Two and a Half Men

- You are so pretty. - Thank you.

- Pretty, pretty, pretty. - Okay, okay.

Pretty man trying to drive a car here.

How did you get more drunk since we left the party?

Oh, well..

...I brought a roadie.

Where did you get that?

My purse.

Your purse.

Oh, no, it spilled!

Do you want some?

No. You-you need to get rid of that drink.

Fine, Mr. Man.

Oops!

Okay.

I think it's time to get Stacey home and under the covers.

I think it's time to get Walden home

and under Stacey.

That's not gonna happen.

- Boo! - Maybe another time.

Yay!

I think I'm gonna take a little nap before we get there.

Okay.

'I'm so hungry.'

You'll be home soon, and then... whoa, that-that is not food.

Are you sure you don't want to stay

'cause we could have sex?

You've made that abundantly clear.

Uh, but no, thank you.

And to have sex with me, you need to be able

to stand on one leg and touch your nose.

Ooh. Nope.

Ooh! Mojito.

Okay, let's-let's get you inside safe and sound.

- Hello. - Hi, Nana.

Look, this is my new friend Wal..

It's actually pronounced "Walden."

She's asleep.

Her head's in the toilet, but she's asleep.

I just, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm not the kind of guy who brings home a drunk girl.

I mean, I did bring her home

but not to, you know, bring her home.

We met at this video game release party

and we started drinking and talking.

As it turns out, she was doing more of the drinking and I was

doing more of the talking. And here I am, still talkin'.

Hi. I'm Walden Schmidt.

Nice to meet you, Walden. Linda Pearson.

Thank you for helping my granddaughter.

You-you do not look like you're old enough

to have a granddaughter.

The unexpected benefit of being a slut at 18.

And having a daughter who followed suit.

And you know, from the looks of it, Stacey is, uh

going to carry on the proud family tradition.

Some families hand down recipes.

I appreciate you being a gentleman.

Sure, you know, I was-I was

looking at these photos.

They're amazing. Who took these?

Oh, I did.

- You took all of these? - Yeah, I'm a photographer.

In fact, this is pretty much a record

of the last 40 years of my life.

Well, hold on, in this one, these guys are aiming

their machine guns at the camera

which means, they're aiming their machine guns at you.

Yeah, I was on assignment

and uh, I needed a photo

of Nicaraguan Contras and I guess nobody told their

elite death squad it was picture day.

That's what I said when they came over the hill.

But it had a lot more F's in it.

This is, thi-this is a picture

of Warren Beatty and Jack Nicholson.

Yeah, I-I took some more photos in the Jacuzzi later

but, uh, I can't display those.

Yeah, and that's, um, the Berlin Wall coming down

and-and that's Tiananmen Square

and...this is a dachshund in a hot dog bun.

- You're really talented. - You're really sweet.

Okay, yeah, I've taken up enough of your time.

I'm gonna get out of your way now.

Oh, you're not in my way.

I was just going to make a cup of tea and smoke a joint.

- Really? - Yeah.

Uh, you want to join me?

That's my idea of baking with Grandma.

'Dad? Walden?'

Jake?

This is a surprise.

So is this.

What's on your face?

Oh, uh, now that I'm back in the dating pool

I want to look my best.

Oh. It's not working.

So, what-what are you doing home?

I got a few days pass, you know, thought I'd come surprise you

spend some time together.

That's great. Wait a second.

Are you in trouble? Is somebody pregnant? Do you need money?

No, no, and always.

Thing is, I'm gonna be going away for a while.

Damn it, I forgot jail.

Not jail. Japan.

- Japan? - Yeah.

They needed an extra cook at the base

over there, so I volunteered.

- Really? Why? - Why not? I love Benihana.

Oh-oh, my God. W-when do you leave?

- Two weeks. - Wait. Two weeks?

So-so this is probably the last time

I'm gonna see you for a while.

Yeah, I guess, unless you're willing to make the drive.

So, Nixon stands on the helicopter steps, right

and he does this, and I take the picture

and I am so excited that I don't even notice

Strom Thurmond's hand is on my ass.

So, what did you do?

I became a lifelong Democrat.

Wow. You've seen some incredible things.

Oh, well, you can get into some pretty amazing places

with a camera, a press pass and no bra.

Okay, I'm gonna stop wearing a bra.

It's-it's nice to have someone to talk to.

Stacey thinks Nicaragua is a gum you chew to stop smoking.

She also thinks Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon.

It's not?

Oh, man. I should really get going.

Oh, but before you go, you have to do something for me.

Every person I meet poses for the same picture.

Oh, I would be honored.

Great. Okay, now, stand by that wall.

- Okay. - Yeah.

And uh, give me a great big smile.

Now drop your pants and moon me.

What?

That's the picture I take of everyone.

Okay, I'm still gonna moon you.

So how long is your tour of duty?

And yes, I know I said "Duty."

Uh, a year, but if I do really well, it could be longer.

Okay, so a year.

- Hey. - Hey, Walden.

- What are you doing home? - Oh, just visiting.

He's being transferred to Japan.

Oh, what? That's amazing!

I mean, I'll miss you, but what a great opportunity.

It's a beautiful country, gorgeous women, one step closer

to having this house to myself.

Yeah, the only thing I'm worried about

is, they still haven't found Godzilla.

- How-how was the party? - Oh, it was great.

I-I met this really hot 22-year-old girl

and spent the whole night talking to her grandma.

Oh, yeah, "Talking to her grandma."

I know what that means.

- Do you? - Are you kidding?

Whenever I wear my uniform out

all the ladies let me talk to their grandma.

- I'm just gonna talk to you. - Wait, wait.

So, uh, you-you met this hot 22-year-old

but you spent the night talking to her grandmother?

That's like going to the International House of Pancakes

and ordering a bowl of dust.

Clearly, I can't talk to either of you.

No. No, seriously. Why?

Well, I'm sick of dating these goofy, shallow girls

that all have a tiny dog in their purse.

Alright, tiny dog in their purse.

I'm missing you less and less.

She's really interesting.

Is she like a rapping granny or something?

Stop talking!

Well, she's smart and funny

and she's had all these incredible experiences.

There's just one problem.

What? She can't drive at night?

No.

If I want to see Linda again

and I got to see Stacey again

and if, if I see her, she's gonna want to have sex with me.

Could you ask Walden why that's a problem?

This is nice, huh?

Yes, it is.

In a truly weird way.

There's nothing weird about

three people having dinner together.

It is when two of them are on a date.

Oh, come on. We want you here. Isn't that right, Stacey?

Huh? Yeah. Totes.

Well, in that case, I'm totes glad to be here.

So, are-are you into photography, too?

Oh, yeah, I take tons of selfies!

Instagram! Hmm.

So, how did you two wind up living together?

Ugh. She's my grandma.

Duh!

Stacey's looking for a job out here.