Bored to Death

.:: La Fabrique ::.

L'Équipe à Roger

Synchro: mpm

- Mr. Eaton? - Mr. Ames?

Sorry I'm late. There was traffic.

It's great to be here. I grew up in new jersey.

Do you know who that is?

That's my colleague.

He does all the driving.

Anyways,

why don't you tell me what the exact problem is?

I appreciate you wanting to be discreet on the phone.

I'm being blackmailed.

Why? What happened?

Well, I've been married 11 years.

I have two little boys. They're lovely. And my wife and I...

When I was a kid my parents had separate bedrooms.

I don't think I ever even saw them kiss.

- That happens a lot. - Yeah, well, it happened to me.

So I went on Craigslist.

I figured it'd be all right if I had an affair with a married woman.

Oh, my god, this woman's body is beautiful.

Did you really meet her?

Sorry.

Go on.

Yeah, we met at a motel,

one of those that charges by the hour.

Her name was Sophia and she was...

I mean, she is beautiful.

I actually thought that she liked me, which is pathetic.

Don't beat yourself up. You were vulnerable.

I don't know how, but she filmed us.

She sent me a copy and she asked for $1000

or she would show it to my wife.

- You paid? - I maxed out a credit card

and I thought the whole thing was over.

But then she called again. She wants $500 a month.

That is a lot.

I don't have that, especially not in this economy.

You know, I've got two kids.

Your ad said that your rates were reasonable.

All the other detectives were way out of my league.

I charge $100 a day, but I'm good.

I'm one of the...

Well, I'm good.

I can afford that.

I just need you to get that tape back for me.

The weird thing is I feel closer to my wife than ever.

I can't lose her now.

I understand.

Will you get me a hamburger to go? I'm starving.

- Cheese? - No cheese.

All right, no cheese.

I'll get your tape for you. I promise.

Excuse me,

can I get a cheeseburger, no cheese, to go?

- Hello, ladies. - Good morning.

So just wait here under these ballerinas, okay?

Okay, I like ballet.

Hey, Jonathan, dear boy, come in.

Got your email. I came by to pick up the galleys for the new Paul Auster.

Oh, shit.

- What's the matter? - There's a party tonight

for Gay Talese at the national arts club.

Another award. I think he's a great writer,

but how many of these things can I go to in life?

I don't know.

You go to one almost every night of the week.

I know, and it's always the same boring people,

going on 35 years.

Though some die and some press on.

I fall into the press-on category.

Pressing on is good. Pressing on is heroic.

Maybe.

The first 25 years or so it all seemed very meaningful.

The past 10 years

I feel like I'm on autopilot.

I may not even be talking right now.

This could be a tape recording.

Your Auster.

Great. I love Paul Auster. I'll write you a good review.

Yeah, whatever, but more importantly,

I want you to come with me tonight to the party.

You can get quotes for the society page or something.

See, I don't want to go to the party by myself.

Tonight? I'm really sorry but I can't.

You never say no. Don't you need money for the piece?

I do but...

Since when do you play it so close to the vest?

I don't like secrets.

I'm the only one who gets to have secrets. Sit down.

- I have another job. - You're not writing for Antrem at GQ ?

I would never do that to you. Do you really want to know the truth?

Yes, I do,

as long as it's not boring.

I have a second job as a private detective.

I haven'ttold you because I thought you would think it was strange.

If you're going to lie you need to make it believable.

Throw in an element of truth. That's what I do.

But I'm not lying. I have an ad on Craigslist

advertising myself as an unlicensed private detective.

And tonight in New Jersey I'm meeting this woman... A blackmailer.

I still don't believe you. What kind of blackmailer?

She targets married men.

We've been emailing and texting for the last 24 hours.

I posed as married to lure her in. And tonight...

And tonight I have to get my client's sex tape back.

- I want to come with you. - On my case?

Gay Talese would want me to do something like this.

To hell with a boring dinner party. Now don't you see, Jonathan?

This is the kind of journalism that we need in the magazine.

We'll be writers who fight crime,

give it a big cover story...

You know, "Blackmailer's brought... "

"Sextortionist brought down

"by George Christopher and Jonathan Ames."

Or your name would go first if you want. I'm just...

thinking out loud here.

What do you say?

Ray, this is George... My boss. He's coming with us.

Nice to meet you. Heard a lot about you.

Thank you for letting me come on this adventure with you.

I'm just the driver. My girlfriend lent us the car.

- A nice car? - A Subaru, automatic.

What's a Subaru?

Now what's the exact plan? How are we doing this?

I'm gonna meet the woman at this motel outside the Lincoln tunnel.

She's supposed to get a room and call me. But I'm gonna stand her up.

Except we'll be there and we'll follow her home.

Then what?

- Then the plan gets weak. - It doesn't.

Either I'll confront her at her home and ask for the tape back

or we'll wait till she leaves and we'll break in

and grab the thing and flee.

How are we gonna break in?

I went online. There's a spy shop in the village.

They have a special lock picker that opens all doors.

This is all very insane and illegal, isn't it?

It is illegal. And insane.

Good. I like insane.

So this is the Subaru?

Yeah, try not to make a mess.

$700?

- Is that a lot? - You know, I have no idea.

It could be a good deal,

night vision and all.

Those are top of the line,

very popular in Afghanistan at 3:00 a.m.

- Howard baker. - George christopher.

Howard, we'll take one.

- Charge it to the magazine. - Maybe we won't need them.

You know what, Sunday styles...

I'd hate to think of a situation where you needed night-vision goggles

and you didn't have night-vision goggles.

You know, maybe he's got a good point.

We'll take one of these too.

What are these?

Those...

are cameras.

Look at that. That's great.

Do you have an e.z. Lock picker?

Yeah, right over here.

I already thought it was a done deal.

Is he gonna change his mind?

Thanks for calling.

- Is everything okay? - That was my friend at Esquire .

They won't run the cartoon about me trying to get the lesbians pregnant.

That was $5000 I was gonna get.

- What happened? - The senior editors hated it.

They're not even gonna let me do a revision.

I really needed that cash, man.

I'm sorry. I know it's not much,

but I'll give you half of what I make tonight...

50 bucks.

Good.

- That's good for half of a colonic. - How much for the taser?

I can't sell you that.

- Howard, come on. - George, it takes special training.

I don't have time. I gotta close up in 10 minutes.

Man, if I get home late my wife will kill me.

I mean, I wear the pants,

but she's got the belt, if you know what I mean.

This pen doesn't work.

That's because...

it's a camera.

Look at that.

You know, I love this place. I'm gonna do all my shopping here.

We've got a blackmailer to meet.

So who's this fellow?

That's my girlfriend's kid's toy. It's called Janet.

This unicorn's name is Janet?

Yeah, she likes for her kids to use real names for some reason.

Yes, this is Ray.

Get us a room and call me when you're inside.

- I'm almost there. - But I thought...

See you soon.

- Why'd you use my name? - It was the first one that came.

- I didn't use your last name. - So what's going on?

She wants me to rent a room and call her from inside.

So how are you gonna stand her up if you're already in the room?