Inside Amy Schumer

You need, like, is this seven hands to do this.

Ow!

Uh-oh, men, has this ever happened to you?

You're a good guy, but you're frustrated with your life,

Your family, or a piece of cheap swedish furniture.

Of course it has!

You're constantly seething with impotent rage.

Hi, i'm martin daniels, of martin daniels products,

And i'm introducing new punchables!

It's the first product ever invented that allows you

To fruitlessly punch a wall while doing limited damage

To both the wall and the skeleture of your hand!

Using our unpatented "dish sponge" technology,

Punchables absorb and distribute impact.

That's salt, marco.

Now, that didn't hurt so much, did it?

I mean, it hurt a little.

And get a load of these other satisfied customer.

My dad never told me that he was proud of me,

Which makes me a moderate anger case.

But i'm also a renter.

With punchables, i can vent my endless frustration

And still get my security deposit back.

You mean the security deposit i loaned you.

Why don't you ever tell me you love me?!

This is why your mother left.

Thanks, punchables.

And now for the man on the go, there's new portable punchables!

I'm a sales rep, and i travel a lot.

Despite constant temptation,

I can't help but be loyal to my dumb wife,

And it infuriates me.

With portable punchables,

I'm able to take out my useless bullshit on any wall anywhere.

Hey. Hey.

I was wondering if you wanna come have a drink in my room?

I can't, but...

Um, maybe some other time?

Yeah, thanks.

Ahh!

Thanks, punchables!

I think you could have banged her

Without getting caught, but you're welcome!

Punchables!

Puncha...

Good day to you, sir.

How may i help you?

The barber said i have "delirium of the bowels,"

But the bloodletting's just made it worse.

Well, you've come to the right place, sir.

No need for any more barbaric or outdated procedures.

Our chief of surgery and his team,

They are the best in the nation.

If you come right this way.

Dr. Thackery, i have your next patient here.

Then the game is on.

junior!

The patient is a 38-year-old man

With an acute infection in his lower bowel.

Untreated, his condition will quickly deteriorate.

I'll make an incision thusly.

Ahh.

And then operate using a revolutionary method

Of my own design.

Nurse elkins, scalpel.

Pulse increasing. Scissors.

Pulse stability dropping! We're losing him, thackery.

Let's hope to god this works.

we've lost his pulse!

thackery, it's over.

No!

He just needs more glue!

We've lost him.

Damn it!

You're not supposed to have those before dinner.

Shut up! I want more pixy stix!

Oh, dear.

Right this way.

Dr. Thackery, in light of today's... Events...

The board of directors saw fit

To hire an additional chief of surgery.

Like hell! The knick is mine!

Dr. Thackery, please.

Mine!

No, it is mine.

Mine! Mine!

Doctors, doctors, doctors! In this hospital, we share.

We share.

is this a bad time?

Hello, john.

Amy?

Who got your nose?

After we parted ways,

It was ravaged by cooties.

We can sew your face to your arm.

Sew my face to my arm?

That's the cure?

Yeah.

Are you looking at my nose?

right this way, amy,

Already looking good.

Awesome. That is so cool.

Cool.

how did you do that? Great job.

So that's... that's it?

I just... Stay like this with my face attached to my arm?

You guys are here 'cause you're, you're walking me out or...

Yup. Yup.

Oh, and don't pull your... Arm out.

It'll, like, rip it off.

Any sort of home care, i should... Worry about or...

Nope. Just go.

All right. All right, bye.

We're gonna keep in touch, all right, or...

Yeah. Okay.

oh, you guys, it does not look weird?

no, no, no.

'cause it feels weird,

I mean, it honestly...

Ow!

Ooh...

Ooh.

Be careful! Bye!

Thanks, girls, for doing this with me.

Ohh... Stop.

You know, my sponsor said in order for me to be sober,

I have to avoid temptation. Good.

it's totally our pleasure.

I mean, we don't have to always meet up at a bar.

Yeah, and we went to one before we came here anyway.

Yeah, and we're gonna go to one after, so...

Yeah, definitely. It's not a big deal.

Oh...

Ooh, who's that?

Yeah, are you gettin' some?

Ooh...

I wish, it's my dog walker

Telling me i need more baggies.

My phone is dry as

Are you guys getting any?

Uh... Oh, my god.

Nothing. Nada.

No, i don't even remember what a dick looks like.

Are they round?

Are there spikes coming out of them?

Seriously, i haven't gotten laid in forever.

You have no idea, it's like i'm a virgin again.

My hymen has basically grown back.

Same. It's been so long,

It's like i have vaginal atrophy.

Like, check this out.

Ow... Oh, my god.

You're gonna hurt yourself. No, i feel nothing.

Oh. Well, you know what, gymnasts use my pussy

To, like, clap their hands on

Before they go on the uneven bars.

I can't even talk about this.

My lady parts look like a wasteland.

You know, they shot "mad max" down there.

Oh.

The original one. Oh.

My pussy's, like, at risk of, like, a forest fire right now.

You can't smoke within 500 yards of it.

am i, like, even a woman at this point?

It's like a "frasier" marathon between my legs.

Oh, stop, seriously?

Like, if my pussy had a voice,

It would sound like terry gross

With just a mouthful of crackers.

It'd just be, like...

My pussy is so angry, it's trolling me on twitter.

Oh.

Some of that stuff's really hurtful.

My pubes left, they just up and left.

Like, they just moved to california

To start a better life.

They didn't even leave a note, they just, like...

They just bounced.

I'm so sorry.

Well, i'm having the opposite experience.

My pubes are so overgrown, my pussy

Is a "beast of no nation."

I just love child soldiers.

So cute.

My asshole's on fire, though.

Oh, my god, so stretched out.

Can't even sit down.

My taint looks like a chew toy.

Do you think this needs more blue?

Hmm...

What was your favorite episode of "sex and the city"?

I don't have a favorite episode of that.

They're all your favorite?

None of 'em. Why?

No, because they're just broads, like, running around...

Being promiscuous.

You're gonna say that to me and bridget?

Hello? You're not like them.

You mean, we dress better and we're thinner.

No. And you have personality.