Not Going Out

This programme contains adult humour.

What's that? It's called a vegetable.

You should have some on top of your Wagon Wheel next time. It'll help with your rickets.

You've made your schoolgirl error there, haven't you?

Although generally accepted nowadays as a vegetable, the cucumber is in fact, a fruit.

You didn't know I was the font of all knowledge, did you? No, I had you down as a vegetable as well.

Why are you slicing them? I thought you were having a bath. It's for my eyes.

Better with... Or without? With... Or without?

Well, seeing as I'm looking at you... With!

Is this all in preparation for your big night out tonight?

I'm not going out. Yeah, you are, you've got a ticket to a concert.

A ticket to what concert, Lee?

A ticket to a concert I never told you about, tucked away at the bottom of my handbag?

That's a small venue. Who's on? Prince? Sorry I went in your bag.

A fundraiser came to the door, collecting for a diabetes charity.

It made me realise I really wanted a Mars bar.

How did you know I had a Mars bar in my bag?

You've always got a Mars bar in your bag.

Next time, you should have it with a bit of lettuce on top. It'll help with your hypocrisy.

Please don't root through my bag again. You're not my husband, you're my lodger.

How would you like it if I constantly rifled through your pockets?

If you must know, the ticket was an unwanted gift.

From who? 'Whom', Lee.

What, that Korean bloke down at the garage?

It was from Daisy. She's going to some 'battle of the bands' night.

But I've decided I don't want to go.

If you're not using the ticket, I might go. No, you can't. Why not?

Because last time you went to a music gig,

they all had spiked Mohicans and safety pins through their noses.

Yeah, well S Club 7 were better before they went all commercial.

Come on, let me have your ticket. No. All right, forget it then.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just that I promised I wouldn't tell you about it.

Promised who? One of the singers.

If it's Gina G, that restraining order expired years ago.

Look, it's Tim, all right?

Tim's joined a band and he doesn't want you there because he thinks you'll take the Mickey.

Tim? In a band? Yes. Your brother, Tim? Yes.

Tall fella, light hair? Is it that hard to imagine Tim fronting a band?

If it's a marching band and he's twirling a baton, no,

but a rock band? So why aren't you going to watch?

I just think it might be a bit embarrassing.

Your brother's going to be on stage, baring his soul to a hostile crowd.

It could be the single worst, most humiliating experience of his life,

and you don't want to see that?

It's going to be brilliant!

Come on. You know you want to.

Fine, I'll go on my own.

It'll be easier to throw tomatoes at him if you're not there to stop me.

Wow, you've just managed to name three vegetables in the last five minutes.

Two more, it'll be the first time in your life you've had your five a day.

Tomatoes are a fruit. Shut up!

Hard to imagine, isn't it? Tim backstage at a rock gig.

I wonder where he is?

There we go. A bag of dolly mixtures and Robinsons Fruit Shoot. I think we're getting close.

Listen, when we see him, don't say anything to undermine his confidence.

Lucy, give me some credit, he's my best mate. I'll just offer words of encouragement.

Good God! Ozzy Osbourne's been tangoed!

How did he find out about this?

It was on Radio One. They did a big feature about you. Did they?

Very funny. I'm sorry, Tim. What could I do? He found the ticket.

Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! When do we get to meet Willy Wonka?

I dunno, but I think we've just met a six foot Oompa-Loompa.

I accidentally laid out in the garden a bit too long.

What, until someone thought you were a bench and varnished you?

It's a spray tan for the act. Why? Are you bringing back the Minstrels?

You've criticised my skin and my dress sense. Anything else you'd like to take a pop at?

I'd go for the ear piercing. Sorry. I see you've gone for the left ear. That's the gay one, isn't it?

It's not actually because I Googled it. The right one's the gay ear.

How can you have a gay ear?

It's like having straight teeth.

Or bi-focals.

Very good.

Oh, yeah. Or a...

..lesbian ankle.

Well, at least I'm not sticking to the same look I've had since 1993.

You wouldn't know where to go for a piercing.

Yeah, exactly. But we do. Claire's Accessories.

Right dude, we're on next. Stop chatting up the ladies.

Though I can see why you'd been tempted. What's not to like?

Because it would be incest?

Well, wish me luck. Tim, are you sure you want to do this?

Yeah, why don't you forget all about it, go home and run yourself a nice hot bath of creosote remover.

Oh, you're really enjoying this, aren't you?

Well, just you wait until I'm out there on stage. You won't be enjoying it then.

HOPELESSLY OUT OF TUNE

CROWD BOOS

Blimey, they're not a very forgiving crowd, are they?

Forgiving? Jesus would find it hard not to throw his sandals.

You don't deserve to live!

Well, someone's got to be the Simon Cowell figure.

Boo! Boo!

Off! Off! Off!

That was Yellow Snow. CROWD: BOO!

Next up, give it up for The Auditors.

SPARSE CLAPPING

BOTTLE SMASHES

Sorry, darling. Didn't realise it was you.

He's not going to do banter with the crowd, is he?

Please, no. I told him to say just hello. Please just hello, Tim.

How do you do, London?

Oh, God.

Or perhaps I should say Blackpool. Why Blackpool?

Because now's the time for us to provide you with some rock!

I'm going to be sick.

I need to get out of here before he says, "Here's a little ditty".

And here's a little ditty

that goes by the name of Viva Las Vegas. Hit it!

This is great. Go, Tim!

Somewhere in a parallel universe, Alice Cooper is advising someone on the tax advantages of a cash ISA.

Did you write this one, darling?

Dance!

GUITAR SOLO

CROWD CHEERS

What a winker...

CHEERING

Here he is, the champion! Don't make me get security!

You were amazing, Tim. You so deserved to win.

Oh well, it was only the heat.

Yeah, but we're in the final now.

And if we win that, who knows what lies ahead.

Yeah, Tim, the future's bright, the future's... Shut it!

You not going to introduce your friends?

Oh no, it's fine, we all know each other.

This is Lee, Daisy, and I believe you two have already met.

Hope you didn't mind the kiss. Why me? There were so many other people in there?

I only saw you. You might want to get that checked out, it sounds like cataracts.

I'm Lucy, Tim's sister. Hi Lucy, Tim's sister. I'm Stretch.

Stretch? Where were you conceived, Parkhurst?

It's a childhood nickname, it stuck.

I like it, you know, the purity of it. If people can sum you up in one word.

I've got one.

Lots of big musicians only go by one name.

You know, Seal, Bono, Sting.

H from Steps. That's just one letter, how cool is that?

Well, why not go further? Prince changed his name to a symbol.

That's good, I like it. Maybe I'll do that.

Yeah, like that bloke from Guns 'n' Roses who changed it to a punctuation mark.

You know, Slash.

Maybe you could change yours to Apostrophe.

Or Comma. You certainly made me pause for breath.

Or Colon.

Tim tells me you're the brains behind the whole operation.

Yeah, I suppose you could see me as the Lennon of the band.

He doesn't mean the Russian leader. Otherwise he'd have said Marx.

You know, stretch marks.

If I'm John Lennon, that makes you the poppy one, Tim, McCartney.

So if we're John and Paul, Daisy must be... Oh, I know. Roger.

What? Sorry, are we not doing the twelve disciples?

The Beatles. And if I'm Paul McCartney, that makes you my girlfriend, Jane Asher.

Yeah, or Heather Mills.

Or Jane Asher. Or I could be Linda McCartney.

Jane Asher. Be Jane Asher.

See, I think I prefer... You're Jane Asher!

We need to find a role for you.

If I'm John Lennon, how about making you, Yoko?

Oh, good God.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Mark Chapman, pleased to meet you.

Well, I thought you were amazing. And to think I nearly didn't come until Lee talked me into it.

It's true. She was going to spend the evening in a bath with a cucumber.

Anyway, I'm going to have a quick chat with George and Ringo.

I'll see you later, alligator.

In a while... dickhead.

I'm taking it you didn't enjoy tonight then?

You were all right. Everyone likes a novelty act.

Jedward, Mr Blobby, Keith Harris and Orville.

Are you sure it's not just the green-eyed monster talking, Lee?

That's what I always thought, but actually Keith Harris does the talking.

The monster just moves its mouth.

Piece of shit!

What are you doing? Just fancied a jam. Thought I'd try out a few licks.

And what did you do after you'd finished licking the jam?

Is that when the borrower came in and lent you his violin?

It's all they had in the Cancer Research shop.

You just bought that? Why?

Do you need a reason to save a life?

You'll have to make yourself scarce tomorrow.

I told Stretch he can use this place to rehearse with the band.

Why are you letting a loser like that hang around the flat?

Force of habit?

You got back late last night. I went back to Stretch's place.

Oh, yeah? There were a few of us there, it wasn't just me.

What was it, a drugs orgy?

No. Stretch doesn't do drugs. Says it restricts his flow.

I have the same problem with scotch eggs.

So what did you do? Nothing much.

Stretch played us some songs he'd written.

They were really good, actually. Reminded me of Nick Drake.

Oh, get lost! He's a sad old waste of space who still thinks he's 17.

If he's Nick Drake, I'm Donald Duck.

Well, if you insist on sitting round with no trousers and making an incomprehensible racket...

And he's not a waste of space. He also manages to work for a living.

Well, he's meant to be a sailor, but you never see him on a ship. Not Donald Duck.

So if I sing a song or play the guitar, it's annoying.

But if Stretch does it, it's cool.

Yes, because Stretch is a real musician, in an actual band, who play proper gigs.