Single Parents

So, yeah, the first 10 years of my life,

I called it a "teethbrush," but in my defense,

you brush your teeth, not your tooth!

Hey, you guys even listening to me?

We most definitely are not.

Uh, sorry, Miggy.

I realized I forgot my floss again.

You carry floss around with you?

Like in the container or loose?

Container, Miggy.

It's for my overnight bag for Douglas'.

I'm always packing and repacking it. Forgetting things.

Spent a whole day without a bra once.

Felt unhinged. And a little sexy.

Hey, doesn't Douglas ever sleep at your house?

Never. My place is more comfortable.

We're happier there.

Excuse me? I don't remember you asking me how I felt about it.

My sheets are hand-loomed in the fjords of Norway.

They only make two sets a year.

I just thought it was safe to assume.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys!

- Stop fighting! - We're not fighting.

We're just having a playful back-and-forth.

Okay, I'll fix this.

Douglas, tonight, you have to spend the night at Poppy's.

Don't bother, Miggy. Douglas is stuck in his ways.

Hey, I take issue with that.

You know, in 1972, I camped out for three nights

on a Buffalo sidewalk just to get Sabre tickets?

We had to huddle together for warmth.

But with close proximity comes disease.

Gregory...

Oh, anyway, listen, Poppy, if you want,

I'll, uh... I'll spend the night at your place.

Aww! Wait, should we talk about Gregory? 'Cause...

You know what? Forget it.

Turn your head, Miggy. I'm gonna kiss this man.

- Bring it in. - Mm-hmm.

- Mwah! - Aww.

Get ready for the best night of your life.

- Hey. - Damn you.

Last night was the worst night of my life!

High five, my man. Nowhere to go but up!

Gregory.

It smells weird in here.

It's probably Graham's lunch.

Yeah, we only had eggs,

so I boiled six, called it a day.

- Oh, hey, Colin. - Oh, hi, Angie.

How's it going?

Oh, you know, pretty bog-standard day so far.

Yeah.

That's... good.

Well, uh, yeah, cheers.

- Hee-hee. - Yeah.

What in Cupid's tiny grave just happened?

I have goose bumps

and obviously not the good kind.

Things with Colin and me

kind of cooled down since Valentine's Day.

Really? Why?

I thought you guys shared some heat on the swing set.

You were all...

Okay, what did I tell you about fist pumping?

- No. - Right.

And, yeah, we did have heat, all right?

So much that it was probably inappropriate

on school property.

- But nothing has happened since. - Ohh.

Do you think maybe he just sees you as a mom from class?

A mom from class?!

Excuse me?

Uh, sir, I invite you to check out the merchandise.

Not too much.

All I need to do is get Colin alone,

bust out my A-game, and he'll be powerless.

I just need an in.

What about Sophie?

I mean, she's desk mates with Colin's kid.

Percy? I don't know if Sophie likes him very much.

No one likes him. Kid's obsessed with apples.

The way he talks about Fujis...

...is chilling.

God, I'd kill for a hobby.

Anyway, thanks, kids.

Beat it.

Oh, my God. Will, that is perfect.

I'll just invite Colin over for a playdate tonight.

Can I borrow your daughter for bait?

Ho'd up. I thought we were taking Graham and Sophie for pizza tonight.

We've been planning this for a while.

I have been micro-dosing LACTAID since Monday.

Sorry, bro, this is more important.

Here comes the apple man.

Why would you force me to sleep at Poppy's?

My whole body is destroyed. Here, feel this.

It's the L5.

Yikes. That disk wants out.

Yeah, the whole experience was a nightmare,

from soup to nuts.

First of all, I couldn't have my usual nightcap

because Poppy doesn't have any single-malt whiskey,

so I had to drink red wine

like a maître d' closing up for the night.

Then I'm in her bathroom, which is the size of an Alfa Romeo.

Not a reference I get.

- It's a small car, Miggy. - If you say so.

I go to brush my teeth,

and there's nowhere to put the brush down

'cause of the hundreds of candles and trinkets

and just the tops of so many things.

So I put it on the back of the toilet

like a gigolo in a Denny's bathroom.

Then the clock strikes 8:45, so I gotta make.

Make what?

Make peace with my dinner.

Still don't get it.

Dookie, Miggy!

- Oh. - Drop anchor!

Release the hounds! Come on!

But the problem is the toilet is just 6 inches

from her bedroom...

...separated by a wall the width of a grape nut.

So the chickens can't come home to roost,

if you know what I mean.

You know I've never seen a chicken in real life?

So, I'm blocked like a stalled cement truck

and just want to relax,

but Poppy's watching "Frasier," full volume.

You know what Roz's voice sounds like with a subwoofer?

She was laughing like it's brand-new.

Roz, you tell it like it is!

And she keeps it on while she falls asleep.

But here's the worst part... the bed!

That mattress came after me

like I had done something to its family.

Wow. Some night.

I hate to see a tall, rich white man suffer like that.

So, what are you gonna do?

I-I don't know what I'm gonna do,

but I-I can't say anything,

'cause I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Hey!

I thought I heard you clomping around up here.

Either that, or Miggy bought a pony.

Hey.

Anyway, I just wanted to say last night was amazing,

and it just...

it means so much to me that you stayed over.

You know, it's funny...

I was just telling Miggy how much I loved it.

Oh, he was! He was.

I was like, "Did you love it?" And he was like, "Yes."

And I was like, "How much?" And he was like, "A lot."

And I was like, "No, no, quantify it specifically."

And he was like, "Five stars."

And I was like, "Out of how many stars?"

And then you walked in.

Aww.

- In fact, he wants to do it again. - Really?!

Tonight!

Ohhh!

It would be my pleasure.

Aww!

Mm.

- I would love it. - Thank you.

Mmm!

Pizza, root beer, empty stage

where the creepy animatronic gondoliers used to perform.

This is what it's all about.

We don't need your mom or my daughter.

Yeah, we're better off without 'em.

We got a fresh batch of plushies

being loaded to the perfect height.

I better go stop the plushie stuffer

before he packs them in too tight.

Hello, good sir.

My name's Louis.

Don't call me "sir." It feels condescending.

Louis. Sorry.

Um, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

not packing the stuffies too tight.

Listen, I have very little agency in this job,

except when it comes to this machine.

I stuff how I want.

Okay.

I totally support you all the way.

It's just, my friend and I,

we're kind of having a guys' night.

We're looking forward to bro-ing out

and clawin' us a stuffed gorilla or two.

Looks like your bro's busy.

Check this out.

Gushers: Oops All Gush.

It's just the juice from the middle.

Wouldn't the juice just get everywhere when you open the packet?

Not if it came with a straw.

- Ah. - Hey, buddy, machine's free.

You ready to claw 'til we can't claw na mah?