My Left Nut - First Season

What is it, anyway? Did I do that?

Or was it always there? I should probably tell someone.

No, fuck that, I can't.

It's all Tommy's fault I found it in the first place.

Here, do you ever stick your finger up yer bum?

What? What are you on about, Tommy?

Well, I was up in the Gaeltacht last summer, right,

and I was getting with this absolute beauty.

You're such a spoofer.

No, I'm serious, right?

She was speaking away to me in Irish,

well, I haven't a clue what she was talkin' about,

but it was so hot.

You only find the Irish language sexy because your da was in the Ra.

My da wasn't in the IRA.

Then how come we found a box full of balaclavas under your stairs?

Cos he gets cold, he's got weak blood vessels.

Anyway...! We was out in one of the fields, right,

and things start to get a bit hot and heavy, do you know what I mean?

And she starts making all these Irish sex noises.

She asks me a question, I just nod my head. I can't even speak,

I'm in that much ecstasy, and next thing I know...

She shoves her finger right up my hole!

In your bum?! Tommy, that's stinkin'!

I'm telling you, it is unbelievable.

I'm addicted.

So now, like, once or twice a week, I sit down and really treat myself.

I put on some Sinead O'Connor

and explore the depths of my rect... Get away!

Rachael.

Need a hand? Aye, good one.

What do you have this for?

Art. It's for drawing,

so you have a reference.

So...can I have it back?

Yeah.

Ahhhh! My hand! No-o-o-o-o!

Fucking hell. MICK CHUCKLES

So, er, where's yous off to? Tescos, to grab some lunch.

Do you want to come with? What? With you?

Only if you're free. If you don't want to, it's fine. No, no, no...

Here, Mick! Ask them if they're up for a bit of anal play!

Not with you anyway, you wee rat! Let's go, Rachael.

You love it, Siobhan!

What the hell was that, Tommy? They love it!

No, they don't, you spoon! You scared them off!

He's right. Look, you'll never get a bird like that, Tommy.

You need to be more sensitive.

See, that's what Niamh likes about me.

When are we ever going to meet this Niamh?

She's very busy down in Newry.

Why don't you bring her up to Belfast for once?

You and Niamh, me and Siobhan, and Mick and Rachael.

She's well into you, man. Not any more, you dickhead.

Nah, she is.

Do you reckon?

Do you see that wooden hand?

I bet she shoves that right up her doot.

Oh, piss off!

THEY LAUGH

Maybe Rachael does like me,

but Tommy is always talking shite -

like this finger-up-the-bum craic.

What's that about?

I've never heard of sticking your finger up your bum before.

But then...

..I've never been with a girl either.

But if Tommy's doing it, maybe everyone's doing it.

And if everyone's doing it, I'm not going to be

the one weirdo who's not doing it!

I'm testing out the back door system.

MUSIC FADES

What's that?!

What IS that?

Was that always there?

Shit, did I do that? Was I wanking too hard?

Michael! Dinner!

Yeah.

Sure, we always knew she was like that - it's all fur coat with her.

Still a couple of stalls to fill at this bloody charity thing.

Don't know why I'm doing it in the first place.

Oh, my God, are you serious?!

Here, two seconds.

Mum, I'm finished. Can I be excused?

Me, too.

What about the dishes?

Bagsy not me!

You're slow off the mark today. You feeling OK?

Yeah. Grand.

You've barely touched your dinner, do you not like it?

Father Donal likes it when I cook it for him.

Why do we always have to eat leftovers from a priest?

Because I get paid to cook for him

and, if he has leftovers, they're not going to go to waste.

There's people starving all over this world. Now, come on.

They'll put hairs on your chest.

What, are you not hungry?

Hmm. Oh, for God's sake, fine, leave it.

I'll do these, you go on up and do your homework. Honest to God.

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

Ye-o, ten kills! Suck my hairy ballbag!

How are you on ten already? Ah, shite.

I've got magic fingers, just ask your ma.

My ma says you're shite. Oh, come on, come on!

Tommy and Conor's ma, ye-e-o! Ah, your ma's your da, Mick!

Conor, don't be like that!

Ah, shit. I didn't mean to bring up your da.

It's grand. It's just what you say.

I know, but...

Oh, fuck's sake, Mick, that was never a kill!

Um, here, lads...

What?

Well, um...

Yes, shotgun, sweet!

Well...

HE STUTTERS I was trying out, you know,

earlier on, the pokey bum wank thing and...

You stinker! You actually tried that?!

No, I was going to, but...

You're absolutely rotten. Why would you even do that?

Ye-o! My influence spreads far and wide.

It's good, isn't it?!

Well, I didn't actually...

Yes! Yes! Got you, Mick, you're dead!

Ah, shit.

Ha, you can't play properly with all that shite on your fingers!

What?!

It was your idea, Tommy! Anyway...

It's not about that. It was afterwards... Ye-o-o!

Shitey Fingers Mick! I found... Shitey Fingers Mick...

Can you just shut up for two seconds? I'm trying to...

Shitey Fingers Mick! Shitey Fingers Mick! Fuck off!

CONTROL CLATTERS Pricks.

DOOR OPENS

What's all that effin' and blinding about? Nothin'.

What is wrong with you this evening?

Come on, there's clearly something wrong. What's up?

How did Dad first know he was sick?

You want to know about that?

I've just been thinking about it.

Well, um...

..it was around Easter, um...

..when he realised something was wrong,

so that was... That was...what?

About a year, year and a half before he died.

Because we were on holiday in Donegal, in Jackson's...

Do you remember Jackson's Hotel in Ballybofey?

The one where you wet the bed? Mum!

Well, uh, yeah, we were there

and, uh, we were in the pool...and he...

..couldn't lift his arm to make a stroke.

Yeah, I gave off stink to him, you know, I just kept saying,

"Oh, in the name of God, Jimmy, when was the last time you were swimming?

"You're not fit, you need to join a gym! Blah, blah, blah, blah..." But...

No, he was... SHE SIGHS

He was obviously worried that the feeling in his arm, you know...

..it wasn't right.

PHONE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

HE EXHALES

What has you thinking about your dad?

You've... You've never really...spoken about him before.

I-I don't know.

Don't remember much about him.

Well...

Anything you want to know, you just ask, OK?

Any time you want, we'll talk about him.

Big eejit that he was.

PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE

I'll get it!

Or you can talk to him.

He won't talk back, but...

..he's listening.

Mick! It's Tommy for you!

What does he want? I don't know, do I?

You know, I could ask Father Donal to talk to you.

I'm not talking to a priest.

All right, Tommy? Why aren't you answering your phone?

Making me ring your house phone like a weirdo.

Least I got to speak to your sister, though.

She's gaggin' for the ride! TOMMY GIGGLES

Shut up. What do you want? Well, I've got big news,

but you bitched out of the game before I could tell you.

You've got a date this Saturday!

A date, what?

Aye, I got onto Siobhan. Me and her, you and Rachael,

hitting up the cinema. Are you serious?

Rachael actually said she wanted to go with me, like? Well...

I mean, I didn't actually speak to Rachael. Siobhan's sorting it.

OK, OK. Wow. Class. What's on?

Well, it doesn't matter what film's on, you spanner!

Dark room, back row, cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box.

No-one actually does that, do they?

Well, I mean, they don't actually do the popcorn box thing, but...

..it's just a bit of wee hand-shandy in the cinema...

Everyone's doing it!

Siobhan and Rachael are well up for it, man! See you the morra!

CALL DISCONNECTS

A date?! With Rachael?! Fucking right!

But what if she wants to touch my ball?