M*A*S*H

Park him right there, Kellye.

Sturgis, since you called ahead,

this one will be yours.

A bed with a view of your buddy.

Thanks a lot, doc.

Thank you.

He's not as bad as he looks, is he?

Think he's gonna be okay.

It's a little early to tell for sure.

Well, you guys are great with the "no‐answer" answers.

Only when that's all we have.

Then let me give you the answer.

Dan's gonna make it.

He's not cashing it in over some hill with a number on it.

Hold on to those good thoughts.

I just hope I can stay awake.

I'd like to be the first person he sees when he comes to.

You just rest easy.

And remember, the bathroom is one flight down.

‐Sturgis' friend, what's his name? ‐Lowry.

Lowry. He doesn't look too good, huh?

His pressure's down, his pulse and respiration are both rapid

and his temperature's spiked at 102.

They don't sound like words to live by.

He's still losing blood.

I can't go in while that infection's still there.

Just have to keep an eye on him and hope.

We won't be the only ones.

‐(knocking) ‐The welcome mat is lit.

Klinger said you wanted to see me, Colonel.

Indeed I do. I've got some good news,

and I want to deliver it person to parson.

Ah, good news. Well, what can it be?

Just a few minutes ago I got a call from Command.

Does the name James Reardon

cause anything to ring in your belfry?

James... Cardinal Reardon?

The very same. The honcho padre himself.

Well, I heard he was touring Korea.

Did you also hear that the 4077 was on his agenda?

What a wonderful stroke of luck!

‐When? ‐Sunday morning.

Sunday morning?

What rotten luck!

Padre, you can strip your gears

changing into reverse that fast.

You oughta be pleased as punch.

The cardinal will be able to feast his ears

on one of your whiz‐bang sermons.

Colonel Potter, that's only two days from now!

Any sermon I could possibly come up with that fast

won't be a whiz‐banger.

Nonsense. The first commandment for being a good padre

is having a little faith in yourself.

I'm sure you'll come up with something

that'll knock the cardinal's cassock off.

But there are so many other things to think about!

This isn't just some run‐of‐the‐mill monsignor.

Oh, if only you'd given me this two‐day notice

a couple of weeks ago.

Hold onto your hosannas, Father.

I'll have Klinger make sure

everything is perfecto for the cardinal's arrival.

Come on, baby. Roll 'em right.

Rizzo's gonna win tonight.

‐Come on, patsies. ‐(men grumbling)

Deposit your legal tenders in the Bank of Rizzo.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right, roll' em. Bring those bones out.

Howdee‐do, boys.

Ain't this a wonderful happenstance?

Here I am with the padre,

and there you boys are down on your knees.

Don't worry, sir.

The rest of these pigeons ain't got a prayer.

Rizzo, this sort of thing just won't do!

We're just having a little crap game.

For cryin' out loud, it's payday.

But the cardinal is coming!

No problem there.

His money's as good as the next man's.

Colonel, would you do something?

All right, boys, you know this is against regs.

Sergeant, I'm ordering you and your motor pool mafia

to put this floating crap game into drydock.

Whatever you say, sir.

The first thing I'm gonna do when we get home

is take that Merc down off the blocks.

We're gonna go cruisin' right over to Green Bay

and pick up a couple of waitresses

at the all‐you‐can‐eat place. Right, Dan?

I knew you'd remember that.

Oh, hi, docs. Hey, you know what?

It seemed like his lightbulb went on there for a second.

That's a good sign, huh?

For some people, waking up is a good sign.

For others, going to sleep is. Why don't you turn in?

Well, if Dan comes to, you make sure you wake me.

We'll drum reveille on your cast.

Wish I could be as optimistic as his buddy is.

We're still getting blood through the N. G. Tube.

You gonna go in again?

I think I'll wait another day.

Right now neither of us has the stomach for it.

‐(chatter) ‐RIZZO: Yahoo!

Holy chitlins. It's a raid.

Rizzo! I can't express the depth of my disappointment!

Colonel Potter made it perfectly clear

he didn't want to see another game.

Mmm. That's why we moved in here.

All I'm asking is that you put a stop to it for a couple of days.

Father, please, try and see my side of it.

What if peace is declared tomorrow

and they ship us all home

before I have a chance to shear these sheep?

Rizzo, what's at stake here

is more than a few crummy dollars.

We're talking about enrichment of the soul.

Father Mulcahy's a good man.

The least we can do is put away our petty vices.

Thank you, Corporal.

‐RIZZO: Hey, Klinger. ‐Let's go, Father.

Where's that five bucks from this morning's game?

Ohh!

His temperature's down a degree, doctor.

Better, but still in the tropical zone.

‐How's the hematocrit? ‐Still low. 28.

‐Margaret, set up another unit. ‐Okay.

‐Better make that a double. ‐Hey, what's going on?

Nothing much. We're just gonna give your friend another transfusion.

If you're looking for blood, you're in the right place.

Dan and I are both A‐positive.

Sorta makes us blood brothers.

‐What do you think? ‐Why not? Let's do a C. B. C.,

and if he can afford it, we'll take a pint and gift‐wrap it.

You can sign the card.

Evening, Father.

Can I get you a little Bible belt?

I'm afraid I'm not in the mood

for jocularity, Igor.

I have a favor to ask.

Ask, and ye shall receive.

Do you suppose, on this one occasion

you might do me the courtesy of removing that, uh...

that pulchritudinous display?

Father, are you kidding me?

You take down Mona, and I could get court martialed.

Worse yet, I could get my teeth kicked in.

Where's Colonel Potter?

Over in the corner.

So the girl said to the third guy,

"You must be the Boy Scout, because you're the one

who helped me across the street."

Boy, that ain't the way I heard it.

I don't want to hear it the way you heard it,

and neither does the padre.

Padre? Ahh! Father Mulcahy.

Pull up a pew and have a few.

Look at this place. It's a den of iniquity.

Don't think of it as a den, Father.

Think of it more as a rec room.

You promised to make sure everyone behaved themselves

like civilized human beings.

Yesterday was payday, Padre.

Folks need to let off a little steam.

The cardinal won't be here until tomorrow.

By then, there'll be nothing to ruffle his feathers.

The morning services will be a shambles.

Everyone'll be hung over,

reeking with liquor, unshaven, unkempt...

Hold your ponies, Padre. I'm way ahead of you.

I already set a 12:00 curfew for this evening,

to be followed by a bed check.

I saw that. You dealt off the bottom.

Nobody calls me a cheat!

Stop this at once!

You should all be ashamed!

Is it asking so much

that you control yourselves for two lousy days?

Instead, you seem to be going out of your way

to make things miserable for me!

Well, you're all a bunch of...

stinkers!

Down to 99.8.

Mm‐hmm. Lungs are clearing up.

Sturgis, I think your buddy's gonna be just fine.

Didn't I tell you he was gonna pull through?

And I got you guys to thank for it.

Hey, all we did was give him the medicine.

You talked him into getting better.

Now I can stop whatever bleeding is still going on

and give him a final fill‐up.

So what are you waiting for?

Like I said, I got plenty on tap.

Dr. Pierce is cross‐matching your blood right now.

Great!

Good news, Hawk.

Lowry's turned a corner.

He's in the slow lane, but he's gonna be fine.

That's great. Good.