Shameless

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.

Come and watch pikeys making

a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs.

And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.

Stay away!

What sounds on earth could ever replace...

Oi!

Oi! Kids needing money or wives in your face.

Cos' this people reckon, and me included, is why

pubs and drugs were kindly invented.

To calm us all down to stop us going mental.

These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.

We are worth every penny for grinding your axes,

you shit on our head.

But you pay the taxes.

Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers

who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now.

Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!

Scatter.

Party...

No. You can't.

Her dad's in the army. We only see him on web-cam.

Em, go play outside for a bit. I'll do anything.

Mummy!

Mummy! Minute, treacle.

What d'you want?

I just want L462.10 please.

You scum-bag. How can you do this?

How can you live with yourself?

'For too fucking long I've been on a road to nowhere.

'Nothing to show for meself.

'No master plan.

'Been told I was useless so much I believed it.

'Well, it's time to stop crying into my Ruby Grapefruit Breezers.

'Stuff the knockers, negative fuckers,

'voices in my head saying, "You can't."

'Yes, I can.

'I can do stuff. I've got dreams.

'And I'm gonna make 'em happen.

'Believe that! '

Micky. What are you doing?

Casualty evacuation procedure.

To the shop.

Were you trying to avoid us?

No. I love these get-togethers.

No. I love these get-togethers. You were seen wearing a dress under your uniform.

D'you like dressing up as girls, Lianne?

I don't know what you're on about and my name's Liam.

Not unless you pay the toll, Tranny-boy.

Tenner, or it's all over school.

MOBILE PHONE RING TONE

That'll be me dad. I'll bell him, back in a bit.

I'm off up the Hilton Tower, test me head for heights.

Great. Ta for the ride, gallant sir.

Liam? Love?

Oi, cloth ears!

Hey, don't take it to heart.

Lads his age can just be sensitive.

Oh, Little man! What's your sob story?

Oh, he's narky with his mum for dragging him out to put up her posters.

Nice idea, lady.

It's mad, what you think up at three in the morning, when you're doing a feed.

Here, you stick them up. I'll watch Narky.

Thanks.

What's the matter? Yes. Better.

See, I'm not really a witch.

Last five, four, three...

...two and watch out Ricky Hatton!

Allright!

It's like having The Hitman here again.

Give him some stick, Jock, or I'll never hear the last of it.

Give him some stick, Jock, or I'll never hear the last of it. No, no, Maxine I believe in giving

credit where it's due and your man's made great progress.

Of course, that's no good if you can't see a punch coming!

Still throwing the low-blows, Jock?

Amazing what a lick of paint can do.

We're definitely back on our feet so if you don't mind,

you can get off my case now, Paddy.

Keep your guard up, Gallagher.

Always.

I didn't know you knew Paddy Maguire.

Oh, yeah.

I've known him since he was a whipper-snapper on the run from Belfast.

Poor bastard never got any prettier.

Everything's all right?

Aye.

One, two, three, see...

Got any kids of your own, Libby?

Got any kids of your own, Libby? Nah.

But still could, kind of.

It's Frank.

Not so "creative" any more.

Shit. All the boozing finally had an effect?

No, his stomach's lined with asbestos.

He had the... after Stella.

Frank Gallagher, denying mankind his seed? I don't think so.

Sadly, it's true.

The most pain he's ever felt.

Should see the scar.

The one from the electric shock to his balls?

Huh?

I've heard the stitches story enough to know he would never

let a doctor down there.

You know vasectomies can be reversed.

It's, it's never you know that successfully...

you, you hear all sorts of stories... It's, it's uncomfortable.

More uncomfortable than 100 volts to the knackers?

You never got snipped. Bastard.

You told me that you couldn't, biologically, so,

you know, a moment of compassion, I told you I couldn't.

But we can, artificially. I froze my eggs, Frank.

They're in a clinic, asking to be fertilised.

And you're going to give me what I want.

Am I, fuck!

Well, I'll just find myself a real man then.

Good luck.

Hey, you don't mess with nature.

Have we learned nothing from Dolly the sheep?

Time.

Manual dexterity, in your face!

Pow! Pow!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Don't you know I'min training?

Training for what, The Krypton Factor?

I have never seen hands move that quick since that time I went round to Home Alone's!

Piss off, you fucking wank-stain.

You want to get down lan's boxing club. Take some of that out on a bag.

Yeah there's some good joining-up offers.

I'm fine. I don't need your charity.

He's been like that since we got back.

It's like treading on fucking eggshells here.

Three months till they're past their sell-by date?!

What are my options?

And if I don't fertilise or donate?

Right.

I best decide then.

That's why you lifted me earlier!

You can't tell anyone. This is for me.

I've been short listed. I just have to get pass the assessment day.

Oh, great. Well, everything crossed.

Oh, great. Well, everything crossed. Yeah, nice one.

You know what it's like when you want something so bad?

Well, it just feels right, it doesn't scare me. I'm calm in crisis.

I look well fit in uniform.

Nothing's going to stop me getting this.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Numbnuts, got a job for you. Grab a pen.

I can't. I'm busy.

Take down this address or I'll get busy on your face, you insolent fuck.

Ready?

Yeah.

Game?

How about we make it more interesting?

If I win, you come check out the boxing club with me.

And when I win?

You get your ego boost. Job done.

But no-one beats me round here. I own this fucker. Yeah.

Nah. Stuff your deal.

Chesney, wait.

It took me ages to get over that Jimmy crap

and I know he scared the shit out of you when he chased you off the estate.

You can't let it send you under.

The only way to get your confidence back is to learn how

to look after yourself, and you can cos Jock makes you feel unbeatable.

Next time some fucker comes at me, or takes the piss,

I'm ready for him.

Let me go and fetch him.

Jock... found you a new recruit.

What's going on?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, nothing. Fuck nothing. Your face...

I'm fine, lan. All right, leave it.

Shit.

Who's this?

Chesney, my mate. He was after boxing lessons.

Golden rule, pick your fights.

I caught the bugger a beauty. I cut him, too.

He'll be uglier than you in the morning!

Well, if you will walk into doors!

He didn't. He walked into a jab, from Jock.

You what?

He hit me. I was defending meself.

He owes me Dad three grand.

I had to give him a warning. Orders, innit.

You could've said no! He's an old man!

Tell Paddy to give him more time.

That's between them.

I'm not asking, Micky.

I'm not asking, Micky. But he won't listen to me.

Fine. Pack your stuff, get out.

Lan?

That was my last ever job.

I'm done with all that. Big changes, from tomorrow.

You'll be doing his dirty work forever and you know it. Go on.

Fuck off!

This show is set up for the Maguires. Talent to spare, us.

Jamie, you've got a lovely voice. Shane, unbelievable contortionist.

I was ten years old.

I'm not so nimble any more.