Single Parents

I don't understand why I have to eat them out of a tiny bag.

Portion control, Douglas.

Your cardiologist telling you you got to watch fat intake

is the best thing that ever happened to me.

My man's gonna eat healthy, and we're gonna support him

because we want to keep him alive.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, but it's Derek's last day in town.

And we're really finding a rhythm.

Ready?

- Ready. - Ready.

Ooh.

- Ooh! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Okay, this next batch is blueberry.

Everyone make the adjustments you need to make.

We tried to make a pancake

into the shape of a "G" for Graham,

but then, it ended up looking like a swastika.

Take that, Nazis! We ate you for breakfast!

Sounds confusing for the boy, but I'm happy for you.

Were there any awkward moments?

Graham didn't have any questions

like "Where's my dad been my whole life?"

No. We're still sticking to the Greek blueberry scientist story...

Derek became the most famous blueberry scientist in the Mediterranean

and then was sent to the States as an emissary

to help Ratso's launch the new blueberry fudge pie shake cake.

Sounds solid.

Douglas, what are you doing?

I'm sorry.

I wanted ham.

Will, we came to see how you're doing

after your breakup with Tracy.

Not great.

But I am distracting myself with a deep clean.

It's like my Gam-Gam always says,

"The cleaner the floors... "

Is there more to that?

No. Normally, she just trails off after that.

I never knew my Gam-Gam when she was doing well.

What you working on here?

I wrote down a list of sexual positions

so that I don't forget them

by the time I'm ready to date again.

"Up and down."

"Back and forth."

"Topsy pushy."

Sweetie, these all sound like the same thing to me.

Also, you think you're gonna forget sex positions?

How long you planning on being out of the game?

I don't know. Possibly forever.

- How you mean? - Yeah. Miggy's right. How you mean?

Guys, I don't know how to go on first dates.

The only people I've seriously dated since my divorce

were Sophie's pediatrician and my boss.

I didn't have to meet them. They were just there.

Hey, can I have this?

- Can you have it? - Yeah.

- Okay. - Nice.

All right, put down the Windex,

change your shirt, and come with us.

We're gonna get you a first date...

someone to Topsy pushy on.

Topsy pushy with? You know what I mean.

Guys, I'm not ready.

And for the record, "Topsy" and "pushy"

are two different things. I just wrote them on the same line.

That's worse.

Some people will tell you to roll your clothes up

or fold them, but the most efficient way to pack

is just to jam all your crap right in there.

- Yeah. - Interesting.

What about your toiletry bag?

Well, ask yourself this...

why do I need a toiletry bag when I already have...

a shoe?

You just rocked. My. World.

You see? I won't have a kid with just anyone.

So, what's the plan today, guys?

You want to walk around, find a family

we don't like the looks of, and challenge them to a fight?

Actually, Derek and I were thinking

that maybe we could have a little alone time together.

Graham wanted to have a father-son day,

so I was gonna take him to an L.A. Ratso's

so he could see where I work.

He's really excited to see how we defrost our eggs.

Oh. So not the three of us?

Just the two of you?

Now you're gettin' it.

- Okay. That's cool. - Great.

On the way there, I can show you

this amazing place where you can get gas.

It's a gas station.

I have to get gas.

Okay, Will. Let's get a first date under your belt.

Ooh!

There's a woman over there who's looking at you.

Ohhh, man, she's, like, undressing me with her eyes.

Do you think she can tell I'm wearing bike shorts?

- You're wearing bike shorts? Oh, no. - Oh, God.

I don't know, you guys. I really don't feel ready.

For what? Coffee? 'Cause that's all it has to be.

- Mm-hmm. - Come on. Get over there.

Go, go, go.

Shamon.

Sorry. I meant to say hello.

Shamon is what Michael Jackson yells.

Did you... hear what happened?

No. Let's start over.

I was... wundeling...

uh, if you would like to go on a date sometime.

God, we're really good friends.

We sure are.

You know, I took his list of sex positions.

- Read it! - I got you.

"Holdy rubby."

"Sit and reach."

"Squeezy fun fun."

"Downward facing Will."

"66."

So, yeah, Derek and Graham are going to Ratso's,

just the two of them.

I'm being boxed out

by a human I cooked up from scratch!

How could I not see this coming?

Graham's a guy. Derek's a guy.

I'm not a guy. I can't compete with blowing up toads

and taking apart hot rods.

Look, you've let Graham go,

so now you just got to play through.

Mm!

Oh, God, this is terrible.

It tastes like Bigfoot's shampoo.

I'm just gonna go to the farmers' market

and let one of those bra-less ladies help me out.

Can I come? I need a distraction.

It'll be... a Douglas day.

You know, I'm embarrassed to admit it,

but I could really use one of those.

All right, kids, Angie and I are going to the farmers' market,

so Tony's in charge.

No way Douglas

is sticking to eating healthy.

Yep. That's a wrap on Dad.

He gone.

But we'll survive.

Even if we lose the house,

we've got enough store credit at Home Depot

to make whatever we need.

But how are you gonna get everything home?

Whoa. We've never really thought of that.

Dad's car does have a really big trunk.

Oh, God. It's such a good trunk!

What if we lose the trunk?

What if I told you there was a way to save your dad?

- And the trunk?! - What about the trunk, man?

Yes, and the trunk.

We eat all the junk food before he can.

Everything that's not a vegetable.

Ladies, to the icebox!

- Poppy... - Hmm?

... I don't really know what fire is.

You don't know what fire is?

Miggy, it's just...

Oh, God, I don't really know either.

See?

Oh, thank goodness. I don't want to think about this anymore.

Will, how'd it go?

I am so relieved.

- I did it! I went on a first date! - Yes!

And on the way here, I called my Gam-Gam to tell her,

and she does not know who I am.

But anyway, thank you, guys, for making me do that.

Well, really sad for your family,

- but glad you're back out there. - Yeah!

Well, not actually back out there,

because I have a serious girlfriend now.

- How you mean? - How you mean?

This doesn't feel like a Douglas day so far.

Where is this farmers' market?

Ratso's?

Yeah. We were never gonna do your thing.

All right.

All right.

"All right" as in "go in there"!

- Check on Graham. - Why am I going in?

Because I don't want to be the one breaking up their guys' day.

Just go in there, order something,

and pretend it's all a big coincidence.

Come on! This is supposed to be an Angie day!

It's opposite. That's the opposite!

You know what?

Other than living in your house for weeks

and loaning me that five-thou,

what have you ever done for me?

Just grumble something and get out of the car!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So one date and she's your girlfriend?

Sure. She checks a lot of boxes.

She works in applied sciences, nice quiet sneeze,