Late Night

In 1991, she became the first female

late-night talk-show host on a major network.

'Tonight with Katherine Newbury'

is the gold standard...

She has hosted over 6,000 episodes,

winning 43 Primetime Emmy Awards...

She's brilliant.

She is excellence without compromise.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage...

- Three, two. - ..This year's recipient

of the American Humor Award, Katherine Newbury.

Thank you so much for this incredible honour,

although I do have to say

I think America is in

a tough spot if it's giving

this amazing award for American comedy to an Englishwoman.

I guess they're right -

foreigners are taking all your jobs.

I mean, what happened?

Is there no one funny left in the country?

Is Martin Short dead?

What about Jerry Seinfeld?

Or how about Alec Baldwin?

I mean, come on!

Did someone blow up the Hamptons?

Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here

because 28 years ago,

you gave me the greatest honour of my life.

You made me the host

of 'Tonight with Katherine Newbury'.

Oh, God.

I have hated many pairs of shoes in my time,

but none more than these.

And everything hurts. I'm in hell.

- How are you? - I liked your speech.

But you have notes. I know you have notes.

My only note is to drink as much as you want.

I ran into Steve Martin. He sends his love.

He sends his love?! Jesus Christ.

How sick do people think I am?

Oh, please don't die before I get home.

I haven't got the strength to organise your funeral.

- Go party. - Are you kidding?

My Spanx have actually cut off the blood supply to my head.

I'm going to bed.

- Good night, my love. - I'll see you tomorrow.

You know what I hate?

Those friends who are like, "Oh, can you take off your shoes?"

Nope, not taking 'em off.

You know why?

'Cause this is not Japan.

It's the United States of America.

Next time you go to a friend's house

and that friend says, "Ooh, hold on,

"can you take your shoes off?" here's what you do.

You take one of their shoes,

and you take a shit in it, alright?

Right in front of them.

Boom. You're welcome, America.

Oh, what a wanker.

'Tonight with Katherine Newbury'.

So how did the speech go?

Did you like what the writers wrote?

Well, I kept the last line.

"Thank you for this honour. Good night."

I'll take that as a no.

OK, so the network has been trying to contact us.

You have to call Caroline back.

Oh, I was just reading about her. Yeah, here.

Listen to this - "As a female president of a network..."

Don't start any sentence with, "As a female..." So tacky.

"I want to remind my network"

"that show business is still business."

"When I was at Harvard Business School,"

where, apparently, she majored in name-dropping,

"I learned that if we're not hitting prospective consumers"

"in all four quadrants, we are not going to make"

"a return on our investment."

She sounds hilarious. I can't wait to call her back.

Great. And Gabe Eichler is waiting to talk to you.

- I don't know who that is. - He's one of our writers.

Whoopee.

I'm in a single-income household,

and Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor.

Adorable, huh?

- She takes after you. - Yeah. Thanks.

So there's just a lot of expenses at home right now

and I think it's time for a raise.

I see.

This is actually very exciting to me.

Really? Great.

Because what you're describing is the most

clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument

for the advancement of men in the workplace.

You're asking for a raise

not because of any work-related contribution you've made,

but simply because you have a family.

And that's why, in the 1950s, family men were promoted

over the women they worked with.

I've never encountered it, actually,

in such a clean, teachable way.

I don't think that's at all what's happening.

I can't give you a raise, Gabe.

- It's like giving a raise to a drug addict. - What?

Well, your situations are virtually identical.

A drug addict makes certain decisions outside of work

for their sense of self and comfort

and then the addiction demands more time, more energy,

more money, just like a child.

My child's like a drug problem?

Exactly. You want special treatment.

I'm sure you can see how unfair that would be

to a single man or woman.

- There are no women on this staff. - Gabe.

The reason there aren't any women is because you hate women.

So you can sit there

spouting all this pseudo-feminist bullshit,

but we all know what's going on here.

We need to hire a woman.

You're fired, obviously.

Just so you know, this show sucks and has for years.

Everybody's here for the pay cheque.

That would mean so much more coming from someone with a job.

Sorry, man.

Yeah, sorry.

Bradley, I don't hate women.

I don't think you think you hate women.

What does that mean?

I think you might have a problem with women.

I love Mary Tyler Moore.

- I love Gilda Radner. - They're both dead.

I... I think you have a problem

with living female writers on your staff.

You never want to renew their contracts.

Well, find me one worth keeping.

- Would a gay guy work? - No!

"I have spread my dreams under your feet."

"Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

God!

OK, alright, alright.

Oh, there's my guy.

- How are you, buddy? Hey. - Good.

You guys remember my little brother Hayes, right?

He's the funny one in the family, right?

Wait, someone in your family is funny?

Hey, man.

Hayes, your timing could not be better.

- Gabe got fired last week. - Oh, yeah.

See, Gabe asked if he could go home

and have dinner with his kids - suicide.

So listen. When you go in there, OK, no commitments.

- OK. - No girlfriend.

- Alright? You're a monk. - Alright. Monk.

- I'm a monk. - Dad already called the network.

- You got this. - You got this.

- Thank you. - Good luck, man.

- Thanks. - Text me after, OK?

Alright.

So you worked at 'Chemical Plant'.

Is that a cable show?

No, it's a place.

It's a... a chemical plant.

I still work there, actually.

How did you even hear about this job?

Your submission came from Margaret Yang

in Human Resources?

At the chemical plant where I work, there is a corkboard,

you know, where people hang notices

for bikes, futons, missing cats,

and one day, I saw a notice

for a company-sponsored essay contest

where the prize was you could meet any executive you want.

- An essay contest? - Yes.

To meet an executive, like the head of the chemical plant?

Yes, I think that's what

you could have picked, traditionally.

- But you didn't? - No.

I picked Vernon Gleason, the chief operating officer

for all of Mainline Chemical, which owns my plant,

but also owns Comtech, which owns this network,

which owns 'Tonight with Katherine Newbury'.

So... so you went

to our parent's parent company

in order to make this interview?

- Yep. - And you have no experience in comedy?

No! No, I'm obsessed with comedy.

No, I've seen every episode of this show.

I... I've read every book written about it.

- I do a little stand-up. - Where?

If you have a problem, ask a chemist.

She'll always have the solution.

Which kills with people who know about chemistry.

And I'm actually emceeing a benefit in the city pretty soon.

- It's kind of cool. - Um...

"Cancer Isn't Funny -."

"A Night of Comedy in Support of Lung Cancer."

Jesus Christ.

Yes.

It's me. Did you hire a woman yet?