Family Guy

Welcome, everyone.

My name is Von Jiener,

and I'm Vice President of Creative Bankruptcy

for the Fox TV network,

which, at the time of this writing,

is still a thing that exists.

Just from looking at your clothes and weight,

I can tell you all watch a lot of free network television.

Am I right?

Excellent.

You have been selected to be part of a focus group

that could affect one of America's

most beloved television shows: Family Guy.

That woman looks exactly like me.

That's your reflection, Peter.

Oh.

I'm beautiful.

As you may or may not care,

Family Guy is in its 17th season.

And since Fox is now owned by Disney,

which will someday be owned by Netflix,

which will someday be owned by Pornhub,

we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot.

Reboot? I thought they said it was a couple of tweaks.

Yeah, we're supposed to trust these idiots?

That woman has her finger up her nose.

That's still your reflection, Peter.

Oh. She's beautiful.

Now, as most unfunny women will tell you,

women are very funny.

That's why our first reboot is built around

the very popular Louise.

- It's Lois. - Whatever. The mom.

Lois!

Going to work, huh?

Yes, Joe, I'm going to work.

Great! More and more women are doing that.

Good morning, goddess.

You know, I just want to say again that you were

totally right last night to bring up

that thing I did wrong 11 years ago.

And please feel free to bring it up again anytime,

even if we're talking about something completely unrelated.

Thank you, Peter, I will.

Oh, I-I know you will.

- Morning, Lois. - Hey, girl.

Oh, hello, gay couple who's constantly jogging.

What are you up to this morning?

Just adopting and pucker-kissing.

Yeah, we're network TV gay,

so all we can do is adopt children

and pucker-kiss, no tongue stuff.

- Isn't that right, sweetie? - Mwah!

Well, I'm off to my high-powered job

at a fashion magazine, greeting card company or winery.

I can't wait to see which.

Oh, yay! It's a winery!

Good morning, Judy Greer.

Morning, Lois. How was your night last night?

Great. I worked out, made dinner,

a little family time,

and had Peter's ankles up in the air by 11:00.

God, I admire you.

That's what you're here for, Judy Greer.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Bert wants to see you in his office.

- Oh? What about? - He didn't say.

But it sounded hashtag serious.

Aw, meeting with the boss.

This is gonna be worse than finding a spider in the kitchen.

Oh, my God.

Peter, there's a spider in here!

Yeah, I know, genius.

Hi, Lois.

I wanted to let you know

I'm considering you for a big promotion.

Really? That's amazing.

Well, the job's not yours yet.

It's between you and one other person,

Smarmy J. Tie-Straightener the Third.

I hit a gay jogger on my way to work today.

Sorry I only satisfied you twice tonight.

I found a pouch of Big League Chew earlier,

and my jaw is worn out.

You did great, Peter.

Good night, perfect.

Aw, I just don't know what to do about this thing at work.

I... Are we still talking about that?

I mean, it's fine if we are, w-we just...

We talked about it before dinner

and-and during dinner and after dinner.

No, you're right. I'll be fine.

Good night, Peter.

Oh.

I just want this promotion so bad.

Okay, so we are talking about it.

You know what? I'll make a vision board.

See my success and be my success.

My testosterone is so low I could not have thought of that.

Would you like me to put on our sleep ocean noises

with an occasional shocking seagull screech?

Yes, thanks. I have a big day tomorrow.

Good night.

Excuse me.

May I have your attention, please?

Now, I know you're all wondering

who is going to get the big promotion,

and I'm proud to announce that person is Smarmy...

Excuse me, where do I put this briefcase full of money?

Uh, who are you?

I'm president of Wine and Paint Night Incorporated.

Lois Griffin just landed my account

through her wit, charm and professionalism.

Is that so? Well, in that case,

the big promotion goes to Lois Griffin!

What can I say? I love my wife.

Eh, it's my show. Why shouldn't this be me?

'Cause I'm the funny one.

Not on this show you're not.

Or am I?

Ah, I thought we had one more face.

So, what did you think?

And please keep in mind that your spontaneous comments

will affect the jobs of hundreds of people.

Come on, you idiots, don't screw me.

The show is from a woman's perspective,

but it still felt like it was written by a man.

Okay, well, what if I told you shut up?

Yeah, kind of changes things, doesn't it?

Anyone else?

I'm sorry, I was scrolling through the weather

in random cities.

Great! You're taking this very seriously.

You know what, I don't really get Family Guy.

What's so hard to get?

You just need to have grown up in the '80s

but still be a teenager.

So, based on that one episode featuring Lois,

how many of you would likely watch a second?

Son of a bitch!

Anything else?

Huh, 76 in Santa Fe right now.

synced by waqas.zahoor89

Hey, what's going on in that room?

It's a focus group of Arby's executives

watching us eat.

- Oh! - No way!

- He ate it! - People will eat anything!

50 bucks says the fat girl eats

a third Big Beef 'n Cheddar. Who's on it?

- Okay. - I'll take that. -You got it.

- Oh, come on, buddy. - Don't do it. -Here she comes.

All right, kid, take your time.

Yeah! - Gross! -Damn it!

Many recent shows have found success

by rebooting themselves as gritty supernatural teen dramas,

like Teen Wolf or Riverdale,

which are watched by as many as 6,000 people a year,

so we thought a similar approach might work for Family Guy.

I'm guessing we're wrong, but let's find out for sure.

Hey, Goldman, great job with sports today.

Thanks, Chris. We're almost ready

for the important sports game.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Ruth.

Good gender-fluid shower?

Great gender-fluid shower.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Putting my gender fluid in the shower.

Also, I'm the town sheriff,

but you don't find that out till later

because it's not relevant to the story.

Chris, there you are.

Patty, what's wrong? Why aren't you in bitch class?

It's your sister Meg.

She's... dead.

I have to go.

Wait, where are you going?

I'm gonna go to a club I'm too young to get into

and listen to a band that's on a label

owned by the same parent company as the network.

Hey, who left their gender fluid in the shower?

So, what can I get for you sexy teens?

Um, how's the vegetarian lasagne?

Terrible, even at the best restaurants.

We'll have five of those.

It just doesn't make sense. Who would want to kill Meg?

Um, can we all be quiet?

We've been asked to nod our heads while the band plays

the song our parent company is aggressively marketing.

I can't even with this.