Significant Mother

Previously on "Significant Mother"...

My mom told me she was selling our house.

- I'm selling the house. - You're doing what?

And Jimmy told me he was moving in with my mom.

- I'm moving in with your mom. - You're doing what?

But then she told me something I didn't expect.

We're not moving in together anymore.

As a matter of fact, we're not doing anything together anymore.

Jimmy broke up with me.

What?

Jimmy?

Jimmy, what happened with... Oh!

Why are you wearing my underwear?

I threw all mine in the river,

along with my other clothes.

They all smelled like your mom.

Okay, what happened, bud?

I just told you... I threw all my clothes in the river.

- Jimmy, I know that. - Then why'd you ask?

Look, buddy, I'm really torn up right now.

I haven't got the energy to answer questions

you already know the answer to.

I meant...

What happened with my mom?

Oh.

She broke up with me.

What are you talking about?

She said you broke up with her.

Really?

I'm not so sure. It's all kind of hazy.

One minute, I'm looking at condos with your mom.

The next, I'm lying here alone,

wondering why you still label your underwear.

Because you steal them.

I've never stolen your underwear.

Said the guy wearing my underwear.

This is an extraordinary situation.

- All mine were ruined. - By you!

I... Okay, Jimmy, just tell me the whole story

from the very beginning.

Oh, okay, well, your mom came over

to the house boat with baby pictures...

Not the beginning!

The beginning of your breakup.

Right. I was wondering why you wanted me to go so far back.

Did you just lump in getting engaged

with ending up homeless and dying?

Getting engaged, ending up homeless, and dying

are all the same scary.

Then why did you say you wanted to move in with me?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was such a huge step.

It doesn't have to be a huge step.

It can be a step to a step.

Yeah, but where does the staircase end?

You know, buying a place leads to painting the walls,

and before you know it, you've painted yourself

into a periwinkle corner.

Jimmy, don't be crazy.

I would never paint the walls periwinkle.

We can paint the walls whatever color you like.

- What color do you like? - I don't know.

Major life decisions are not my thing.

Jimmy, eventually, we're gonna have to...

make some choices about our future together.

Why? Why do we have to do that?

Because if we can't make choices about our future,

then how can we have one?

I don't know. Maybe we can't.

I broke up with her, didn't I?

Sounds like it, yeah.

Spoiled veg. I'm kidding.

They're fresh, Nathaniel. They're always fresh.

- How's our Jimmothy doing? - Not good.

He's gone from not wanting to make decisions about his future

to not wanting to make any decisions at all.

And I had to dress him this morning.

Why'd you put him in fancy dwarf clothes?

Those are my clothes.

Those are your clothes?

That is mental.

Do you shop in the children's section?

No, I don't shop in the children's section...

of every store.

Guys, I need your help.

Yeah, what's up, bud?

I can't decide which bathroom to use.

Well, before you pee in my pants,

why don't you use the one down there... the men's room?

- Good call. - Okay.

Oh, wow, mate.

I hate seeing him like this.

I hope him and your mother didn't break up

'cause of what we did at the open house.

If they did, I'd just look in the mirror and think, "You twit.

"You selfish twit.

They were happy, and you ruined it."

And then I'd kill myself.

Actually, I think this is my fault.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Oh, but don't beat yourself up.

And if there's anything I can do to help...

Can you hang out with him tonight?

He can't be at work, but I don't think

he should be home alone either.

This morning he tried to throw himself in the river

because he smelled like my mom.

Guys, help. I can't breathe.

Oh, unbutton your tiny shirt.

Oh, that's better.

Wait. I still have a stabbing pain

and a gaping hole where my heart used to be.

You must feel terrible.

Hi.

Harrison, go home.

I have nothing left for you to ruin.

Oh, no, I'm not Harrison.

- I'm Harriet. - What?

Your gal pal and emotional support system,

who's here for you in your time of need because...

breakups are hard, girl.

Please stop talking like Whoopi Goldberg.

I'm sorry. I brought you some doughnut holes

to fill the holes in your heart

and some wine because...

well, I've met you.

Let's put this somewhere else.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I don't know.

I spent so much time trying to break you and Jimmy up,

I never thought about what I would do

if you actually did break up.

So, until I figure something out,

I'm just gonna go with nice.

Seriously, how are you?

Well, I just got dumped by a 26-year-old,

so pretty terrible.

- Right. -

I don't know. I feel like I'm at a crossroads right now,

and I don't really know which road to go down.

Why don't you just keep

going down the road you were already on?

You said it yourself, moving out...

it's not about Jimmy, it's about you.

I thought you didn't want me to sell the house?

I didn't,

but then I took us down memory lane,

and I realized that this house,

it just has a lot of memories

that we could both stand to leave behind...

like that time when you were dating our son's best friend.

That's not funny, no.

Maybe you're right,

but unless I get an offer on the house

and you actually give me a divorce,

I'm kind of stuck.

Hey, guys, what'd you do tonight?

Oh, we haven't done anything yet, mate.

Yeah, I thought we'd watch some movies,

but Jimmy started to cry when I put on the TV Guide channel.

Too many choices.

Reminded me of your mom.

Okay, this has to stop, bud.

If you're not gonna fix things with her,

you have to get over her.

I don't know how to do that, buddy.

Sometimes when I'm trying to get over someone,

I put all their things into a small, hand-hewn casket

and then bury it under a freshly planted yew tree.

This reminds me that the death of an old relationship

can give birth to something "yew," symbolic for "new."

Then I get absolutely smashed

and shag two birds with one bone.

He can't do that because...

Oh, that would be disrespectful to your mother.

Don't do that.

Sometimes it helps to talk about what a useless slag your ex was.

But she was not. She was a perfect lady.

- She was a perfect lady. - This is tricky, mate.

I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

You know, after Becca broke up with me in college,

I hit the gym pretty hard.

- I got in great shape. - I remember that.

You were like a tiny Jean-Claude Van Damme.

But I'm already in great shape.

What about finding that elusive ninth ab?

You always said it was the Atlantis of your core.

You want me to find Isla de Muerta?

Nate, you can only find that if you already know where it is.

Well, maybe you do.

Why don't you wake up early, go for a jog?

It might jog your memory.

- That's a good idea. -

Thanks, buddy.

Go get 'em, champ.

This would be a whole lot easier

if your mother was just a useless slag.

Oh, that's great!

Huh?

Um...

can I call you back?