The Cockfields

- Where do you want these? - Well, let's have a think.

The table's here, we've got to sit

round it to have lunch, so maybe you should throw them in the flower bed?

Very good, Ray, you should write that down.

By the way, your front nearside tyre's bald.

- You need to get it replaced. - Okay.

Have you sorted your pension out?

Are we really talking about this on my birthday?

Ray!

Haven't you finished yet?

Simon's dad and Melissa will be here soon.

With his help, we'll be done by Christmas.

Those chairs are looking a bit tatty!

Well, it's all we've got, unless you want me to magic a new set out of my arse.

I need you today, Ray. I really do!

I've been thinking, when I get married,

I'd like a gazebo at my wedding reception.

What don't you concentrate on getting a girlfriend,

and worry about the awnings later?

Yep, no, point well made!

Stop shouting, David!

Yes, keep the volume nice and low.

You're just getting prepared, mate, aren't you? Just in case.

Absolutely.

Love can hit you when you least expect it.

I mean, you don't know, but I might fall in love tomorrow!

I bloody hope not,

you're coming with me to pick a load of plasterboard up tomorrow,

and I'm not marrying you!

Everything looks great.

I hope so, Donna.

I've been up since five.

- Should be a nice day, shouldn't it? - Yes.

To be honest though, I've been on and off the loo all morning.

Are you okay?

I thought I'd had a funny grapefruit.

I'm very sensitive to citrus,

I'm the same with warm orange juice, it just goes through me like a tap.

But actually, I think it's nerves.

Larry and I have hardly been in the same room since he left.

Oh, right. Yeah, of course.

Listen to me going on! I've got to finish this!

- What is it? - This is my famous egg mayonnaise,

with secret ingredient.

I've never, ever told anybody what it is.

Would you like to know what it is, Donna?

Yeah.

Right. Well, I use egg,

mayonnaise, salt, pepper, and...

I use a teaspoon of mustard powder.

Right, thank you for that.

Mum's the word.

I won't tell a soul.

Do you want me to make the salad?

You're a guest! You can't be making the salad!

No, I want to, let me.

No, no, you just relax, Donna.

I'll get you a drink.

I'm all right for a drink, Sue. I really want to make the salad.

Are you sure I can't get you a drink?

What about an orange squash? Or there's fresh orange in the shed?

- I really want to make the salad. - No.

I'm not having it.

I'm going to open you a bottle of Schloer.

It's Simon's 40th.

I'd really like to contribute to the day, please.

I'm not having you going back to the mainland

and saying that I let you make lunch. Now, go on!

Go on! Off you go! Go on... Hop it!

Hop it.

Hop it.

Andre,

it's Simon's birthday today and we're having a little party

in the garden, so this is a bit inconvenient.

Oh, hello.

This is Sheena. We met in the pub last night.

- Oh, right. - Hello, Sheena.

Hi.

She's got the flu.

Oh, dear.

Is it all right if she waits in the car until I finish the work, Ray?

Andre...

- the point is... - I won £100 on the fruit machine last night.

Did you? Right.

I promised to take her to the Premier Inn in Newport later,

so we can have sex.

Oh, right. Well, look, sorry, but we're in the garden,

but can you clear out the back shed. Right?

And just try to stay out of sight, okay?

- Thanks, boss. - You're welcome.

See you in a bit, Sheena.

Sue, please, is there anything I can do to help?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were Sue.

Oh, no, no, I'm Lynn, Sue's friend, from up the road.

Nice to meet you.

- You must be Donna. - Yes.

Would you like a little glass of white wine?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Well, I'm going to have another one. It is a party after all, isn't it?

Sue tells me this is your first time on the Isle of Wight.

Yeah, yeah, it's lovely, isn't it?

I've been here nearly 20 years.

I moved here with my husband Jack, for his work.

- He was a prison officer. - Oh, okay.

Then he died.

Oh, I am sorry to hear that.

But then my luck turned and I found my Ken,

- the second love of my life. - Oh, that's nice.

Then he died.

Are you sure you don't want a glass of white wine?

No, no, honestly, I'm fine.

Donna, you're not too hot, are you? Because I can open some windows.

No, I'm okay, thanks.

- Let me know if you want me to. - Okay.

You'll like this.

I was hoovering and Donna thought I was you!

- Did you, Donna? - Yeah.

Simon, Lynn was hoovering and Donna mistook her for me.

- Did you? - Yeah?

She thought we look similar.

Right, I've never really thought about it.

Ray!

I was in the hall and Donna thought I was Sue!

She thinks we look similar!

The Eagles, as they say, have landed.

Ray, Ray! They're here!

Come on, darling, you'll be fine.

All right, Dad?

Bear with us, guys.

Melissa had one too many drinks last night.

- And she's feeling a teensy bit fragile. - Oh, my God.

In you go.

Nice of her to turn up pissed.

Don't start, Ray.

- Hi, everyone. - Hi, Sue.

- Hi, Larry. - Hi...

Can I get you anything, Melissa?

- Sue, I feel so awful. - Oh, no.

I shouldn't really be like this on your birthday, Simon.

- I'm really sorry. - It's alright. Don't worry about it.

Is there anywhere she could get a bit of shut-eye for five mins?

Yeah, I just think if I had a little power snoozie,

I would feel so much better.

Well, you could have a little lie-down on the sofa.

No, I don't think so. Is there anywhere else that

I could go where I could be alone and in complete darkness?

We could stick you in the chest freezer, if you want?

She could lie on our bed, couldn't she, Ray?

Oh, God, Christ, no, God. I wouldn't want to make a scene,

I just feel really nauseous.

Honestly, it's fine.

Do you know what, no, I've got this, I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to be fine. I'll be fine in a bit. Really. I will.

No, if you want to have a lie-down, you have a lie-down, darling.

It's okay if she has a lie-down, isn't it, Sue?

Yes, it's fine.

David, will you show Melissa up to our bedroom, please?

- At your service, m'lady. - I just want to say,

I'm so sorry, I hate making a fuss.

I really do. I hate it. Hate it.

- I love you. - Sorry, Simon.

- It's alright. Don't worry about it. - Come this way.

I don't drink myself, so I've never actually had a hangover,

but what I famously overindulge in is Netflix and granola.

Thanks.

It's from the exhibition we went to.

I'd forgotten about this!

Well, we remembered you liked it, so Ray went back to get it for you.

I love it. Thank you!

And now for my present.

I was toying with the idea of giving you a condolence card,

which would have been superb, seeing it's your 40th!

Anyway, here's your present.

It's brilliant. Thanks.

Well, let's see what it looks like on.

I can have a guess.

Yeah, let's have a look.

That's nice.

It's really nice.

Go on, then, Fonzie, I'll have a milkshake.

- Very funny. Go on, turn round. - No.

I'm not going to turn around.

Turn round, let's see if it fits you nice and snug.

No, you can say as much as you like, I'm not turning round.

He wouldn't make much of a catwalk model, would he, Sue?

- No. - He looks like a prat!

No, joking apart, it's really lovely.

Okay, thanks.

Would you like some more quiche, Donna?

No, no, I'm okay, thanks.

You can have some of mine.

Mum, she's said she's okay. And there's some left anyway.

This is a lovely drop of vino!

- Is it, Lynn? - Yes.

It's as if 100,000 little gooseberries

had taken on a whole new lease of life.

- Does it make sense? - Absolutely, 100%.

Well, it's very nice.

Simon. Tell your dad about your new job.

Oh, spill the beams.