Selfie

If you want to know what I'm up to,

all you have to do is look at my feed, and you'll see.

My man, my Mani,

my mini, which is actually a fiat,

#lessbasicbitch.

Henry, on the other hand, wasn't on Instagram.

So if you want to know what the hell he's doing,

you have to stop by his office.

What the hell are you doing?

This soothing balm is causing me a great deal of discomfort.

Our diaper cream sales have been... well, stinky.

- We should sell it as an eye cream. - What?

I read on some beauty blog that's what J-albs does.

Or J-lo.

One of the J's.

Look.

I must admit, your under-eye region...

Does look luminous.

Mm-hmm. I call it "Butt Eyes."

No. No, you don't. That is a terrible name.

But it is a solid idea.

We market our diaper cream for an unexpected use.

We target new moms who aren't getting enough sleep

and could desperately use...

- Butt Eyes! - Please stop saying that.

I promise I can come up with a better name.

A little bit of you, a little bit of me, right?

Right. In the meantime,

go pitch this to Saperstein! He's gonna love it!

Yeah.

I'm more of a "have the idea" person.

I'm not really, like, a "bring the idea to Saperstein" person.

It's... Liza, this is a good idea,

and I want him to know that it's yours.

Here's another one I had... the Blorkel.

It's a blanket with a built-in snorkel

- so... - Mm, yeah.

You have a strong, viable idea for this company

whose value far exceeds that of an aquatic blanket.

So go to Saperstein.

Pitch him your diaper-cream concept this very instant!

"Srsly"?

Seriously.

It's so you can breathe under the covers, right?

- What? - The Blorkel.

Oh! Yeah. Exactly.

If I were you, I'd "Shark Tank" that one.

Maybe I will.

I'll give you $100 for 90% of your company!

Thank you.

Oopsies! Ooh.

Yes, my oopsies, as well.

Oh. You are Eliza Dooley's acquaintances, are you not?

Wren and... Prue?

He got it right. Wow.

We're delivering hand-crafted sandwiches

for Bryn's artisanal farm-to- conference-table food concept.

Ah, yes. I hear they've amassed quite a following upstairs.

Wren must be enjoying a healthy profit.

Um, actually, since we all make the sandwiches,

we're all enjoying profit.

We've bucked the traditional corporate structure

in favor of a shared equity model, so...

Well, good luck with that. Yeah.

- Dig the shoes. - Pardon?

I said, "dig the shoes."

- Thank you. - Nice...

Leather-bound early edition copy of "Little Women."

Yeah, I wrote an analysis of that novel

for my women's studies thesis.

I see. And in your thesis, what exactly did you "thees"?

I argued that a Jo and Laurie marriage

would have made a superior ending due to their obvious...

sexual tension?

I couldn't agree more.

Okay, speaking of sexual tension, you guys...

...or is this just regular tension?

I'm gonna head back.

You should come by our book club, Henry.

It should be fun to have, like, a male perspective.

Yeah, I-I'll think about it. Yeah.

Aah!

Prue, take it down six notches.

Ahh.

Well?

Omg, h-dog,

I am pumped like some re-released Reeboks.

Tell me! I just bid on and won

a pair of limited edish Marc Jacobs jellies!

Shopshifter user Babyfuzz

can straight up suck it in some Havianas.

I'm sorry. I-I am confused.

She's the Ratchet I was bidding against.

And Havianas are, like, the every flip-flop.

No. Eliza, what happened with Sam Saperstein

- when you told him your idea? - Oh, that.

Okay, so, I was on my way to Saperstein's office,

and I started think about how "sapers" sounds like zappos...

No, it doesn't.

...Which in turn reminded me that I needed a good water shoe.

A water sh... why does anyone need a good water...

And I'd been fiending for those M.J.'S,

and then it was like, "seize the day."

You know?

No, I don't know.

In fact, I'm fairly certain the "carpe Diem" philosophy

does not apply to online shoe shopping.

Aah!

All right, this is not longer an ask. This is a demand.

Follow through on your great idea.

I am personally walking you over to Saperstein's office.

Right now. Out of your chair. Let's go.

Um, I can walk by myself, thank you very much.

All right. Okay?

Oh!

Starting now.

And so, you'll notice my under-eye region

is as smooth and supple as a baby's back door.

- The end. - That's remarkable.

And I love how I knew your presentation had finished.

Mm-hmm.

No, don't look at me, sir. This is all her.

Miss Dooley, if I had my druthers,

we'd squirt diaper cream on the face

of every woman in this country, whether she liked it or not.

Yikes.

The only... problem

is that we can't legally advertise a product

for something other than its intended use.

- Oh, well. - No. Not "oh, well."

Never "oh, well." Okay.

We need an unofficial way to get the word out.

Well, what about Twitter?

I have hundreds of thousands of followers

on Twitter and Instagram

and dozens of contacts waiting to connect with me on Linkedin.

I can get the word out... unofficially.

By all means, tweet, gram, uh, link in.

Okay. You know what's happening right now?

A brainstorming sesh.

We're riffing. It's a riff.

We're like a corporate jazz trio

trying to figure out a profit tune.

Henry on the hi-hat.

Eliza Dooley on the French horn.

Uh, I don't know what we're doing here.

Solo. It's your solo.

Mr. Saperstein, there's a...

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were riffing.

I will let the board know you're in a jazz meeting.

Thank you, Joan.

That night, for the first time ever,

I took my work home with me

and tried to come up with a hashtag

to make Butt Eyes go viral.

Why do people favorite when they can re-tweet?

Nut up, dude!

My mom's such a coward.

Hey, do you want to meet my mom?

- They're in town this week. - Hmm? Who's in town?

My parents.

Oh, you want me to meet the parents?

Like in that movie, uh, "Meet the Parents"?

Yeah. I mean, unless you're not into it.

Hmm? I'm fully into it.

- Yeah? - Yeah! Hell yeah.

- Hell yeah. - Hmm.

Great.

Okay, you know what? Hashtags would have to wait.

I had a super-hot guy in my bed who was...

Good morning! How are you? But keep your answer brief,

'cause I'm really just waiting to tell you how I am.

I'm fine! How are you?

I think I'm okay, but last night, for the first time ever,

Freddy and I slept together without sleeping together.

Mm-hmm.

Meaning I didn't ride the pony to pound town.

I got that.

Well?

Why aren't you exploding into a million charmoniques

and scurrying across the floor in shock?!

Because I'm not shocked.

It sounds like your relationship with Freddy is maturing.

Yeah. He asked me to meet the parents.

Oh, you mean like in that movie "Meet the Fockers"?

Yeah, but back to us not having sex.

Is that what happens in mature relationships?

Every relationship is different,

but none of them are different, yes?

That's how you know you're on the next level, though,

when you think about more than just having sex with them.

Are you thinking about having sex with him right now?

No!

Okay, get away from my desk.

Hi.

God!

God! My heart is racing.

Mine, too. Workplace rendezvous?

This is not a rendezvous.

Technically, any meeting is a rendezvous.