Two and a Half Men

You seem awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

I-I've just got a lot on my mind.

Well, a problem shared is a problem halved.

I think we should break up.

Lyndsey's downstairs breaking up with Alan.

- Really? - He's gonna be devastated.

He was madly in love with her. They've been dating for years.

They were planning on getting married.

I-I still love you, Alan.

I'm just not in love with you anymore.

- Hey, Zip. - Just wanna be left alone.

Lyndsey's crazy for breaking up with you.

- You are a great guy. - Thank you.

You'll find somebody else.

As good as Lyndsey?

Look at you, already making jokes.

Hey. What you doing?

Oh, just taking a stroll down memory lane.

It's a photo book that Lyndsey gave me.

Oh. Here we are at the Santa Monica Pier.

"Oh, Alan, I'm having such a great time.

"I know it looks like I'm eating cotton candy

"but really I'm just waiting for someone better to come along

so I can dump your sorry ass."

That dude in the Speedo totally photo-bombed you.

Bet she was sleepin' with him, too.

And look at the guy with the churros.

What's he smilin' about?

Okay, you know what? You can't live in the past.

You also can't live in this robe.

It's like the sacred shroud of urine.

What happened?

Lyndsey and I were supposed to take care

of each other for the rest of our lives.

She'd blend my steak so I didn't have to gum it.

I'd change the tennis balls on the bottom of her walker.

We'd keep track of each other's moles.

It's a romantic picture.

Glad you think so.

'Cause now that's just gonna be you and me.

It's not gonna be you and me

because A, no.

And B, you're gonna find somebody new.

You just have to have a positive attitude.

If you say you can't, you're right.

If you say you can, you might.

Do that again.

Ow!

- Ow! - Now, suck it up!

You're gonna find somebody new!

- I can't. - Why not?

Look at me!

- What? - Look at me.

When I met Lyndsey, I was a solid six.

Now I'm a soft four at best.

Really? You thought you were a six?

Well, maybe not a Malibu six, but a Wal-Mart six.

And it didn't matter. I was in love.

No one takes care of themselves when they're in love.

When you know you can have sex in a sweatshirt

you stop doing sit-ups.

Do something about it.

Get yourself back in shape, get some new clothes

get a haircut, get your own place.

Anything to get your confidence back.

Look, I appreciate the pep talk, but I've lost all hope.

Well, I can't give you hope

but I-I can give you my American Express Black Card.

Hope's for losers.

Oh, hey, Walden.

Hey, Jake, what's going on?

I was just calling my dad back.

He left me a voice mail.

At least, I think it was him.

It was just, like, two minutes of someone sobbing

and then throwing up.

Yeah, that was him.

How often does he cry?

It'd be quicker to tell you how often he doesn't.

He's gonna be okay, right?

Yeah, he actually got dressed today and left the house.

And-and-and he even put on deodorant.

Well, I-I actually put it on him, but he let me

so...that's progress.

I'm so glad that you're there for my dad.

You're like the son he never had.

Right.

Okay, so I'm gonna get goin'.

Yeah, yeah, me, too. I got to go run some black ops

and test some ballistic weapons.

Really? That-that sounds awesome.

No, I'm just messing with you.

I'm gonna go get high and make, like, 800 cupcakes.

Sleep well, America.

Ta-da!

Wow!

Wow!

You look..

Look at you.

This is your vision, my friend.

Oh, no, I could not envision this.

You were right. It's time for me to get back to living life.

Uh, check out my sweet onion.

My bodacious Vidalia.

Wow. How did you pack all of you in there?

Ah, well, uh, I guess I would have to say

it's...Spanx to these.

Is that a girdle?

Oh, no. Uh, it's a-a male sport control top.

It's for athletes.

Athletes with man boobs.

Not anymore.

Uh, Heather, the salesgirl, said I look like a DILD.

Oh?

It stands for "Dad I'd Like to Do."

Okay. Let's-let's talk about that hair.

Walk me through that.

Oh, uh, a-a young man named Juan did this to me.

Um, uh, he does Justin Bieber's hair.

- Oh, wow, that's lucky. - I-I know.

Can't believe Justin Bieber goes to Supercuts.

Driving home, you can't imagine

how many people were checking me out.

Oh, I can imagine.

What do you say we go someplace and try out my new look?

I wanna get my groove on with the hip, funky people.

Okay, yeah, I'll see if I can fire up the time machine

and we'll head back to 1974.

I'll, uh, I'll put my stuff away.

- Uh, Alan? - Yeah?

- My credit card? - Oh, uh, right.

Release.

I'm tryin'.

Wow.

I'm seein' your hairdo everywhere I look.

Best ten bucks I ever spent.

I wish I had my deck of cards.

Deck of cards?

Oh, yeah. Close-up magic is a great icebreaker

with the ladies.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you

that you have a quarter in your ear?

Give me that.

Come on. You're a charming guy.

Just be yourself, stick to your strengths.

I-I'm sorry. I-I can't hear you.

I have a quarter in my ear--

Will you stop that?

What about her? Go buy her a drink.

She's a little out of my league, isn't she?

You're not even playing the same sport.

Just go say hi.

Okay, here goes.

Uh, hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, thanks. I already have one.

Uh, can I reimburse you for that one?

Excuse me?

Well, I would have happily bought you a drink

if I had arrived a few moments earlier.

Tell you what. Let me just give you some cash.

You're kidding, right?

Uh, here's a ten. Do you have change?

What is wrong with you?

Well, I'm not gonna tip you.

That was weird.

Yeah, she's the weird one.

Maybe we should just go home.

You're just a little rusty.

Let me help you out.

Hi.

Well, hello.

Yeah, before we go any further, I should warn you

that I suffered from a horrific industrial accident

down there.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Here. Say hi to my friend Alan.

How bad was the accident?

Say hi.

Uh, hi. Uh, I'm Alan.

I'm a back doctor

but that doesn't mean I can't check out your front.

Oh, my God.

That is hilarious!

You're so funny.

Oh, my God.

- Um, I have a question for you. - Yeah?

How did you get this quarter in your ear?

How did you do that?

Pull something else out of me!

I like her.

Oh, my God!

Excuse me. How did you get this quarter in your ear?

Wow.