Harry Hill's World of TV

Snap! Shh!

..to this, on Casualty...

'Ere, watch out!

Hang on, hang on!

SIRENS BLARE

Out the way! Get out the way!

That's right - because, this week on World Of TV,

we're going to show you how to make your own medical drama.

Emergency - Ward 10 theme by Peter Yorke

Angels theme by Alan Parker

Casualty theme by Ken Freeman

Ever since Adam and Eve first sat in the Garden of Eden

on a hammock,

The first forms of medical entertainment

would've been simple shows put on to entertain the medical staff.

Here's an early one about the dangers

of unprotected intercourse between same-sex partners.

And soon the medical staff themselves wanted to join in.

Due to the tight film and TV censorship rules,

nurses were not allowed to move for fear of causing unclean thoughts.

- CAR HORN HONKS - Stay still, girls, please.

And the primitive nature of the cameras

meant actors were forced to wear unwieldy equipment

to remain in focus.

In the early days of medical dramas,

and would often either die during filming

or the actors would catch whatever it was they had...

He's given you syphilis.

..and would be forced to take sick leave,

forcing the production to use lifelike dummies.

So, what will you need if you are to make your own medical drama?

Well, you'll need a location.

Bristol is usually the first port of call.

Its layout is perfect for accidents.

There's a bridge to crash off and impale yourself on a spike...

..busy roads to get run over on...

..plenty of water to drown in...

No, no, no, no!

..plus regular train links to and from London.

SCREAMING GRINDING METAL

It's interesting to note that if you rearrange the letters of Bristol

and add an H and two Ys, and a C,

you get the words Holby City,

plus a spare R and an S to do what you want with.

Once you have your location,

you'll need to recreate the various parts of the hospital.

You'll need corridors and lots of double doors...

Fell over and hit his head on the pavement outside.

..as well as bollards for the car park

simply use glass bricks to suggest a hospital-y sort of vibe.

How's the car?

Of course, in the early days, there were very few

pieces of equitment needed to make a medical drama look authentic.

Before the advent of modern communications,

ECGs were sent between doctors on small trolleys.

Nowadays, of course, there are a plethora of tests,

and you'll need all of this equitment

PFFRRT

I'm going to inject.

Sorry?

PFFRRT

PFFRRT

Trousers down.

- You all right there? I suppose. - PFFRRT

..and a variety of special effects to create the various accidents

and illnesses that the script requires.

From false limbs...

You'll also need copious amounts of synthetic body fluids.

This led to them being anaemic and exhausted,

and only able to complete one or two hours of filming a day.

Of course, in these days of health and safety gone mad,

Yellow stuff.

Well, Nurse Morahan, it's time you were off, isn't it?

Where's the other girl? Plenty of that.

Certainly some of that, if there's an outbreak.

PFFRRT

And a constant supply of these -

tears.

Come on, love, one tear, that's all we need.

Come on, big push, see if you can squeeze one out, love.

It's just not believable without them, you see.

All good medical dramas run on sadness.

Can we get someone else in, please?

And then it is typed up. OK, type that up.

Increasingly, the modern medical drama

relies on relationships, like in a soap opera,

play or corporate video.

A rough guide is one part soap to two parts medical stuff.

as is The Ties That Bind.

..as is The Ties That Bind...

..Ties That Bind...

..The Ties That Bind...

..The Ties That Bind Us...

..The Ties That Bind...

..and The Ties That Bind...

..and The Ties That Bind.

To make it easy for the viewer to understand what's going on.

I imagine he'll do an endoscopy and, if he thinks fit, a vagotomy,

and then, a pyeloplasty.

He's had bilateral cataracts and severe hypotonia since he was born.

He's also got a proximal renal tubulopathy,

and his psychomotor retardation is severe.

Osterior margin of the external abdominal oblique is, in fact,

the anterior border of the triange.

And don't forget abbreviations, which will lend your drama

an air of authenticity.

Run the VT.

I'm not happy with this CSU at all.

If it's a UTI, Zoe, it's new.

He was admitted through A&E with HOCM.

PCO 25.8, PO 27.6.

NFBC, U and Es, LFTs, and arterial blood gas.

Let's organise an ECG.

FECs, Us and Es, LFT, ECG.

FEC, LFTs, Us and Es... please.

FEC, LFT, Us and Es, and clotting, please.

ECG? Repeat that ECG.

ECG. ECG. ECG.

ECT. ECG. ECT.

The ECG. ECG. The ECT.

The ECG. An ECT.

ECG?

BCG. CCG.

The BCG. BCG? ECG. An ECG.

BCG. ECG? An ECG. ECG.

An ECG. ECG. ECG. ECG. ECG. ECG. ECG. An ECG. ECG...

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Good. So, you now have your set, your equitment, and fluids

and your script -

but hospitals are busy places, so you'll need plenty of actors.

Men to play the doctors, and women to play the nurses.

I'm winding you up, of course. Some men are nurses, too.

Yes, I know, I'm still winding you up.

Many doctors are women these days.

45% in the UK, in fact.

Let's try and get that up to 50%, yeah?

On your side, sisters.

You'll also need actors to play the patients -

one of the most challenging roles that any actor can take on.

That was just your pre-med, the doctor gave you.

Now, you'll sleep till it's all over. All right?

An acting masterclass there.

That's smashing.

Of course, even if you're merely playing a patient,

Mr Banbow?

..and the direction he's supposed to be travelling in.

Dr McNeil will see you. You know the way, don't you?

Oh, come on, mate, get it right.

For some of the minor parts, you can cut costs

by hiring supporting artistes - or "extras".

But beware, they can be difficult to control and are notoriously nosy.

You must be proud of her.

One or two extras will really give the impression of a busy hospital

or doctor's surgery,

but too many and they'll start to get in the way of the proper actors.

Plus, they'll all require shoes...

..and catering.

Another way to keep costs down is to make the medical staff

become the patients...

You're going to need a stitch in that.

I'm a patient.

Cos the patient... is you.

Yes.

..by either giving them an illness, injuring them,

or causing them to have accidents.

You'll find actors love to appear in medical dramas,

because most of the time, they'll be lying on their backs

enjoying the attention.

Pop Muzik by M

I think we should stop. No, when I say.

Now stop.

So, with your fake hospital in Bristol, your story and fluids,

you're all set to make your first medical drama,

so let's eat the magic yellow tomato and travel back down the time tunnel

That's right, isn't it?

He was a young doctor.

Good morning, Dr Finlay.

I'm not a doctor yet, Mr Grant.

Oh! He wasn't a doctor.

The adventures of Dr Finlay - or "Mr" Finlay, as he was then -

gripped the nation,

even though sometimes he would fill the first few minutes

of each programme with his signature star-jumps to organ music.

So popular was this that he once performed it

for the Queen Mother at Balmoral.

But it wasn't all gymnastics to sacred music.

No, it told the story of Mr Finlay's day-to-day fight

with an addiction to oily fish.

Good morning, Mrs Grant.

Did you cook a herring in here last night, Mr Finlay?

A herring? Me?

It didn't help that he lived with his dealer.

Go! I'll deal with you later.

It was only a wee herring, Mrs Grant.

And I used hardly any gas, I ate it half raw.

It's not just the herring - you're behind with the rent!

Mm, it starts with one wee herring, and, before you know it,

you're behind with your rent and turning tricks in a pub car park

to pay for your habit.

Single, Kirkintilloch.