean?

Oh, well, they like to show up for roll call

in their bathrobes.

They keep a still in their tent.

They once ran all my underwear up the flagpole.

But I want you to understand,

it's an honor to serve with these men.

They sound very interesting. Where would they be now?

I guess Captain Pierce would be in post‐op.

It's right across the compound.

You can't miss it. It's filled with people getting better.

Over there.

Thank you, Major. You've been most helpful.

‐Glad to be of service. ‐KLINGER: Hey, Washington!

From your eyes to the congressman's ear.

‐Have we met? ‐Colonel Potter's office. Remember?

But you weren't dressed like this.

It's a man's prerogative to change his mind.

Klinger, you're disgusting. This man is a congressional aide.

You're telling me? Now, sir, obviously a guy like me

is unfit to defend his country,

unless we're attacked by the House of Dior.

‐So, uh, what do you think? ‐Klinger, you're crazy.

Don't coach him. Let him make his own decisions.

Sir, why don't we run and phone your boss?

Tell him I can be packed and out of here in two hours.

Make that three‐‐ I'd like to dye my pumps.

Sorry, soldier, but Section Eights

are not within the congressman's purview.

‐Now, if you'll excuse me, Major? ‐Certainly.

How do you like that? All dolled up and no place to go.

I hope you don't mind.

Don't be silly. It's fun answering all these questions.

Although I should warn you‐‐ military secrets are extra.

Do you have a pen I could borrow?

No, I'm sorry. That's a military secret.

Oh, what the heck. I never could keep a secret.

Well, how are we today?

‐(speaking Chinese) ‐What is he saying?

Either he's thanking me for saving his life or his shorts are too tight.

‐Is that Chinese he's speaking? ‐That's right.

Do you always treat enemy soldiers?

Of course not. Only if they're sick.

Okay, see you later. Remember, no bowling for a week.

Any instructions, Doctor?

Yeah. Meet me in X‐ray in an hour and wear something filmy.

Now, that is a very attractive woman.

Oh, sure, she looks great in a uniform.

But take it off and she's wearing nothing.

Um, Captain, I'd like to ask you a few more questions. May I?

Yeah, sure. I was just on my way to my tent. Come on.

You've had your shots, haven't you?

Well, here's the place.

‐Nice. ‐We're very proud of it.

It's just been condemned by the Board of Swine.

Which brings us to my roommate‐‐ B. J. Hunnicutt.

B.J. Hunnicutt, R. Theodore Williamson.

‐R, B. J. B. J., R. ‐Hi, R.

Now we're on a first‐letter basis.

You guys sure are fast with the repartee.

Mr. Williamson is from Congress.

The home office of the war?

Oh, then you'll be happy to know wounds are up 25%.

Hey, I think I know what that sense of humor is covering up.

‐Oh, really? What? ‐Let's be serious.

Is there anything that we on Capitol Hill can do to improve things for you?

Yeah, now that you mention it, we could use a good dermatologist.

Do you realize we're sending soldiers to the front with pimples?

Now, I'm not gonna be able to help you guys

if you keep on cracking jokes.

I know the equipment here is first‐rate.

We made sure of that.

But what about the personnel?

Is everyone as dedicated as you are?

Ah, what do we care?

Come on, every unit has its deadbeats,

its malcontents.

Malcontents? Here?

This close to Ouijongbu, the Hoboken of the Orient?