The Good Place

- Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information.

The final point totals each of you achieved

for all your actions on Earth.

- Whoa, your point total was crazy high, Eleanor.

Oh, sorry, "Crazy High Eleanor"

was my nickname in college.

- I accidentally saw these point totals when Michael

was fixing the sinkhole. It gave me an idea.

We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here

in the Good Place, and if you earn enough

in the Good Place, and if you earn enough

new points, then we could argue that you should stay here.

- Would that work? - Don't know,

never had to prove someone belonged here before.

But the judge will be here soon, and this is the best way

to build our case.

Eleanor, I made you this points tracker last night.

It will calculate the moral value of everything you do here.

It's kind of a Fitbit for your soul.

Oh, I used to have a Fitbit.

But I guess now I can't cheat by taping it to the desk fan.

- You took credit for the fitness achievements...

of a desk fan.

Of a desk fan.

- I only did it to stick it to my stupid friend Jen

who said there was no way I'd ever use it.

Hmm, you showed her.

Now, the average point total

for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million.

Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth,

you have -4,008.

That's not great,

but I'm gonna do nice things

for every goober in this place until my point total is so high

I can rub it in all their smug faces.

You just lost five points.

You just lost five points.

- Hello! Hi, how are you?

There has to be something bigger I can do

than holding the door and waving.

There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.

Wal... mart?

- It's a place regular people go.

You haven't heard of it. - Look, I know this is tedious,

but holding a door for someone is three points,

and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood,

and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood,

then that's almost a thousand points for just a start.

Besides, all the big ticket items

are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could,

you know, "sacrifice your life to save others"

or "change the consciousness of a nation."

Both of which I did, by the way.

Such fun.

Have a wonderful day.

This is pointless.

The ticker isn't even going up,

and everyone's giving me the stink eye.

Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Well, fork you too.

No, this is good.

No, this is good.

Now that we know, we can actually do something about it.

And I am an expert at mediating conflict,

like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby

had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

- Yeah, I don't know what I love more

about our morning hardboiled egg routine,

the eggs or the routine.

- Oh, sorry, you know, I was thinking

this morning I'd have oatmeal.

Just kidding! Of course it's eggs.

Um, actually, this morning,

there's a little surprise in yours.

There's a little surprise in yours.

"I love you." How cute.

I love you too, egg.

Oh, no, no, Chidi,

that... that's me saying that to you.

I love you.

Ohh.

Well, that is... something.

- I know you've gone through a lot,

and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just...

And now I'm throwing this at you, but I just...

I had to tell you how I feel.

I love you. No need to respond.

- Great. - Well, at some point,

you'll respond, right?

I just meant no rush.

- You wanna talk about eggs again?

Hmm, this isn't right.

- I'm sorry, I've never kissed anyone before.

Is one tongue okay?

Is one tongue okay?

I can add more tongues.

No, that's not it.

We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.

- Once again, Michael is not my dad,

and we shouldn't tell him.

If Michael finds out that we're married,

then he'll know you're not Tahani's soul mate,

and then he'll know that you're really Jason

and not Jianyu.

He'd send you to the Bad Place.

- Mm, I don't want to lose you, girl.

- I'm not a girl. - But also,

I'm tired of living a lie. We gotta go public.

I hate all this hiding, kissing inside like losers.

I wish we were in Florida, kissing outside near a swamp

I wish we were in Florida, kissing outside near a swamp

with some old tires in it,

watching a flamingo trying to mate with somebody's old gun.

I want us to have the life we deserve.

Pillboi, let's talk big picture.

You know I love Jacksonville.

J-town.

- It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities

in northeastern Florida, but if we're gonna make it

in the DJ game, we gotta get to Miami.

Miami's expensive.

Miami's expensive.

We just don't got that skrilla, B.

I mean, I got ten bucks to my name,

and I spent eight of it on this burrito,

and the other two on guac.

I know what we gotta do.

We're gonna rob this restaurant.

Great idea!

What if we get caught?

- We'll just get married so that no one can testify against us.

Dope.

Yo.

I got diarrhea. I'll be right back.

- Me too. I'll race you.

Both: Best friends!

- Thank you all for participating in

- Thank you all for participating in

our focus group for Fake Eleanor.

Think of this as an open forum

for you to air any and all grievances

that you may carry against her.

- I was flying on the second day,

and when you caused the trash storm,

I crashed into a rotting turkey carcass, and it exploded.

- Oh, dear. - All this

cartilage and bone got tangled up in my hair,

and its beak got smashed against my nose,

and its skin was all over my skin.

I didn't know where I ended and the turkey carcass began.

- Well, if it makes you feel any better,

your skin looks amazing.

Your skin looks amazing.

- My café got destroyed by the giant frog,

then I reopened it and it fell into the sinkhole.

Just like me, I fell in too.

- Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined

every moment of your existence since you arrived?

Excellent. I must confer with Eleanor

for a tick, so please, just enjoy the lemonade and cookies.

- It seems everyone's problem with me is me.

Yes, it would appear that way.

The last moment they were happy was at my party.

I've seen this before.

I've seen this before.

After one of my events, there's a real endorphin crash.

- We have to recreate that party.

We have to take them back to that night before I started

affecting the neighborhood and give them a fresh start.

Yes, of course.

We must throw the perfect party,

or else you'll be tortured by demons forever.

This will be the fourth most important party

I have ever thrown.

Janet, there you are.

Some residents are complaining

that you're not responding...

I'm sorry, what's going on?

I'm sorry, what's going on?

Is that a... a wedding ring?

Yes.

I'm married.

- To whom? - Sorry, my protocol forbids me

from telling you any private information

about any resident.

- Is it that person? Jianyu, the man standing

right there also wearing a wedding band?

Dad...

we need to talk.

- I just want to make sure that I have this right.

Um... Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk,

but rather someone named Jason Mendoza,

a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

I wasn't a failed DJ.

I was pre-successful.

And you two are married.

- Hells yeah, homie. We love each other.

Just like Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo was the name of my dog

and Juliet was the name of my Roomba.