M*A*S*H

Okay. 3‐1, Giants. Two outs, two on,

bottom of the ninth. Three and two on Hodges.

‐Maglie deals. ‐(bat strikes ball)

It's cut on and belted to deep left field.

Back goes Mueller. A‐way back to the wall!

It's a three‐run homer for Gil Hodges!

She's gone.

The Dodgers go from bums to kings

and win it 4‐3!

Come on, Frank. Shut up, will ya?

Geez, it's 4‐3 in the morning.

This game will be rebroadcast

at 1200 hours on Armed Forces Radio.

Frank, come on!

Oh, stop dreaming and go back to sleep.

Oh, that makes good nonsense.

‐Hawkeye. ‐Yeah?

Wake up, Hawkeye.

The stove in our tent went out.

‐Again? ‐It's freezing in there.

‐It's warm in here. ‐There are four of us.

I knew I should have gotten a bigger bed.

Can you people hold it down?

I mean, show some consideration.

I don't remember leaving a wake‐up scream.

Thanks, Hawkeye. You're the only one who can fix it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

‐B.J.? ‐Hmm?

If I'm not back in five minutes,

don't come and get me.

Good night, Frank!

Here he is, girls, Handy Andy.

Hey, Mr. Fix It.

Let's hear it for the janitor.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, Hawkeye. It's freezing.

Well, what do you expect? Springtime in Korea.

You should feel honored.

We chose you 'cause you have the best hands in camp.

I try to keep in touch.

Be careful, Hawkeye.

‐(explosion) ‐ALL: (screaming)

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, knock it off, Pierce.

Radar, call the 121st Evac.

I want their ophthalmologist.

Tell 'em we got a boy with flash burns.

Major James Overman.

Get his keister up here pronto.

Get him in here, quick now, B. J.!

Get me in there quick. I can't see anything!

Now look, you dumb clerk.

I'll tell you this once,

and I want you to get it straight.

This is General Walter O'Reilly.

Three stars and real mad.

If Major Overman isn't over here by the time

they crack my powdered eggs for breakfast,

I'll have you digging a latrine

for every G.I. in Korea!

You got that? Good!

How's that feel?

Blind.

Okay, Hawkeye, you take it easy for a couple of days.

I'll be back Friday.

Listen, uh, one important question.

Will I get to keep my nickname?

Let's hope so.

Just wondering if I should rent

a seeing eye dog or buy one.

See you Friday.

Tell me, Sherm, where is this General O'Reilly?

Who?

Oh, well, let me explain.

We're really sorry, Hawkeye.

You don't have to shout. The sides still work.

‐We're sorry. ‐That's all right.

Next time, get a union man.

Hawk, if there's anything you need...

Well, if you're going by the P. X.,

you could get me a coloring book and some crayons.

I think you're sick enough to qualify for the big box.

I gotta go.

‐B.J.? ‐Yeah?

Visit me a couple hundred times, will ya?

At least.

Nurse? Nurse?

What's the matter?

My arm's numb. I‐I think it's asleep.

Well, let me take a look at it, so to speak.

Where are you?

Is there a doctor in the house?

Now what is it, Pierce?

Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here. Go get a doctor.

What are we trying to do with this patient, hmm?

Arm wrestle, only I have a slight advantage.

His bandage is too tight.

Oh, I'll take care of that.

Now let's scoot back to our bed, okay?

We don't want to bother the other patients now,

‐do we? Hmm? ‐Keep it up, Frank.

We'll get our nose busted.

Somebody will be with you in a minute, okay?

Sorry, just bumping through.

Huh, Claude Rains.

I'm Doctor Pierce. Anybody home?

Hi.

Tell me what this says, will you?

You're a real funny man, aren't you?

Come on, fella, give me a break.

Can't you see I can't see?

No, no, I can't.

I'm sorry. What happened?

A grenade... landed 10 feet in front of me.

I caught most of the stuff in the face. And you?

I offered a light to a temperamental gas heater.

I didn't get your name.

Oh, I'm‐I'm Tom Straw.

‐Hiya. ‐Hi.

Hawkeye Pierce.

Where you from, Tom?

‐San Francisco. ‐Beautiful city.

Yeah. I'm looking forward to getting back

and not seeing the Golden Gate.

You trying to depress me?

No, no. I'm too busy depressing myself.

Look, you're alive. Maybe you should feel lucky.

Do you feel lucky, Hawkeye?

Not lately.

What'd you do back in San Francisco?

Taught high school English.

Well, you can still teach.

Be grateful you're not an airline pilot

or a truck driver.

Or a doctor.

Right.

Pierce, I thought we agreed

we were going to stay in our bed.

No, we agreed that we were going to loosen

that kid's bandage. Did we?

‐I was on a break. ‐Burns, I swear,

I'm a better doctor blind than you are with both eyes.

‐Nurse! ‐Yes, Doctor.

Kellye, help me re‐bandage that kid down there.

Then I want you to fill me in on everybody in here.

Frank, you can go back to what you were doing: nothing.

Ow!

‐Where is it? ‐Right here.

Colonel, how am I supposed to maintain order in there

with Pierce stumbling around trying to help everyone?

The nurses can't take a temperature

without reporting to him first.

And he's always touching them.

Disgraceful.

Well, he's got no business

being in there if he's sick.

I suggest we ship him

‐back to the 121st. ‐Why?

Well, I'm sure he'd be a lot more comfortable.

I appreciate your concern.

You're right. He should be moved.

Well, thank you.

But I don't think it's necessary

to take him any farther than the Swamp.

‐But I‐‐ ‐And to avoid the inevitable argument,

dismissed.

"And the rest of the family is doing fine.

San... Sandy Falcon," I think...

‐Yeah. ‐"Asked about you.

She still sweats..." No, no, that's...

Oh, she's sw..."She's still sweet on you."

‐Hmm. ‐Who's Sandy Falcon?

A girl who used to dip my pigtails in the inkwell.

So obnoxious, she was voted

most likely to marry out of her species.

Oh. Uh, "Take care, son. We're really‐‐"

Hold it, Radar. I'm ready to try again.

‐Oh, sir. ‐Come on.

I think I can do it this time. Come on.

Okay.

Here... one, two.

Get outta my light.

Sir, do I have to chase them again?

No. Let 'em lay there until they get it right.

Finish reading the letter.

Yes, sir.

Uh, "Take care, son.

We're connecting the dogs‐‐"

That's "counting the days," Doodles.

Oh, right. "We're counting the days.

"All my love."

‐Major Burns. ‐What?

Major Burns is coming this way.

Pierce, you disgust me.

That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know.

They all think you're disgusting.

Handicapped people usually know how to act properly.

Oh, come on, Frank. I'm just trying to keep busy.

Look. I even made your bunk.

Did a good job, Pierce.