Crazy Desires of a Murderer (I vizi morbosi di una governante)

Who is it?

- It's me, Dad. - You should be home already.

I had a layover in Bombay. Some trouble with the engine, you know.

- How are you? - Well, it's been a long journey.

Stop wasting time and come home.

Yes, I'm coming tomorrow with Elsa, Frank and a few other friends.

- Nonsense! We can't have guests! - Don't get so worked up.

- I don't want any strangers in my house, Ileana! - Just for the weekend.

- It's dangerous! - Relax, everything will be fine.

No, I won't calm down! I don't want any strangers here!

It's too late now, I've already invited them.

Dad?

Hello? Hello?

Dad?

Hello?

CRAZY DESIRES OF A MURDERER

- Hello, Bobby. - Pierluigi?

- Yeah, it's me. How are you? - I was waiting for your phone call.

I wanted to be sure first. What about our stuff?

With the blonde, as planned.

- How much? - 200 pieces. Pure. That fine for you?

Good job, well done.

- Don't waste time and go pick up Ileana. - Where shall we meet?

- I'm coming with Frank and Gretel. See you at the motel. - See you later.

Out of the car.

- Relax, guys. There's no need to get worked up. - Why should we believe you?

- We've waited for too long. - Easy. You'll have your stuff for Monday.

- 48 hours? That's too long. - I can't get it before then!

Stop trying to play it wise.

You've got 48 hours but not a minute more.

Get it, you two-bit playboy?

- Yes. - Try to make a run for it and I'll follow you to hell.

I'll shoot you between the eyes, get it?

- Come in. - Welcome back, Miss.

Good morning, Hans.

At last we're here!

- Nice place! - Look at this old manor!

- Not bad! - Looks huge!

- Welcome back. I'm happy to see you. - Thank you, Berta. How's life?

Oh, the usual routine, especially for an old spinster like me.

- How's my father? - I just gave him an injection.

- He's still in pain, but calmer. - I hope so.

- A transition period, in my opinion. - That's right.

- Come on, let's go. - Right behind you.

- Hello, you old grump. - Hello, did you have a good time?

Yes, Dad. Very.

A girl like you traveling alone around the world...

It's simply inconceivable! Those people are savages.

I remember the Boxer Rebellion. How many of those Chinese we killed.

- Yes, you've told me before. - A girl like you shouldn't travel the world alone.

- Please, Dad, not this again. - How are you, Baron?

Fellows, allow me to introduce you to Baron De Chablais.

One of the world's leading experts in Oriental art.

It's Frank, Dad. You've met him many times before.

You've practically watched him grow up!

He's the son of your friend, Hoffman.

Hoffman? Why, how's your father?

- My father? - He's dead.

- Dead? - More than ten years ago.

Oh, that poor man. I'm shattered.

- I didn't know he died. - Yes you did, Dad.

You even gave the eulogy at his funeral.

Yes, I remember. One beautiful funeral.

If you say so, Dad. Let me introduce you my friends.

Gretel Schanz.

Pierluigi La Rocca.

Bobby Jelson.

And, for the twentieth time, let me introduce you to Elsa.

Elsa Leiter.

I may be a wanderer but I never forget to buy Dad some knick-knacks.

Knick-knacks? Why, I love Oriental art!

Dad, look. I got these in some little shop in Hong Kong.

I couldn't visit Mainland China, though.

They keep babbling about opening to the West but no way they issued me a permit.

I could see Formosa, at least.

- How did you get it through customs? - The power of money, Dad.

- And Bobby's help. - My cousin works at the American embassy in Formosa.

- You traveled with my daughter? - We met three days before she left for Europe.

I acted as her guide, I could say. The East has no secrets for me.

Then you must know that famous Chinese antiquarian.

No, actually I'm more versed when it comes to nightlife.

Young people used to love art in my day! That's how you learn about the world!

Only a few can learn from art, whereas many from having fun.

- Something wrong? - I was just admiring this collection.

- Quite valuable, I imagine. - Yes, but we have much better things here.

Keep your hands off me.

What's wrong, Berta?

You may have used me once, but I'm not your slave.

Don't ever think about it. I'm over that.

Time healed your wounds, I see.

- It was kinder than you ever were. - My, you still thinking about that loan?

Those were all my savings.

- I'll pay you back as soon as possible. - I've been waiting more than two years.

That blonde fell for our bait.

It was easier than I expected.

She's got no idea she traveled with all that stuff!

- It's already been opened. - Well, I wanted a little taste.

What about next time?

Oh, I'll just find another courier.

Plenty of pretty girls returning to Europe down there.

And quick to fall for your charms.

I'll write you a check.

We agreed on cash.

- I hope you're not writing me a bad check. - That'll become good by Tuesday morning.

- Tuesday morning? - Hey, even on death row you get a 48 hour reprieve.

- Go to your bank on Tuesday. - All right.

- Don't try to trick me. Got a cigarette for me? - Ain't got any, sorry.

- I'll send Hans to buy some. - No, I'll go to the village.

Get me some matches too, friend.

- Pierluigi. - Yes?

Going to the village? I'll join you.

Watch out!

- Did you see that crazy jerk? - That guy's a drunk, not crazy.

- You know that guy? - Of course I do.

He's the castle's surgeon, but he should be a butcher.

- He costs more in whiskey than in wages. - You in competition with the guy?

Quite the opposite, actually, but let's forget about him.

Take your time. I'm going to buy a newspaper.

The manager, please.

Hello, this is La Rocca, I'm calling about that check.

Wait, I haven't finished yet.

Trust me, I'll fix everything by Monday night.

Give me just a little more time, please.

Yes, yes. Right, I see. It's in my own best interest.

Everyone believes cockfighting is merely a South American pastime.

The Chinese have been doing it for thousands of years.

- They actually used it to solve conflicts. - That's interesting!

Can you imagine Nixon and Mao solving their issues through cockfighting?

Leave it to the Americans to feed those poor animals with growth hormones,

like they did with turkeys!

And they'd celebrate their victories with a cockfighting parade!

If we'd use a system like that here in Italy, we could say goodbye to lawyers!

- Anything else, Miss? - No, thanks. You can go to bed, Berta.

- Where's the champagne? - Over here.

Just one bottle? You're getting as stingy as my father!

- We need two or three, at least. - I'll get them.

No, give me the key. I'll get them.

- Thank you. - You're welcome. Good night.

- Who's coming with me? - Me!

- Nope, not you. I don't trust your hands. - Yup, but my heart is so warm.

I still don't trust you.

Let's go, Gretel.

Wait here.

The floor is wet and slippery.

- Cristal or Dom Perignon? - Cristal. It's lighter.

All right.

Gretel!

Gretel!

Gretel, stop!

Gretel!

Calm down, Miss. It's me, Hans!

I'm sorry, Hans, but I've just seen...

- Where were you, Hans? - I went to close the gate.

How many times do I have to tell you to never let Leandro out of your sight?

And you must never forget to lock his door.

That's Ileana's mother.

She was not even 30 when she passed.

She's buried in the park of the castle.

The baron wanted that fabulous emerald to be buried with her.

- Is it worth a lot? - More than 150 million lire.

- 150 million? - More, probably.

A real buried treasure.

A stunning woman. One night the princess was attacked by the gardener,

which she managed to kill in self-defense.

Her son was with her.

That terrible shock drove the boy mad.

Where is he, now?

I don't know exactly, but I heard he's in some German clinic in Beirut.

- Was the mother from there? - No, she was from Thailand.

She was only 16 when the baron married her.

- Quite a catch for the old geezer. - You can say it.

According to some doctors, the boy's sickness is due to the baron's old age.

But they spared the old man the news.

Did you also have an affair with her?

- Do I have your word? - I won't say anything, don't worry.

Thank you.

Such a tragedy took a heavy toll on my family.

- He's absolutely harmless. - I won't say anything.

Leandro?

Leandro?

Mommy!

Mommy!

Leandro!

Leandro!

You stupid ass! I've looked for you everywhere!

It's your fault I was told off by your slut of a sister!

Leave the boy alone!

Come to Berta, Leandro. Don't look at that mean Hans.

He'll go to hell for hurting my baby.

"Les Biches"?

- I give up. - All films have scenes like that now!

- Still enjoyable, though, who cares about charades. - No, you have to guess!

"Le salamandre"?

Well done, that's it! Now it's your turn!

Lights out, please.

- "A Clockwork Orange"! - That's right!

- Whose turn is it now? - Me and Ileana.

- Ileana, what's wrong? - Do you feel sick?

- Who's that? - It's me, Elsa. Open the door.

Elsa!