A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something appealing, something appalling

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Nothing for kings

Nothing for crowns

Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns

Old situations, new complications

Nothing portentous or polite

Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight

Something convulsive, something repulsive

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something aesthetic, something frenetic

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Nothing of gods, nothing of fate

Weighty affairs will just have to wait

Our principal characters live... on this street,

in a less fashionable suburb of Rome, in these three houses.

First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man,

abroad now in search of his children, stolen in infancy by pirates.

Something erratic, something dramatic

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the flesh of beautiful women.

That's for those of you who have no interest in pirates.

Something for everyone.

A comedy tonight

And, finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son.

Also in this house dwells Pseudolus, slave to his son.

Pseudolus is my favourite character in the piece...

a role of enormous variety and nuance,

and played by an actor of such versatility, such magnificent range, such...

Let me put it this way... I play the part.

Something familiar, something peculiar

Something for everyone: a comedy tonight

Something that's gaudy, something that's bawdy

Something for everybody's taste

Pantaloons and tunics

Courtesans and eunuchs

Funerals and chases

Baritones and basses

- Panderers - Philanderers

- Cupidity - Timidity

- Mistakes - Fakes

- Rhymes - Mimes

Tumblers, grumblers, fumblers, bumblers

No royal curse, no Trojan Horse

And there's a happy ending of course

Goodness and badness

Man in his madness

This time it all turns out all right

Tragedy tomorrow

Comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy, comedy

Comedy tonight

Hup! Hie!

You, boy. Why are we stopping? Hurry up.

My dear and noble neighbours, my apologies.

Since moving in next door I've been remiss in not calling to pay my respects.

However, it is our inaugural week, and you know what that is.

I certainly do not. Move on.

All right, don't stand. Move. Move! Hup.

A common flesh pedlar in the house next to ours. Disgusting!

Disgraceful. All that revolting flesh, just next door.

- Make way for the house of Senex. - Senex, wait.

Wait.

Is this not Pseudolus, your slave? He was parading as a citizen.

Believe me, mistress, I was not parading. I was walking humbly like a slave.

He invited us to game with him. He cheated us out of nine minae.

- Nine? I took seven. - Return nine.

One. Two. Three. Four. I'm being cheated out of the money I won fairly.

- Pseudolus. - Seven. Eight.

- Where's five and six? - I'm coming to them. Nine. Five. Six.

Thank you, citizens. Do not fear, he will be punished.

- Farewell. - Farewell.

- Now... - I know, I should be whipped.

Gently. However, my intentions were of the noblest.

Hearing that you were visiting your dear mother,

I wanted to purchase a remembrance... some bath essence, a new spear.

Fifty more lashes for lying.

You were doing what you always do... seeking money to buy your freedom.

Freedom? Oh, madam, who would want to be free of you?

Who indeed?

- Hysterium? - My mistress calls.

Slave-in-chief, drag this man home and beat him without mercy.

- I shall be brutal. - Good. Up.

We go to buy a breeder slave. Attend to him, Hysterium, my slave of slaves.

I live to grovel. I shall lash him to pulp. I shall wear out eight whips.

Strong men will blanch. My arm will...

Come along. They're all from Gaul and they're all from Egypt.

You, sir... and you.

Come along now, gents. They're all fresh in today. Don't waste my time.

No? Try Fertilla the Populator. 300 pounds of fertile flesh.

Has produced 18 healthy little slaves, and is capable of producing 18 more.

You won't regret it.

Oh!

It is time we were gone. Senex?

Hysterium?

Ah, here you are. And there I am. A gift for my mother on the anniversary of her birth.

104 and not an organ in working condition.

- Will it please her? - The craftsmanship is superb.

- And the likeness? - Frightening.

We go.

Hysterium, here are my husband's final instructions. Watch over our son Hero.

Keep him cheerful, well fed and far from the opposite sex.

He must learn sometime.

When that time comes, you shall teach him... what little you know.

Above all, do not let his eyes stray to that house next door. I hold you responsible.

- Rather than let you down, I would die. - That is what I had in mind.

- Furthermore... - We are on our way.

- We are on our way. - Come, Senex. Carry my bust with pride.

Yes, dear. A lesson to remember: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Thank you, sir.

- Where is Hero? - He's in his room, studying with his tutor.

"The sun and the moon revolve around the Earth, as do the four planets."

"Above all there is a great blue bowl, which is the sky. There are many stars..."

"..capable of much pleasure, among which the brushing of a flower..."

"Many stars have been named by the Egyptian astronomers,

but we have developed our modern system of astronomy from the Greeks."

Who, as you know, were very poor scholars.

"The Earth is a flat platform of ground that meets..."

Take this message of my love to she who has captured my heart.

That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone else. Almost everyone.

We caught your runaway slave. Now he dare challenge our right to execute him.

I'm a family slave. What's the good of that if you're executed by strangers?

- He is correct. We shall torture him. - See how they look after their own?

Hold your tongue. Thank you, Officer.

Now, what can we devise? Something suitable and lingering.

- May I suggest...? - You may not.

- Hang him. - Hanging is too good for him.

- Much too good. - By the feet?

That doesn't hurt much.

Hanging by the feet while being lashed. They hate that.

They should hate that. If I suggest that we try to find some other method,

it is only because I happen to be completely impervious to physical pain,

and I can't stand the thought of spoiling your pleasure.

- I thought you were impervious to pain. - Not my own.

Ah!

- You like him? - I like him.

Have him. Congratulations, your life has been spared.

May it be long, healthy and productive.

Productive as a breeder?

Hang me.

This is your house. Come, come.

Well, visit at any time, dear neighbour.

No obligation to buy, just come in and browse.

Senex! Come away from that house of shame.

I was only just standing here and saying "Shame, shame."

For your own good, Hysterium, look after Hero.

Shh!

- What brings you up here? - I was trying to get in...

In there? You must never know what goes on in that house.

- But I do know. - You do? Isn't it amazing?

- Pseudolus, I'm in love! - Well, that's very...

In love? You? Who is she?

Sometimes you can see her in that window.

A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

- Is that disgraceful? - It doesn't sound like an achievement.

I don't care. I will give anything for her. Anything.

- You really love that girl? - Oh!

I like the way you said that.

Master Hero, you cannot buy her... at your age you're not allowed to buy her...

but suppose someone with tremendous cunning could arrange for her to be yours.

Yes.

If that someone could arrange it, what would you give me?

I will give you everything I own.

But what do you own? 20 minae, a collection of seashells... and me.

Yes.

Forget about the minae and the seashells. Just give me me.

- Give you you? - My freedom.

Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Be the first, start a fashion.

- Get me that girl. - And if I do?

- You are free. - I am what?

- Free. - Free!

If I've told you once I've told you a hundred times,

do not fan the girls when they're wet!

But you'll never learn. You'll be a eunuch all your life.

Oh! You bitch!

I know that sound. And I love it.

Ugh! You. How did you come into money?

An unexpected legacy.

My uncle Simo, the Carthaginian elephant breeder, came to an untimely end.

He was crushed to death on the last day of the mating season.

- This morning I bought my freedom. - Congratulations... citizen.

With this much left over for one gross indulgence.

Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion.

I say in all modesty, I have an assortment of beauty second to none, and... Who?

My former young master. Thought I'd further his education.

He's bored with picture books. You understand?

Who better than I? Come in, little boy, won't you?

Eunuchs, quickly. A buyer!

Was 1 a good year?

Now, for your approval and possible purchase, from out of the East,

with the face of an idol, the arms of a willow tree, the pelvis of a camel:

Tintinabula.

Was this the one?

No.

Don't you have anyone in there a bit less noisy?

I have.