Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Mmm, oh, and here's another money saver:

If you buy a big bag of irregular socks,

you can pair up the good ones

and use the cash you save for underwear.

Good to know.

And you can use the leftover misfit socks

for dusting gloves, golf club cozies, even a hand puppet.

A hand puppet?

Oh, sure, couple of buttons for eyes, and you're ready to go.

Hello, pretty lady.

That's funny.

So, you done the Internet dating thing before?

All the time. Oh, and if you're interested,

I know a couple of tricks to weed out the losers.

I'm very interested.

Hey, how are ya?

Hi.

Oh, you know him?

No.

Oh, talking to strange women.

Must be drunk.

Anyway, my profile says that I am a chiropractor,

but I also do a lot of holistic work, you know

acupressure, deep tissue massage,

both of which promote a general sense of well being

and also a heightened sexual sensitivity.

Assuming, of course,

your sexual sensitivity requires heightening.

I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with you, Alan.

Whoa, whoa, where'd that come from? (chuckles)

I'm just talking about my job.

Making conversation.

And when you say "absolutely no intention,"

you just mean tonight, right?

Um, you look like you could use another one of these.

You're a mind reader.

Uh, excuse me,

but, uh, I'm with this lady,

and if she would like another drink,

I am more than capable of providing one.

But the dinner's still dutch.

What's your name?

Uh, Louanne.

Hi, Louanne, I'm Marcus.

All right, all right,

fun time's over.

Look, Marcus, the lady is on

a date with me, and you are intruding.

Why don't we ask the lady what she wants?

Not necessary. I can tell you what she wants and it's not me.

But there is a principle involved

and that is one

of poaching another man's gal.

Is that so?

Yes, that's so. Now take a hike.

Why don't you just sit down and finish your peanuts?

Don't you touch me!

Hey, hey, calm down.

You're right, you're right.

We should just, uh, take a deep breath

and calm down.

That's a good idea.

So, what are you doing after Potsie here drops you off?

Hey, Marcus?

How's that, bitch?!

* Men.

What are you doing in there?

Be patient.

I got you a surprise.

You hear that?

She got us a surprise.

You gonna grab that?

You'll have to be more specific.

Answer the phone, Charlie.

Right, right.

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down.

Who is this?

Oh, hi, Alan.

Not a good time right now.

Really?

What the hell are you doing in jail?

You're kidding me.

That's hilarious!

All right, all right, I'm on my way.

What do you think?

Doing-oing-oing-oing!

I was gonna save it for our wedding night,

but I couldn't wait.

Oh, baby, by the time we get married,

that thing's gonna be half-eaten.

Who was on the phone?

Alan.

Everything all right?

Yeah, he was just callin' to say he wouldn't be home tonight.

Oh, did he get lucky?

Not yet, but the night is still young.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Ten hours!

Ten hours I sat in that urine-soaked jail cell!

You shouldn't have peed yourself.

You said you'd be right there!

Look, look, I understand your anger,

but you gotta see it from my side.

What's your side?

I get really sleepy after sex!

What's going on?

Oh, your gallant fiancé

let his baby brother rot in a prison cell all night.

What?

I've been there plenty of times.

You slip the booking officer a $20,

he'll send out for Starbucks.

You know I don't carry that kind of cash.

Regardless, it was just one night.

Nobody took your man cherry, did they?

Was that why Alan called last night?

Uh... I assume so.

Oh, Charlie.

Hey, hey, you had that sexy lingerie on

and you were so beautiful,

plus you know how

I hate to waste an erection.

I can't believe you abandoned your brother when he needed you.

It's horrible.

How did I become the bad guy in all this?

He's the felon!

Why were you in jail, Alan?

I was forced to use my hands to defend a lady's honor.

Ask him what happened to the lady.

She drove the guy I punched

to the emergency room.

I don't understand. Why would she go with him

if you were defending her honor?

Who knows? I would've asked her,

but I was busy being handcuffed and dragged off to jail!

Where I spent the night covering my behind with a food tray.

Shame on you, Charlie Harper.

Now she's mad at me.

Happy?

Oh, yeah, I'm thrilled!

If my transsexual biker cell mate had only been

a little more affectionate, my life would now be perfect!

* Men.

I don't know. I just snapped and hit him.

It's the first time in my life that's ever happened.

You mean it's the first time you've ever won.

The important thing now is for you to know

that your family is a hundred percent behind you.

Thanks, Mom.

Now, before we waste money on some expensive lawyer,

how much jail time are we talking about

if you just roll over?

I don't want to go to jail!

And if he does, he certainly doesn't want to roll over.

Charles, that is crude and uncalled for.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Nobody wants to go to jail,

sweetie, but let's face it,

if all we're talking about is 60 days alone in a room

with no friends, how is that different from two months

squatting in your brother's house?

You're kidding, right?

I guess.

You know what? Don't worry yourself.

I'll just get a public defender and take care of this myself.

There you go, problem solved.

Charlie?

What? Some kid out of law school

hungry to make his bones. What's wrong with that?

He gets his hair cut by trainees at the barber college.

Alan, I'd be happy to help you hire a lawyer.

Oh, no, Chelsea, I couldn't take money from you.

That's an honor he reserves for family.

So, what, you guys really aren't gonna help him?

Well, of course we are.

But if we didn't torture him a little bit,

he wouldn't feel comfortable accepting our help.

You don't know that. Try me!

I'll tell you what. I'll find the lawyer,

and we'll split the fee.

Not fifty-fifty, 'cause I'm out six years of room,

board and incidentals.

And by incidentals, I mean mostly Kleenex and hand lotion.

Oh, please, I paid

for four years of college and chiropractor school,

and he still gives me handmade tchotchkes for Christmas.

You said you loved the pot holders I made you.

I said they made me cry.

Okay, okay, okay, fifty-fifty.

But we'll put it on my card so I get the miles.