Twisted Metal

Oh, my God.

That's hot.

If my mom weren't such a stupid bitch, I'd do it, too.

At least she's good for one thing.

No way.

Oh, my God, I've been dying for a ciggy all day.

Me, too.

I heard Gwyneth Paltrow smokes, like, two packs a day.

Oh, my God.

Hello, there, ladies.

I saw that.

I get it.

You wanna be adults, and that makes sense,

two beautiful young women.

Sketchy much?

- No, I was just giving you a compliment.

Okay, perv,

you're old enough to be my dad.

Eww.

- And you're old enough to know the law.

Now, give me the cigarettes, and I'll forget about this.

- Or what? You'll arrest us?

I mean, you're just some mall cop.

- No, I'm-I'm-I'm a member of the Topeka P.D.

Oh, ooh.

Oh, my God. - I'm calling my mom.

She's a lawyer.

- I thought she didn't pass the bar.

Shut up, Bianca.

What the hell?

I knew I should've gotten a Razr.

- What the fuck? - What's going on?

- Free money! - Oh, my god.

Oh, hell, yeah!

* I know it's up for me *

* If you steal my sunshine *

* Making sure I'm not in too deep *

* If you steal my sunshine *

* Keeping versed and on my feet *

* If you steal my sunshine *

- That's for not doing what you're told.

Yeah, follow directions!

- Why don't you stay in the car?

Strip 'em and zip 'em.

- I'm gonna take your jacket off, okay?

I'll give it back to you when we're all done.

And your gloves, too, actually.

- Stu, you don't have to explain.

Just do it. - Okay.

Let me know if it's too tight.

- Hands up, please. - Stop saying, "Please."

- Okay, sorry. - Hey, there.

Oh, yeah, that wound is still fresh, huh?

Hmm...

Tell me, tough guy, this your main squeeze,

or is this some sort of transactional arrangement?

Send 'em down the purple line.

You got it, boss.

**

**

- Oh, my God. It's a DMV.

- A what? - You have been detained

for driving without an open road license.

You will now be issued a license.

If you decline, you will walk the red line.

If you are caught driving without a license again,

you will walk the red line.

What's down the red line?

No, no, wait!

Cool, screams.

Take 'em away.

Have fun, losers.

- Just to be clear, I fucking hate you.

Same.

**

- Open, you stupid trunk. Damn.

Cocoa butter?

Mike, you ever tried cocoa butter?

- Tried it? - Ugh.

- Come on. - Just fuckin'--

Come on.

- Hey, do-do you think Agent Stone is kinda intense?

I do not like it when he smiles.

- Shepard already gave me the lowdown on Stone, okay?

He's a legit hero.

Get this, when the fall happened, right,

this terrorist group took over this man's hometown.

This guy stepped up himself

and single handedly annihilated everybody

with extreme prejudice.

Extreme prejudice, cool.

Fuck.

Man, you need to fix this shit.

Yoo-hoo, Mikey-Mike.

Mmm, what's up?

I really love the way you tased that twat like...

Ahh!

- Uh-oh. Speaking of twats...

What you got there, big guy?

- You know, you-you can just call me Stu,

and it's trash.

Well, you know, uh,

as Stone says, one man's trash is a--

Is what?

Oh, Goddamn.

- Hey, how'd you know that old ratty cop out there,

Shepard or whatever?

So, we're back to this now?

Fine, I can play the quiet game, too.

W-why won't you talk?

Why won't you talk? Why won't you talk?

Why won't you talk? - Why do you talk so much?

- Look, this mouth has gotten me out

of a lotta sticky situations.

- Eww. - Not like that.

I mean, that happened, too.

Look, out here, silence can get you killed.

- Silence has kept me alive. - Oh, yeah?

So, why'd you tell that cop to eat your ass?

Well, hello.

It's a mystery how our paths just keep crossing.

My men say

you have a darling little voice.

I'm excited to hear what comes out of it.

Go ahead, drink up.

Where we're sitting,

there once flowed a powerful river.

Then they built this architectural marvel.

My father used to bring me here for the tour

when I was a child.

The tour was a bit dry.

Ha!

- Just a little dam humor for ya.

But now, the roads have all become wild rivers,

so I'm building my own blockade, a dam, if you will.

It runs from Southern Arizona

all the way to the Canadian wastes,

but the only way through...

is here.

Wow, cool story.

There's been a misunderstanding, all right?

I'm not a criminal.

I'm a milkman on a delivery.

Now I know you got a beef with the girl.

Pfft, that ain't got nothin' to do with me, right?

- I don't give a fuck about your delivery.

What I do give a fuck about,

is how you would happen to have this.

I have spent decades building outposts and checkpoints,

but this map manages to avoid damn near every one.

I want the name of your cartographer.

My carta-ta-- my what?

Your mapmaker.

- Oh, no, man. I found that

on the side of the road, dude.

Come on. You want it, take it.

- You really think I'm that stupid?

- No. No, no, no, no, no, not at all.

I know how this world works, officer.

- A little respect, I appreciate that,

but for the record, it's Agent.

- Even better, Agent, uh, Stone.

I didn't know this map avoided your routes.

I did not know.

Now, I do know.

So, how about I get one of those licenses

I keep hearing so much about,

and I go on my merry way?

Whoa!

Why'd you do that?

Oh, that was unnecessary.

- Couldn't even do it yourself.

- We'll revisit that attitude in a few hours.

Can't wait.

**

- Get the name of the mapmaker.

One leak could bring the whole dam down.

- Come on, come on, hurry.

- Let's go. - Get in back.

Don't matter if it's legal.

That's the last one.

- Hey, neighbor, need some help?

Thanks, Margie.

How are you and Rick holding up?

- Oh, it's scary out there.

Looters hit us the other day.

We went to the station for help, but...

The station burned down.

Yeah, bastards torched it on Tuesday.

It's every man for himself.

Margie, what are you doing?

Rick, get in here!

Get the gun.

Sorry, bro.

- Check the back for his rifles.

Check the cabinets, too!

Ain't nothing back here but "Juggs!"

- Of what? Of-of water?

No, like the magazine,

two Gs, big boob porn.