M*A*S*H

Oh, that's good, that's good.

I hope that wasn't something vitally important you just threw in there.

Oh, no, no, sir‐‐ just some copies of orders,

rescinding orders that were never sent out.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Why can't they send us something decent to wear?

You know, I hear they got a whole bunch of, uh, uh,

uh, winter issue in a big warehouse in Seoul.

Wish they'd send us some of that stuff.

You know, I am sick of going through Command.

Look, let's send a letter straight to Quartermaster.

Yes, sir.

‐Okay, uh... Commanding Officer. ‐"Commanding Officer."

‐Quartermaster Corps. ‐"Quartermaster Corps."

‐Uh, sir... ‐"Sir." Seoul.

‐Seoul. ‐"Seoul, sir."

"Seoul, sir."

Uh, I, uh, gratefully acknowledge the receipt

‐of your latest shipment of supplies to our unit. ‐...supplies to our unit.

The mosquito netting and the summer underwear

were very much appreciated.

I am wearing so many pairs of cotton drawers,

my thighs don't know each other any more.

"...my thighs don't know each other any more."

Don't tell him about my thighs, Corporal!

‐What's the matter with you? ‐I'm sorry.

‐All right. Paragraph two. ‐Two...

Okay, I, uh...

I respectfully ask, however, that you review

our latest request for, uh, long underwear,

...for long underwear.

parkas with, uh, fur liners...

Hey, and you know those, uh, nice woolly caps

‐with the earmuffs? ‐Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, okay, put that down, but in, uh, military talk.

Now then, uh, to the best of my knowledge,

the entire outfit is enduring severe hardship

due to the lack of warm clothing.

‐ Have you got that? ‐ Soon as my hands thaw out, sir.

Courage, Camille.

You wanna turn down the radiator?

I worked up a sweat out there.

You're wearin' long johns.

Certainly I am. You think I want to

catch cold and die like you?

Where did you get 'em?

My father sent 'em to me,

right after I wrote him I'd be home for Christmas,

whether Truman said I could or not.

‐Hawkeye? ‐Yeah?

I'll give you $20 for that pair of long johns.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't take 12 of your toes for these.

I'm warm, warm, do you hear?

Warm!

I'll give you, uh...

I'll give you $50 and a picture of my children.

Stop dripping your filthy germs on my bedclothes.

$60, you can have the children.

Thanks, but I have no place to keep them.

Why don't you take your other blanket and use that?

I'd like to, but somebody stole it.

This war is turning everybody into a criminal,

and it's making me sick.

Well, next time, try to stay out of the draft.

That's great!

Oh, boy, listen to that wind.

Now, look, pal...

I don't care how pitiful you get,

I am not giving you my long johns.

I don't want 'em.

You keep 'em.

No point in both of us getting sick.

Fine.

You better get some rest, Hawkeye.

You're gonna need all your strength tomorrow...

to bury me.

Some people don't care about anybody but themselves.

Now shut up and go to sleep!

It's your bet, Radar.

If I have three cards and they're all red,

is that three of a kind?

Is that a question for a grown man to ask?

Okay, I bet 20 bucks.

20 bucks?

‐Like taking candy from a baby. ‐I fold.

‐ You? ‐ Foldissimo.

Well, I'm in.

Trouble is, I don't have 20 actual dollars.

The mummy here beat me for 170 bucks tonight.

Well, how you gonna bet?

Um, could I, uh, could I interest you in, uh‐‐

You got long underwear?

Wait a minute!

I gave them to you 'cause you were choking to death!

You can't bet my long johns

just because your nose stopped running!

I got to. I'm down to my last $3

and an old brassiere hook. I‐I gotta get even.

Suppose you lose!

Against him?

I‐I want to see this underwear first.

I have very sensitive skin.

Wow!

Soft as a baby's bottom.

Okay, let me see your cards.

You better win, pal.

Full house.

I guess that beats two pair, right?

It sure does.

What were they?

‐Tens. ‐Yeah, tens and what?

That's it. Two pairs of tens.

Is that good?

You lost them!

How did it happen?

You lost my beautiful double‐weave, semi‐woolen,

sensuously soft long johns

to an astigmatic missing link with four tens!

That's how it happened!

All right, bub.

Put your underwear where your mouth is.

I haven't been this warm in days.

What a terrific invention.

Hawkeye, can you do that and walk at the same time?

I'd like to eat this before I have broccoli‐sicles.

Certainly, Mr. Full House.

Why don't you sit with us doctors

so this remarkeable discovery doesn't get lost to science?

Oh, I can't, Hawkeye.

I promised I'd sit with someone else.

Is there a reason this line is going so slow,

it's moving in the opposite direction?

I just lost a fantastic hand‐warmer to another guy

and I wanna see who it is.

She must have frostbite on her taste.

Let's get closer.

How did you get your hands on them?

Uh, well...

When you've been around for a while

in this man's army,

you‐you‐you get to learn a few of the ins and outs.

What the hell is he talking about?

Put your hand in there.

Oh, it feels so good.

Soft as a baby's bottom.

I'll break his leg, set it, and break it again.

Can I get you some pie?

Would you?

I gotta keep my energy up for later.

Uh‐huh.

Can I have some more, uh, pie for Nurse Beddoes, sergeant?

Sure.

She's got quite an appetite.

If you know what I mean.

You're some guy, Radar. What's your secret?

Well, I like to put 'em on a pedestal, you know?

Surprise them with little gifts.

Put your hand in there. Feel that.

If he lets everybody feel them,

there won't be anything left but a package of lint.

‐Look in here. ‐Wow!

Is that a whole one?

A complete leg of lamb.

It'd take you a whole weekend to eat it.

Yeah...

In exchange for those.

Does that include the mint jelly?

You got it.

Something came up. I can't make it tonight.

There goes the last of the great leg men.

Filth!

This isn't a kitchen, it's a bacterial breeding ground,

a germ kennel!

How long of a walk is it from here

to the soup, Sergeant?

About three feet, sir.

And nothing walks faster than a bacteria.

A bacterium.

I've made over 700 meals here, sir,

with only one illness.

That was three months ago.

Are you feeling any better now, sir?

I'm not concerned about myself.

It's the men.

I'm reducing you to Corporal.

Sir, are you busting me?

Yes.

And with a corresponding reduction in pay, of course.

My invalid wife is dependent on my‐‐

my sending her a few dollars every month, sir.