Twisted Metal

Twenty years ago, the world fell to shit.

A big ole apocalyptic dump.

Some bug took out all the world's computers.

Power grids down, the Internet gone!

And not having easily accessible porn

freaked people the fuck out!

So, cities put up walls to protect themselves

and threw the criminals out into the chaos

so they could fight over what was left,

which was not much, mostly cars and guns.

Now insiders stay inside and outsiders stay outside.

But there are people who drive between,

badasses, legends, humble motherfuckers like me

delivering precious cargo from one walled city to another.

It's not an easy road

because all these assholes want what I got.

And that's where the cars and the guns come in.

**

How about some tunes?

Evelyn, may I have this dance?

**

* So you wanna be a rock superstar *

* and live large *

* A big house Five cars *

* You're in charge Coming up in the world *

* Don't trust nobody *

* Gotta look over your shoulder constantly *

Holy shit!

- Okay, I got Barry, so who's left?

Gary, Larry. Got it.

* You ever have big dreams of makin' big cream *

* Big shot heavy hitter in the Bentley *

* Be a snob and never act friendly *

* You wanna have big fame Let me explain *

* What happens to these stars and their big brains *

Don't you do it!

Don't you even think about it!

No!

* Then you get dissed by the media and fans *

* Things never stay the same way they began *

* I heard that some never give full to the fullest *

* That's while fools end up dining on the bullet *

* Think everything's fine in the big time *

* See me in my Lex' with the chrome raised high *

Where the hell is this exit?

It's like a goddamn maze in here.

So, if I'm here, then the exit is...

Oh, they have a Footlocker!

Oh! Son of a bitch!

* Gained fame started gettin' ignored *

* I warned him Assured him *

* this ain't easy take it from Weezy *

* Sleezy people wanna be so cheesy *

* the fuckin' lethal *

* Assassins Assassins *

* So you wanna be a rock superstar *

* and live large *

* A big house Five cars *

* You're in charge Coming up in the world *

* Don't trust nobody *

* Gotta look over your shoulder constantly *

* At night I think of you *

* I want to be your lady baby *

* If your game is on You need to call *

Hey there!

ID!

It's the milkman. It must be our delivery.

- Yeah, they know me. I'm here all the time.

Hey, Doug! - Hey, John.

He's new. - A virgin?

Oh, I got a big package for you.

All the way from Paso Robles.

Some vultures wanted it real bad,

but not bad enough. You know what I mean?

Hey, that better be unleaded 93 in there;

91 gives Evelyn the squirts.

Payment's been placed in the trunk.

And we have new deliveries for you to, um, deliver.

- You're such a lamb. Where to?

- Fresh batteries for the Gainsboro Colony

and the usual shipment of medicine

to New San Francisco. - New San Fran?

It's been a month already? - Um-hmm.

- Time makes a fool of us all.

What's your name, slugger?

- Abner. - Abner? Really?

I mean, it's a nice name, but you don't meet too many--

well, anyway. Come here, Abner.

How about you let me, uh, slip inside...

- Outside-- you stay outside!

- Hey, take it easy. Relax!

Atta boy.

All right, this has been a gas.

I'll see your shiny faces in a month.

Until then, Abner, eat up!

- What'd the milkman bring us this time?

Tonight, we feast!

See, a milkman's job is never done.

It's a big world out there, but at the end of the day

all that matters is me, Evelyn, and the road.

**

* How many special people change *

* How many lives are living strange *

No way!

It's the Bosch Icon Premiere windshield wipers!

Ha-ha! Mwah!

* Slowly walking down the hall *

* Faster than a cannonball *

* Where were you while we were getting high *

* Someday you will find me *

* Caught beneath the landslide *

- Oh! Get off!

- Give me the package, Milkman!

Goddamn vultures!

See that?

Tension spring is keeping the blades flexible

for premium wiping performance.

Oh...

**

* Wake up the dawn and ask her why *

* A dreamer dreams she never dies *

* Wipe that tear now from your eyes *

Let's go!

Come on!

Let's go! Come on!

* Faster than a cannonball *

* Where were you while we were getting high *

* Someday you will find me *

* Caught beneath the landslide *

* And a champagne supernova in the sky *

It must be nice.

* Someday you will find me *

Oh...

* Caught beneath the landslide *

* And a champagne supernova *

* A champagne supernova *

At least I was a cute kid.

**

**

Damn, look at all these pedestrians, Ev.

All right, time to turn on the charm.

Lookin' real efficient today, Bill.

Welcome back, John.

- Got a fresh box of insulin for you.

Life must be good if the diabetes are that bad.

Oh! For me?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

You're coming home with me, baby.

What am I taking to San Diego for you?

Stop!

The COO of New San Francisco wants to talk to you.

Inside.

Like inside inside?

Let him through!

Open the gate!

Holy fuck!

**

Clear the perimeter!

**

You can park over there.

Whew!

Y'all got some big-ass trucks, huh?

All right.

Wait. Oh. Oh, shit!

Oh! Wait!

Oh, shit! Oh-oh boy!

Make sure I leave you enough room

to get out, you know?

All right, here we go. Okay.

There we go. Whoo!

Okay.

Strip.

Oh, shit!

**

All right.

All right.

Guess I'm not getting that knife back am I?

Lemony fresh, what's next?

Hi, John.

I'm Raven, COO of New San Francisco.

Let me get you a drink.

So, tell me, what's it like on the outside?

I'm sure you've got some stories.

- Stories? Of course, I do.

Okay, how about this one?

Once upon a time there was a milkman.

Charming, devilishly handsome, you know the type.

Well, he was an outsider.

Then one day a miracle happened.

He was invited inside.

For no reason other than to have a beer with a mysterious,

mildly intimidating little white lady.

Ta-da! - Fair enough.

We get a lot of milkmen coming around here.

Mm!

- But none have come more than twice.

You, on the other hand, have come dozens of times.

You're consistent, reliable, you got a solid ass.

Boom!

- I want to hire you. - To do what exactly?