Archer

Archer.

Lana?

- Lana! - Whoa, Jesus Christ!

- Chill out, Miggs! - I'm sorry, it's just

- been so long. - Okay, it's been...

Oh, my God. You're pregnant again?!

- What? - How long have I been

down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?!

- Like... three weeks. - Hmm, seems so much

- longer than that. - It...

So, please tell me that's an entire canard à la

- presse with a file in it. - Half a chicken, no

file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here.

Ugh, why do you even bother?

That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on

- the way down here. - And then brought

- crappy food anyway? - And then left?

No, no, no, wait, come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but

I-I'm starting to lose it down here.

You-you got to make him let me go!

- Make him how? - Well, I hate to

- even ask, but... - Blow him?

- Your words. - And then what, Archer,

you want me to blow the whole army?

How is there still an army?

How have the rebels not wiped them out already?

Because turns out, he's actually very good at

- commanding an army. - And as Third and

Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the

- rebels are outflanked. - Sir,

- it's brilliant! - A classic pincher

movement. Just like Hannibal at the battle

of Cannae. And also Keith, in my

- Warhammer guild. - So, get used to that

weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a...

Lana, I need a woman's touch!

Oh! Ow!

I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman, not a

stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident

and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear.

So, did you want to just do it right through the

- bars or...? - I mean, we do.

- And sometimes they do. - Hello.

I... wait. So, in three weeks, you go from

you're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like,

- swinger pals? - Well, I wouldn't

say "pals." Wow, not what you

- said yesterday. - Oh, come on, that

- was the pruno talking. - Well, I hate to break

up this delightful ménage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back

- upstairs. - Wait, what?

- What? - Why.

- Guess. - Ah.

- Mm. - Ow!

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- What? - Archer, do you want

- me to move over one? - Eh.

Ah, Madame First Lady. So good of you to join me.

It's not as if I had a choice.

- Well... - Nor am I still the

- the first lady. - Well, maybe not

technically, since your husband divorced you and then was

immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say,

- fluid. - Ugh.

- I brought her, can I go now? - Yes, for the love of

- God, get out. - I meant home.

What are you, nuts?

Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back

from the rebels. We're sitting on an endless

- supply. - Of what, coca leaf

smoothies?

Oh, my God. That's a coca leaf smoothie.

And they're gross. It basically tastes like a fart

of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped

cocaine she was eating.

'Cause that's just empty calories.

- Well, and cocaine. - Which, if I'm being

totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with.

- No. - And, Lana, the rebels

still control the airport. It's their HQ.

So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home.

And why on Earth would you want to?

Uh...

Why bother going back?

The U.S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become

a criminal. And I hate to say it, but it's

not like you have a man waiting for you.

- I... You know... - Whereas here we have

everything we need. It's like San Marcos has been

waiting thousands of years for us to arrive.

- Lana, this could be our... - Don't.

Zion, yes, there, I said it.

Wait, they got weed

- here, too? - That's not what the

- song's about! - Told you.

But I just this second realized why you want to stay

down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your

- Palpatine. - Is that a reference

- I should get, or...? - Seriously?

Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical

- school. - It's from... No, you

know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends

- up killing Palpatine. - Hey.

But only for three days, right?

And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger

- than ever. - Then he shuts off the

tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.

- What? - Hey.

Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.

- It cannot possibly. - Gospel of Luke?

- Hey. - Oh for... Ray, you used

to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?

I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the

- New Testament. - The one with Jesus

- Christ in it. - I mean, I take your

- word for it, but... - Hey!

Will you idiots get out?! I'm trying to talk to the first

- lady! - Of what, this

country or country music? 'Cause I'm first lady of both!

- CYRIL No, you're not... - Outlaw country!

Oh, my God, my beautiful and also

multi-talented wife! You are here!

I know, right? It's like, finally.

As in... this is a good thing?

Duh!

I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve.

Oh, my God, you've always deserved it.

Wait, how does being in jail...?

Paging Dr. Black, Dr. Man In Black!

Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so...

- Yeah, to visit. - Hmm?

He just played for the prisoners, dummy.

He wasn't actually in prison.

But don't worry. We're gonna get out of here and

- go join the rebels. - Yes, then you and

I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills,

scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh,

yam-scratcher. - Okay, A-- start

counting backwards from a million years, and when you get

to zero that still won't happen.

- Aw. And B-- how...

- how do we get out of here? - Well, we're, uh,

- still fine-tuning it, but... - We have no plan,

- whatsoever. - Okay, good, because

I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink.

- Whaaaaat? - Where did you get

- that? - Let's just say,

"I honestly don't know." Fair enough.

Cyril says the rebel headquarters are...

- Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"? - It's "where," idiot!

The airport! Jesus!

And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head

when you are addressing the First Lady of the

government-in-exile of La República de San Marcos!

And also country music.

I facetiously beg milady's pardon.

Oh, milady facetiously grants it.

Oh, goody. Now let's steal a car, go join

the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army.

You make it sound so easy.

Well, it's Cyril.

I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants...

Which he totally does.

Which, guys, can we talk about this?

The time for talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder.

- Now is the time for action! - Clone bone!

And by that I mean his... you know...

- Yeah, we... - Let me finish!

...penis. No, you ruined it.

And by "it," I meant the moment. Not his penis.

- I... - Penis.

Will you shut up?! I know what I'm doing!

Yes, but don't do what you are doing!

Are you crazy?! This car is worth one quarter of

- $1 million! - Well, was.

And did you ever think maybe your fleet of

priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a

- rebellion? - I'm fighting the

rebels because that is what we do!

My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels...

So, like a family business.

That manufactures oppression.

Well, and cocaine. In fact...

Stop!

What?!

That.

I mean, if you think we have time.

I... Is there a

- tiger? - Of course there is

a tiger. Where did you think you are,

Tegucigalpa?

And so, by the power

self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I

may also kiss the bride.

- Yay! - Ugh, second worst

- wedding ever. - Yeah, but at least

- nobody died. - Yet!

Inappropes.

What is wrong with you?

I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like,