Superstore

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, who here likes cash, huh?

Oh, good, I'm glad you're excited,

because our computer system is down,

so today all we can take is cash.

- What? - Why are you waving

the cash around like that?

I thought it would make you excited.

Like I was gonna give you the cash or something.

- Yeah. - Hey, where's Amy?

Oh, she's been late a lot lately.

Last Thursday, last Monday. Thursday before that.

Oh, no. What if Emma was kidnapped?

Yeah, what if she's getting kidnapped

every Monday and Thursday morning?

It has nothing to do with Emma, okay?

It's a personal thing. End of conversation.

- Is it? - Beginning of conversation.

- "Personal thing"? - Oh, my God, is she sick?

Zika, I bet. Everyone's getting Zika.

You know what? It's probably drugs.

You can tell from her teeth.

It is not drugs!

It's just marriage counseling.

What?

How is that worse than drugs?

Is Amy gonna get divorced?

Look, I shouldn't have said anything, okay?

Look, Adam hasn't even moved out.

He's just sleeping in the basement.

- What? - Shut up!

How is that worse than divorce?

- Oh, my God. - That is so bad.

She told me this in confidence.

So, you know, just clam up your face holes.

Here she is. Shut up. Just shut up, just shut up!

- Shut up! Shut up! - Be normal, be normal.

- Shut up! Shut up! - Be normal!

Sorry I'm late. Traffic.

It's okay.

Oh, man, traffic will slow things down.

Oh, dude, especially in this town, you know?

- With all the cars. - Traffic.

Sorry.

Oh, okay. So everybody knows about my counseling.

Well, they do now!

Oh, hey.

I just wanted to let you know I restocked all the toothpaste

that Myrtle decided looked "just fine" in electronics, so...

And?

And... what?

Well, I know there's more.

No, there's not. There's just...

There's just no shame in counseling.

- Is all I'm saying. - And there it is.

No. Mental health is important and it shouldn't be stigmatized.

- I think it's ridiculous that... - Jonah, please stop.

I know you're trying to help me and I really appreciate it,

but I don't want to talk about it, okay?

I don't. I just want everybody to treat me normally.

Okay?

Oh, hey, Sandra, I...

- Shh. - Oh, God.

It's okay.

You are loved.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Adam, it's Carol at Cloud 9.

I got your number off of Amy's emergency contact form.

I heard about you and Amy,

and I just wanted to see how you were you-ing.

"Youing"? How you were doing.

Why am I so nervous?

You trusted me with a secret, and I betrayed you.

I'm a monster.

If you want, you can tell everyone

something embarrassing about me.

A tiny spider once crawled into the entrance of my...

Okay, I just... I don't really

wanna talk about this anymore.

Oh, Franklin and Bash, gabbin' away.

- What you talking about? - Nothing.

- Spider story. - Amy!

Listen. Buck up, buttercup.

I know exactly what you need.

Ladies' lunch.

Huh? You, me, whoever, not Glenn.

Um... yeah, no.

I'm not really in the mood.

Come on. We can gab and dish

and talk about our periods.

Your red zone usually starts around the 24th, right?

Wha... is that something I'm supposed to know?

I am the worst friend.

Yeah, you are.

Guys, it's not that big a deal.

It's just counseling.

- They're gonna be fine. - Yeah, but if

the marriage goes pffft...

I call dibs on Amy.

But you can't just call dibs on a human.

Why, did you already call it?

Did I? No, I... no.

- I don't have any interest in... - He's already got

- a girlfriend. - Oh.

No, actually, Naomi and I broke up.

- Whoa! - Because of Amy?

No, gross. Because she thought of me more as a brother.

But you don't have dibs on Amy, then.

- No. - Cool. Dibs! Dibs infinity!

No takebacks. Mm! Yeah!

Durbs!

I feel so bad for her.

Oh, she is this close to a breakdown.

I know.

I don't know what I would do without Jeff.

I can't believe she's still pretending to be dating Jeff.

I'm dating Jeff, okay?

She's dating no one.

That's how the world works.

Someone sounds jealous.

I wish there were some customers here.

I can't believe I just said that.

Ooh, nice assist!

Hey, I played basketball when I was a kid

until my parents let me stop.

- Okay, well... - Oh, hey, check it out.

- Moving target. - Oh, bring it on.

- Three points. - Okay.

- Hey, oh! - Oh, yeah!

In your face, Brett!

Wait, I don't get it.

It's one of the slowest days we've ever had.

Why can't one of the warehouse guys load this?

I don't know. Dina just told me to

and when I asked her why, she said, "Shut up, Sandra."

Shut up, Sandra!

- What are you... - Ladies' lunch.

No. No! No!

I said no!

This is for your own good.

Yeah, you didn't have to kidnap me, Dina.

Kidnapping is what you do to children.

You're pushing 40. I abducted you.

All right, everybody. First on the agenda: free talk.

A couple of ground rules. No shop talk.

Also, no religion or politics. Too divisive.

Also, don't tell a story about someone

we don't all know.

It makes people feel excluded.

Other than that, sky's the limit.

Have you guys heard the new Fetty Wap song?

We're not talking about music!

Okay? That's just a bunch of sounds,

and I can hear that anywhere.

Three, two, one!

Muffin ball!

- Into the mop bucket! - Yes, that's a niner!

He's looking to ten it.

- Oh! - Ow!

- Oh! - You guys!

Are you literally insane?

Sorry, Mateo. Could you throw us back

the muffin ball, though?

I could. But I won't.

Hey, yo, you know what?

- We should get blockers. - I was just gonna say that.

Hey, thanks, Mateo!

I'm having a lot of fun with you.

Don't ever say that to me again.

Just get the blockers.

Can I start you ladies off with some drinks, or...

No, we don't drink.

Can you imagine?

glug, glug, glug, glug.

Oh, uh, white wine. Two ice cubes.

I'll take a Rusty Spaniard.

- I'm gonna have to see some ID. - Are you kidding?

Look at her face. She's, like, 2,000.

This is embarrassing.

I left my ID at the lawyer office.

That's fine. What do you want?

I'll have four beers, please.

How about we order our meals at the same time

and then maybe you can just bring the check now.

That would be great. Thank you.

So what is fast?

All right, Marcus, alley-oop me into the cooler, okay?

Now, Brett, come back, come back, come back!

- Oh, no! - Damn it!

He's got the moves like Jagger.

- That's your fault, Marcus. - Me? Get your head

- in the game, man. - Mateo tattles me

that you're playing a game instead of working.

Seriously, dude?

Yeah, you're misusing baked goods

and hurting people's cashmere, so...

- Come on, man. - I'm sorry,

but this game is over, okay?

I'm throwing this away.

Oh!