Extras

Maybe I'm stupid, maybe the jury's stupid, so many things don't add up...

You say you were in a restaurant, you ate alone, but no one remembers you.

And the flowers...

The flowers...

It seems very odd

that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card.

Whenever I sent my wife flowers I always wrote a card.

Objection! When did you ever send me flowers?

- I sent you flowers... - Name me one occasion!

- After your mother died. - A wreath doesn't count!

- Of course it does. - Does that count?

My Lord, does that count?

It's still flowers. You asked when did I ever send you flowers.

- Let's stick to the facts, shall we? - Shove your facts and your flowers...

Order! Order!

I order you to kiss and make up!

- My Lord? - You heard me!

And cut there. Thank you everybody, thank you very much guys.

Thanks, Pete!

EXTRAS

Episode 7.

Hello?

- Alright? - Hey, how you doing?

- Nervous. - Why?

- Big night, isn't it? - Why, why, what's happening?

- Filming the sitcom. - What sitcom?

- My sitcom. You're coming down! - Yeah... I thought that was next week.

No, it's tonight, 7.30. Then every Thursday for six weeks.

- Put it in your diary. - I haven't got a diary.

- It's a figure of speech. - You doing a speech?

Well this has been helpful, I'm glad I called.

- Let me know how it goes, hey? - You're coming down!

- Alright then, what time does it start? - 7:30.

- Alright then. Bye! - Alright, cheers!

Alright see you later, bye, yeah. Hiya!

- Hi. - What were you rolling your eyes at?

Just all that lot, fawning all over you. That must get a bit exhausting.

Yeah it can be pretty exhausting, yeah.

Especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous.

They're not doing it just because I'm famous though.

- Well it is though, isn't it? - No, it's my looks as well.

I don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star.

They pretty much would, yeah. I've always had attention.

All I'm saying is like if you were the prop boy you'd just get ignored.

What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored.

I'll tell you who does get ignored: Johnny Depp.

On the set of "Pirates of the Caribbean" the birds just walk straight past him.

"Get out the bloody way whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando".

They're round me like flies 'round shit.

- They ignore Johnny Depp? - Yeah.

They're going, "Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?"

I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp" you know.

They're going, "Who cares, you know, you were Legolas"

"in Lord of the Rings!"

"Look at me, I make art-house movies, I've got scissors for hands."

Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.

Stand by everybody, stand by, thank you.

Hey buddy! Alright, how's it going, all set?

I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. This is not the comedy I set out to do.

I wanted something real, that people would relate to,

and it's all changed because people have stuck their nose in.

I'm hearing you alright, but this is typical first night nerves, alright?

I know what you're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny..."

"It's crass, it's lowest common denominator."

And you know, you're right. But don't worry about it,

because people will watch anything, alright?

It's on after EastEnders and they haven't got to change the channel.

Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war, and, you know,

ratings in the end are what count. And merchandise.

I wanted to write a credible comedy that would stand the test of time.

Yeah, I know, ok. Well, I agree and I was just saying that

'cause that's what I thought you wanted me to say.

Well don't, tell the truth.

Well I will and the, the truth is, if you're not happy I'm right behind you.

- And I've got the perfect replacement. - For what?

For you, for your character, it's only Barry.

He's all set, knows all the lines, he's ready to go, can step in.

What's your character's catchphrase?

It's not a catchphrase, it's something the real Ray used to actually say.

What was it?

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?"

Look at that, stony face. And I love a giggle me, don't I? You do it.

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?"

- I don't know how he comes up with it. - He didn't come up with it.

The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this right,

people will laugh at him, they never laugh with him, it's extraordinary.

Look at that face, there's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it. Do it!

"Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?"

- I love it. Because he's desperate. - Yeah, the role's taken, cheers!

- Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? - Yeah, everything alright?

- I think so. Damon? - Yeah, everybody's in.

Rehearsals should kick off about twenty past.

Just one tiny incy winsy little hiccup: Paul Shane's dropped out.

- Why? - He was worried it was a bit too broad.

Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right.

It's only a little part isn't it. We've got a replacement, Keith's on his way.

- Keith? - Keith Chegwin.

Keith Chegwin? Can he act? He's a TV presenter isn't he?

We thought that'd add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value.

- Yeah, great. - That does annoy me a little bit.

If you're looking for a podgy fella who'll do anything to get on the telly-

Barry.

You were trying to get in my part a minute ago.

He's versatile. He's multi-talented. You never even saw his one-man

version of Romeo and Juliet, it was brilliant.

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it.

And yet I would it were to give again.

- Always gets me, that bit. Well done. - Alright, ok.

- Maggie. Hello... - Oh hi!

You're not still an extra are you? Oh God, that must do your head in.

You know I'm an actress now? How long have you been an extra?

- Supporting artist. - How long?

I only did it about 18 months and then I was plucked out of the cesspool.

- No disrespect. - None taken.

I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom. He's gorgeous!

Well, I just did a scene with him.

I mean I've got an actual scene with dialogue,

not just a fuzzy blob in the background. No disrespect!

None taken, again.

Oh hang on. Oh it's Matty Bowers. I've just got to take this.

Hello darling!

Listen, no, Matt can I just call you back, sorry I'm just with a friend...

Yes, she is female... Oh he says can I take a picture of you...?

I'll text it to you... You're a dirty old man. Bye!

He's not old, he's twenty-eight and he's got his own yacht.

He's quite a catch.

So where you living at the moment? Have you got your own place?

Yes, I've got my own place.

You were renting before - that grotty little council place behind Londis.

- Yeah, I'm still there. - You're well though.

- Surprisingly. - Yeah, that's the main thing.

Even if you've got nothing else, least you've got your health.

- At the moment. - Yeah.

Talking of bad luck... Did you hear about Barbara?

Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, all alone,

crying herself to sleep every night in that big house...

She has got her own house, at least, which is something.

- Good for her. - Oh that'll be Matty.

No. Nevermind.

He's late again. Alfie's going to be in so much trouble!

Well I'm not carrying the can for him again.

Well there's no excuses this time. Mr. Stokes said if he's late one more time

he's gonna give him the brush off.

Here he is. Alfie, not again. Why are you late?

- Because I buried me sister today! - Great! Let's move on. Next scene!

Sorry, I don't want to interfere, is that how he's going to do it?

Because it's meant to be a sad line. "I buried my sister today."

He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional...

- Hang on everyone! - Keith, can we try that again?

You were smiling mate, it's, it's em, they all sort of think you're a joke

because you're always late but today you've got a valid reason:

you buried your sister. It's sort of an emotional point in the show.

- Could we, could we do it again? - Yeah, no worries.

Okay, sorry.

You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad.

Ok? You've just been to a funeral.

Ok, in you come.

Alfie, not again. Why are you late?

Because I buried my sister today.

Don't look at the camera. You can't, mustn't look at the camera.

It breaks the illusion this is real life. Go again.

In you come, action!

You're smiling. Sad!

You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again!

Action!

- Alfie, not again. Why are you late? - Because I...

We can't see you Keith, you've gone too far, ok?

You've got to stay on that mark, the blue mark down there.

That's for you to stand on 'cause that's where the camera is pointing.

Then we can see your face. So, just to recap: Come in, not smiling,

because you're sad because you just buried your sister,

don't look at the camera and stand on that mark,

so we can see you on the telly. Ok?

There's a lot to remember, isn't there?

There is a lot to remember, it's called acting. Ok, ok, action!

Sad! Too far, left a bit, don't look at me! Ok, ask him the question.

- Why are you late? - Because my sister buried me today.

For fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you? That'd be mental!

Sorry, I get so confused. The thing is me sister's not dead.

What?

I told them when I started. Me sister, she's not dead.

- Do you mean in real life? - Yeah.

Presumably you don't work in a factory in real life?

- No. - And your name's not Alfie.

That's another thing. Sometimes I don't know who's talking to who.

- Would you rather be called Keith? - It would help.

Okay everyone, we're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith.

Okay? Good. Let's go again.

This time then. Ok. In you come, Keith.

- 'Keith' me or 'Keith' the character? - Same person!

'Keith' you and 'Keith' the character, all in one Keith, in you come, action!

- The door's stuck. - That's lunch!

Okay, no, ok, bye, bye.

A call to do a small part in a film. I had to let them down, I'm too busy.

- I wonder if they'd want you. - No, I wouldn't have thought so.

- No, hang on, let me give them a call. - No, no.

Try and help my bloody mates. You need the help.