Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point

Watch the frickin' gifts! Watch.

- Alright. - "Frickin"?

- She said frickin'. - Okay.

Hey, Len, watch. You're gonna get

this shrimpy water all over my coat.

You know what? Just pretend like

you're driving your family in the car.

Mom, not everybody is a bad driver, okay?

Some people, like, go places

'cause they have interests. They do things.

Look, I'm not gonna let you ride with your friends, okay?

- I just don't get why. - I'm just not gonna do it.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's legal.

It's not like I'm committing a crime.

Andy, uh, you're my eyes back there.

Keep a lookout for those freaks, okay?

I swear this neighborhood sometimes is like a freak show.

I think this is the year I'm gonna put a-a-a bazooka

on top of the car.

- Kaboom! - Ow! Ugh.

- Kaboom! - You -- You fricked up my hair.

You got it, honey. It's gonna be a hell of a night.

Hell of a night.

Hey, how's my, uh -- my extended family face?

- Keep your eyes on the road. - Okay.

I have interests.

Here comes the tunnel.

You ready, buddy?

Here we go. The old house.

Duck and cover.

- Hi! - Hello.

Hey! How are you?

- Hi. - Hi.

Oh, look at you!

Alright, let's move everybody inside.

Close the door.

- I closed the door. - The heat's going out.

- Everybody go inside. - Move us in. Move us in.

Ugh. Twisted my ankle in the damn divot

- in the front lawn. - Divot?

Lenny boy, let's get you a drink.

Yeah.

Divot? I don't know if it's a hole in the ground.

- Hey, Ron. - Lenny, buddy.

- Stirring the pot? - How you doing?

Hopefully that's the only pot you'll be stirring tonight.

Hey, Lenny.

I think you'll appreciate what I did with the green beans.

Oh, yeah.

Blanched.

Gonna be a good year coming up.

Hey!

Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Kathleen. - Hi.

- How are you? - Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - How are you?

- I'm fine. - Yeah?

- And you? - Trust me.

It's good to see you. I haven't seen you in a while.

Yeah. Well,

alright. I'm gonna go find a place for this.

All the ducks in a row?

Yeah, sure.

If some of the ducks jump into the pond

a little early?

Is what it's.

Anyway, huh?

Exactly.

I think we're in a optimal selling zone, as well.

Anyway, I want to wish you and your wife and children

a very merry Christmas.

Oh, you're not married? Well, never mind.

I got a whole chicken nugget stuck in my braces.

36 or 37, Shelter Rock Road

or Huntington or something.

But that's always a spot where it thinks it can save you time,

and then it's just a total wild goose chase.

It's like half a mile on the service road back --

- Hey! - Hey!

Lenny, hey, where's your drink?

- It's, uh -- - You look fantastic.

Thanks. It's, uh -- It's the cane. I got a new one.

Yeah. Yeah. I see your point.

The black with a gold band really suits you.

- Hey, Ray. - Yeah.

You see all the hors d'oeuvres here?

- Merry Christmas, guys. - Merry Christmas.

Salami sticks again this year, Ray?

Excuse me.

Mmm. They're a hit, Matty.

- What's this, Ray? - Huh?

I'm gonna go put this under the tree for you.

No, no, no, no, no! That's some boring business stuff for work.

I got it.

Emily, get over here. We have business.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, love. You look beautiful.

Oh, my goodness. You look like a magazine.

Oh, I used to look like a magazine.

- Now I'm about to be a grandma. - Don't say that. You look great.

Honey, put those gifts by the tree.

- How about it? - Okay, I'm gonna make you one.

Try to relax.

You've been top of your class.

So you can't stress about it.

It's so hard.

Think of other things, other things you want to study.

Ugh.

- I need a lot more. - When my kids were little?

- Uh-huh? - I would never let them

out of my sight. Never.

And I fill it to the gizzard with onions and garlic

and thyme and sausage.

And then my hand's buttered. Right?

I massage the whole thing.

Almost like I'm --

Almost like I'm shampooing someone's head, hmm?

They protect us, but you never, ever want those police

to bring home your kids the way they did Brucey.

Oh, yeah, I liked it.

- Hey, Gram. - Very old-fashioned school.

Very old-fashioned.

- Hi, sweetheart. How are you? - Good.

- That's my beautiful girl. - Thank you.

- You didn't say that about me. - I know, I know.

People are crazy. Oh, my God. They're so crazy.

- I know. - Right?

Yeah, honestly, I just -- Oh.

- She's such a pain in the ass. - They all are.

I know, but I would be so happy if you could,

like, work a little bit of your magic on her,

because you know what she needs right now

- is a little bit of magic. - Well --

So that she could turn her life around,

because otherwise --

Ugh, God, you're so cold from outside.

- Yeah. - Freezing, right?

- Yeah. - Well, I did hear

it's just the right temperature to wander around.

Yeah. Well, what are you going to do?

You know, wintertime. It's here. It's here.

Look at my kids,

- I have no magic. - Why? Your kids are lovely.

Not even in this pinky finger.

- So are yours. So are yours. - Used to be,

when she was this big. What's happening? Where's Timmy?

- They're all grown now. - He's sick! Oh, no!

You're gonna blink, you're gonna blink,

- and they're gonna be grown. - I know, I know.

So enjoy every minute.

Alright. We're gonna go find Timmy.

Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick! Hurry!

- Where are we going? - Timmy's sick! Timmy's sick!

- Timmy's sick? - Timmy's sick! Come on!

Timmy's sick again.

- Timmy's sick! - Okay.

Hurry! Timmy's sick.

You know what he tells me?

"No can do, Dad. I have a mission scheduled."

A mission?

That's right.

- What's the mission? - How the hell should I know?

It's classified?

I mean, sometimes he has the door closed.

You know, I think he's onto something.

He's sticking to his guns.

This could be important.

This could be handy.

Look, everything's gonna be remote control one day, right?

- Absolutely. - So it might be a good idea

to have one of our own behind the wheel.

Huh?

'Cause it's always been about protecting a fort, right?

Since the early people, survival of the fist.

It's always been that way and always will be, right?

- Survival of the fist? - Yeah.

The kid's locked in a room for 14 hours a day

- playing video games. - Come on, Matty,

cut him some slack, will you?

It's what kids do now. They don't fight.

- They -- They type. - Exactly.

Can one of you goombas fix the Roomba?